Kristi Lyn Goss, 44, former administrative assistant to the Garland County (Arkansas) judge, went all out when she racked up about $200,000 worth of debt on the county credit card between 2011 and May 2016, according to The Hot Springs (Arkansas) Sentinel-Record. Among the many items Goss purchased on the county's account were tickets to Arkansas Razorbacks games, sequined throw pillows and a tuxedo for her dog. Goss pleaded guilty on Sept. 11 to six felony fraud counts; her sentencing is scheduled for Nov. 22. Garland County Judge Rick Davis issued a statement at Goss's arrest noting that he had "inherited" her from a former judge. [Hot Springs Sentinel-Record, 9/13/2017]

It's Complicated

As Hurricane Irma bore down on Florida in early September, the Pasco County Sheriff's Office announced that registered sex offenders, who would not be able to shelter with other citizens, "need someplace to go just like any other citizen." The Tampa Bay Times reported that sex offenders were directed to Wiregrass Ranch High School in Wesley Chapel. Pasco County Sheriff's spokesman Kevin Doll noted that offenders found in other shelters where children were present were subject to arrest, but said the predator shelter would welcome offenders from other counties. In nearby Polk County, officials were not so generous, telling sex offenders, "If you are a predator, find somewhere else to go," and announcing that they would be checking IDs at the door and arresting anyone with an outstanding warrant. [Tampa Bay Times, 9/7/2017]

Campaign Follies

Incumbent mayoral candidate Charles Pender erected his campaign signs in Corner Brook, Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada, on Aug. 30, but when he woke up on Aug. 31, he found that they had been vandalized -- with hot dogs. CBC News reported that someone had cut round holes in the signs and inserted hot dogs to look as if Pender was smoking a cigar. Pender called it "minor mischief" but noted that the signs are expensive. He called the police, but he feels it's unlikely the frank bandit will be caught. He hopes to turn the incident into a good laugh with a "bun-raiser" later in the election season. [CBC News, 9/11/2017]

Compelling Explanations

Lisa Faye Stout, 53, came up with an unusual scapegoat for the mess police officers found in her room on Sept. 10 at New Castle, Indiana's Raintree Inn, according to the Muncie Star Press. Vampires had "destroyed everything," Stout told the officers, who were responding to reports that she had shown up in the hotel bar wearing no pants or undergarments. The front desk clerk also said Stout spit on her and threatened to kill her. As she was taken into custody, Stout spit some more and threatened to "slice" officers' throats. Stout was charged in Henry County court with two counts of battery by bodily waste, intimidation and criminal mischief. [The Star Press, 9/13/2017]

Recalculating ...

Well, it WAS dark ... Gabriel Bishop of Sellersville, Pennsylvania, put all his faith in his car's GPS system on the evening of Sept. 9, even as it directed him to follow a bike path running alongside the Lehigh River in Easton. According to Lehighvalleylive.com, when the path led under a low bridge, Bishop realized his mistake and tried to back up, but ended up rolling his car into the river. Easton police reported that Bishop was uninjured, but he did receive citations for multiple traffic offenses. [Lehigh Valley Live, 9/10/2017]

Smooth Reactions

A movie stuntman in High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, England, put his skills to work when a potential buyer of his Mercedes Benz tried to take off with the car on Sept. 13. The Telegraph reported that Matt Spooner met the "buyer" and gave a test drive in the car, but the thief wouldn't get out and started to take off. So, Spooner told reporters, "I ran round to the front and asked him politely to step out. I then ended up on the front of the vehicle and it began to move." The driver entered a highway, but when he finally slowed down, Spooner let go and "skidded off to the side of the curb," suffering cuts and bruises to his face. While Spooner creates stunts for film crews, he advises, "It's a bad plan to do them yourself." [The Telegraph, 9/15/2017]

Exploitation 101

Jerry Sargeant, 39, of Cheltenham in Gloucestershire, England, who claims on his website to be able to cure cancer via Skype, has been convicted in Westminster Magistrate's Court of violating the U.K.'s 1939 Cancer Act, which prohibits advertising services that "offer to treat any person for cancer." The Daily Mail reports that Sargeant, who calls himself "The Facilitator," says he discovered his talent for "Star Magic" when he saw a woman's soul fly out of her body during a car accident in Romania. He also claims to have flown to Alpha Centauri on a spaceship and returned to Earth just minutes later. Sargeant's healing sessions cost 90 pounds for 15 minutes, but he told police that appointments can go up to an hour because "you can't put a time on magic." He will be sentenced on Nov. 8. [Daily Mail, 9/20/2017]

Life Imitates Cartoons

The Fremont (California) Police Department responded late on Sept. 17 to a Safeway store where 39-year-old Adam Kowarsh, armed with a French baguette, was on a rampage. According to SFGate, workers told Kowarsh he needed to pay for his items and leave the store, but when one employee tried to calm him, Kowarsh responded by pushing him and then hitting him across the face with the baguette. The Safeway employee was unhurt, but Kowarsh was charged with suspicion of battery and a parole violation. [SFGate, 9/19/2017]

No Pain, No Gain

Archaeologists in Cambridgeshire, England, have discovered the remains of a nearly 200-year-old colony of utopians espousing "free love and wife-swapping," according to Metro News. The Manea Fen community, established in 1838 by Methodist minister William Hodson, who championed a community free from marriage, money or monogamy, once numbered 150 members, but lasted only 25 months before succumbing to "personality clashes and objections to the practice of free love." Lead researcher Dr. Marcus Brittain believes "they got the wrong people, they had no labor skills and put in no time and effort, they were drunk, they went into local brothels, and thought they could build a utopia without breaking a sweat." [Metro News, 9/18/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Police officers in Surf City, North Carolina, stopped Zachary Kingsbury, 20, of Lynnwood, Washington, on Aug. 30 and asked him to step out of his car because they had spotted contraband inside. Kingsbury complied, but then took off running, heading toward the beach -- and didn't stop when he hit the ocean. According to the Port City Daily, Kingsbury continued swimming for almost an hour as police tracked him with a drone-mounted camera, which allowed them to also see the shark trailing him in the water. At that point, said Surf City Police Chief Ron Shanadan, the chase "became a rescue operation," and multiple emergency crews were dispatched to pick up the fugitive. Kingsbury was taken into custody in North Topsail Beach and charged with resisting arrest and possession of marijuana and methamphetamine. [Port City Daily, 8/30/2017]

-- The first rule of thievery ought to be: Draw no attention to oneself. An unnamed driver in Lelystad, The Netherlands, apparently hadn't learned this rule before he strapped two large lampposts to the roof of his tiny two-door car and drove away from Almere, where police believe he stole them. The NL Times reported that officers stopping the man on Aug. 1 smelled alcohol on his breath, but his offenses didn't end there: His license had been declared invalid late last year, and his car was uninsured. It was unclear what the man planned to use the lampposts for. [NL Times, 8/2/2017]

Forget the horrifying clown from "It." The newest inhabitant of your nightmares is a giant "fatberg" in the sewer system beneath the streets of London. A fatberg is created by a buildup of fat and grease combined with used diapers, sanitary napkins and wipes. This one is almost the length of three football fields and weighs more than 140 tons. Matt Rimmer with London's Thames Water said the current glob is "a total monster and is taking a lot of manpower and machinery to remove, as it's set hard." He said it's basically like trying to break up concrete. [Metro News, 9/12/2017]

Wait, What?

Entrepreneur Miki Argawal, 38, of Brooklyn, New York, was a hit at this year's Burning Man gathering in Nevada, where she pumped breast milk and offered it to fellow attendees to help with hangovers or use in lattes. She even tried some herself, saying it tasted a bit like coconut milk. She estimated that 30 to 40 people tried her milk. "The fact that any part of that could be seen as taboo ... it's time that conversation changes," Argawal said. [United Press International, 9/7/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

Terror suspect and Uber driver Mohiussunnath Chowdhury, 26, of Luton, England, was detained in London on Aug. 25 after using his navigation program to direct him to Windsor Castle. But the technology led him astray, and he pulled up outside The Windsor Castle pub in Windsor. After realizing his mistake, Chowdhury headed for London, where he parked his car next to a marked police van outside Buckingham Palace, brandished a 4-foot-long sword and yelled "Allahu Akbar." Chowdhury was charged in the Westminster Magistrates Court with one count of preparing to commit an act or acts of terrorism. [The Telegraph, 8/31/2017]

Bright Ideas

An unnamed man in Plymouth, Minnesota, went to extraordinary lengths and wasted two days of police investigators' time just to get a few days away from his wife, police Sgt. Keith Bird said. The woman reported her 34-year-old husband missing on Aug. 28 and showed police a text from him saying he had been kidnapped. The kidnapper demanded a paltry $140 for his return, and the wife agreed, but the kidnapper said she could wait for the husband to receive his paycheck. Eventually police caught up with the husband, who insisted he had indeed been kidnapped but asked officers to stop investigating. "He's fine," said Sgt. Bird. [Minneapolis Star-Tribune, 9/2/2017]

Life Imitates TV

Paul J. Newman of Rensselaer, New York, was sentenced on Sept. 6 to 2 1/3 to seven years in prison after pretending to be a licensed and registered architect, after an investigation the New York attorney general's office dubbed "Operation Vandelay Industries" in a nod to "Seinfeld." Newman's charges included larceny, forgery, fraud and unlicensed practice of architecture. He will also have to pay more than $115,000 in restitution to his victims. [Albany Business Review, 9/6/2017]

Sweet Revenge

After arguing with a security guard about the high price of parking, a woman in Benxi, Liaoning Province, China, left her car in front of the entrance gate to a housing community on Aug. 22. But people have to get in and out, so a crane was employed to lift the car onto the roof of the security building next to the gate. Onlookers can be heard laughing in a video of the incident. The car was later lowered to the ground using the crane. [United Press International, 8/23/2017]

The Price of Vanity

Neven Ciganovic, 45, of Croatia was undergoing the latest in a series of plastic surgeries (this one a rhinoplasty) in Iran when he "reacted badly" to the general anesthesia and developed a painful, long-lasting erection, known as priapism. As he recovered in a Serbian hospital, Ciganovic was denied painkillers and was only relieved of the condition after another surgery, although he says it will be months before he is fully recovered. The tattoo-covered Ciganovic is hoping his latest nose operation will improve his looks enough to launch him to international stardom. [Metro News, 9/8/2017]

Unusual Hobbies

-- British tree surgeon Gary Blackburn, 53, moved to Germany 32 years ago but holds a soft spot for Britain. So when the Brexit vote passed last year, "I decided to make my own little Britain here in Germany," Blackburn said from his home in Kretzhaus. His exhibition includes a demilitarized Centurion tank (decorated with poppies and white doves, to symbolize peace), red telephone boxes and a life-size model of Queen Elizabeth. Neighbors have complained about the tank parked on his lawn, but so far officials have not demanded that Blackburn remove it. [Reuters, 9/5/2017]

-- Farmer Jeremy Goebel of Evansville, Indiana, has honored the late actress Carrie Fisher with a corn maze planted in the shape of her iconic character, Princess Leia from "Star Wars." He planted the maze last spring using a GPS device, and it was scheduled to open in early September. "I've always been a 'Star Wars' fan and I just wanted to pay tribute to Carrie Fisher," Goebel said. [Evansville Courier & Press, 9/6/2017]

Why Not?

In Santa Fe, New Mexico, tens of thousands of people gathered at a city park on the evening of Sept. 1 to revel in the burning of the effigy Zozobra, a six-story monkey puppet filled with handwritten notes about anxieties and problems they hoped to send up in smoke. Locals dropped their notes in a "gloom box" at a shopping center, with subjects ranging from an ill family member to hurricane victims to government corruption. The tradition began in 1924 and was named for the Spanish word for upset or worry. [Associated Press, 9/1/2017]

Errant Butt-Dials

The New York court system's former spokesman David Bookstaver, 59, is under investigation after accidentally admitting to a New York Post reporter in August that he "barely shows up to work." The incident happened after Bookstaver had talked with the reporter on his cell phone. Without realizing it, Bookstaver redialed the reporter's number, and the reporter listened in as Bookstaver talked with two other people about how little he works. The court system's inspector general is working with the district attorney's office on an inquiry, and two county officials are calling for Bookstaver to repay $149,900 of the "ill-gotten" taxpayer money. [New York Post, 9/7/2017]

Dumb Luck

Forklift driver Arron Hughes, 28, of Ruthin, Wales, England, has claimed the distinction of being the first person to successfully swim across the Hoover Dam reservoir on the border between Nevada and Arizona. The dam, which provides electricity and water to Las Vegas, has sucked in and killed 275 other swimmers. But Hughes, on a 37-hour bender during a bachelor party with 10 friends on Aug. 10, jumped in on a day when nine of the 10 hydroelectric turbines were not operating. "I just thought, let's do it ... so told the lads I was off. Got sucked in, well pushed by, the flow of the dam, so had to swim hard," Hughes noted. "It's a hell of a sight to see the dam from underneath." He credits his fearlessness to his Welsh upbringing. "I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie really," he said. Still, he couldn't escape the police waiting on the other side when he pulled himself out of the water. They fined him and sent him on his way. [Daily Post, 9/11/2017]

Guests at Scotland's Macdonald Loch Rannoch hotel were terrorized by Robert Fergus, 72, and his wife, Ruth, 69, in February when the Troon couple rampaged through the lobby with scissors and threatened to shoot other guests. The incident apparently began when Mrs. Fergus pounded on a hotel room door at 1:45 a.m., leading the guest within to call front desk staff, who Mrs. Fergus told her husband treated her "with hostility." That's when Mr. Fergus "reacted disproportionately" by running naked into the lobby with scissors, cutting communications cables and shouting that he would "slit" and "kill" onlookers. Meanwhile, Mrs. Fergus told staff she was going to "get a gun and shoot you," according to prosecutor Michael Sweeney. Staff and guests ran out of the hotel, while Mr. and Mrs. Fergus returned to their room to pack and took off in their BMW. They were apprehended when they flagged down a police car to accuse the hotel staff of abusing them, and Mr. Fergus could not pass a breath test. At their sentencing on Sept. 1, their attorneys blamed overconsumption of alcohol for their behavior, noting that Robert Fergus "had previously been of good character." Nonetheless, they were fined 4,100 pounds and ordered to pay 800 pounds to cover the cost of damage to the hotel. [The Guardian, 9/1/2017]

Criminal's Remorse

An anonymous Australian tourist mailed back a small stone he lifted from the Cwmhir Abbey in Wales, a Cistercian monastery founded in 1176, in August. The thief included a note explaining his remorse: "I have been an avid follower of the Welsh kings and their history, and so I took this rock. Ever since, I have had the most awful luck as if Llewellyn (sic) himself was angry with me." Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, the last native prince of Wales, was beheaded and buried at the abbey in 1282, and legend says his ghost haunts the abbey. The trust that manages the abbey put the returned stone and the note on display, presumably to deter future sticky-fingered visitors. [Metro News UK, 9/1/2017]

A Singular Obsession

-- In Wenzhou City, China, an 11-year-old boy underwent surgery in August to remove 26 magnetic Buckyballs from his penis. The balls caused a blockage in the boy's urethra, which caused bleeding and swelling. He told pediatrician Wang Yongbiao that he put the toys in his penis because he was "curious." (Bonus: The boy was identified in news reports as "Pi Pi.") [Metro News UK, 8/30/2017]

-- An unnamed 35-year-old man in Liaoning Province in China was rushed to the hospital with intense pain and bloody urine in June, after having inserted sewing needles into his penis over the past year. It took doctors at the General Hospital of Shenyang Military Region only an hour and a half to remove 15 needles, measuring from about 2 to 4 inches long. The urologist, Dr. Cao Zhiqiang, said patients who engage in this type of behavior "are looking for excitement through unusual ways." He suggested caution for those who "fascinate about peculiar sex." [Daily Mail, 6/23/2017]

Ironies

A Turkish homeless man who was sentenced to house arrest in June has had his sentence altered to better reflect his circumstances. Baris Alkan, 31, had been confined to a specific area, an empty spot enclosed by metal plates, near a bus station after being detained for using and selling drugs. "I don't have a home address, so I have to stay here," he said. "Even though I don't have a house, I'm under house arrest." The court subsequently lifted the house arrest order and now requires Alkan to sign in at a nearby police station once a month. [Hurriyet Daily News, 6/23/2017]

People Different From Us

Emily Mueller, 33, of Ohio asked a photographer friend, Kendrah Damis, to take pictures of her pregnant with her fourth child -- and covered in 20,000 bees. Mueller, who is a beekeeper, checked with her doctor before the photo session and was stung three times during the shoot. She said she associates bees with life and death: "Bees came into my life in a time that we had just suffered a miscarriage," Mueller said. "That's where everything fell into place for me -- when honeybees entered my life." She hopes the maternity photos will highlight the importance of bees. [United Press International, 9/1/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

Steven Gomez-Maya, 20, handed tellers at the TD Bank North in Seymour, Connecticut, a note on Aug. 19, demanding money. He apparently failed to notice that his note was written on the back of his girlfriend's pay stub, and when he tried to return to the bank (presumably to retrieve the note), the doors were locked. Seymour police tracked down the owner of the pay stub, and when they arrived at the girlfriend's home, they caught Gomez-Maya as he was driving away. The hat he wore during the robbery and "a large amount of $10 bills" were found in the car, and he was charged with first-degree robbery. [Valley Independent Sentinel, 8/31/2017]

Animals Run Amok

A swan on the grounds of Blarney Castle in Ireland suffered a harrowing experience on Aug. 31 when it landed in a field where cattle were grazing. At first, the cattle just looked the swan over, but when the bird hissed at them, they took off after it. The swan tried to fly away, but the cows butted and stamped on it. Garden manager at the castle Adam Whitbourn was finally able to lean over a fence and drag the swan out of harm's way. "It was an aggressive attack," Whitbourn said. "I put (the swan) back in the lake and have checked on him twice. He's sitting there looking bedraggled so I'm hoping it's a happy ending." Rather than a swan song. [Irish Examiner, 9/1/2017]

The Classic Middle Name

Anthony Wayne Sandusky, 26, of Mascotte, Florida, was welcomed into the home of a Groveland woman on Aug. 22 because he had nowhere else to go. She went to sleep, and when she woke up, her mother said Sandusky had closed all the blinds, locked the doors and was carrying their possessions out the back door. She found two bags of items in a nearby field, including a stamp collection valued at $250,000. When confronted by police, Sandusky said he took the items because the woman was "being mean to him." [NEWS 13, [8/25/2017]

Compelling Explanation

Andrew Shaw, 44, of Lancashire, England, appeared before the Blackpool Magistrates Court on Aug. 29, facing three counts of possessing obscene images of children on his computer. Shaw and his wife arrived at the court with their guide dogs, as both are legally blind (Shaw has a small amount of sight in one eye). His attorney explained: "It may be argued that difficulty with his vision makes it difficult to put an age to images he downloads. He may think he is looking at 16-year-olds." Shaw was granted bail. [The Telegraph, 8/29/2017]

Oops!

Most news items about sinkholes highlight the large size of the hole. But a man in Brooklyn, New York, was trapped by a sinkhole in the middle of the street that was just big enough to swallow his leg. Steven Suarez, 33, was making a delivery with a hand truck on Myrtle Avenue on Aug. 29 when his foot disappeared into the pavement. "I was scared," Suarez said. "It was my whole entire right leg, up until my tailbone basically." Suarez was trapped for nearly an hour as bystanders directed traffic around him and rescue workers tried to free him. Co-worker Joe Grunbaum, 32, said Suarez seemed to be in a lot of pain, but the only casualty of the incident turned out to be Suarez's right sneaker. [NY Daily News, 8/29/2017]

What's in a Name?

The state administration for industry and commerce in China has had to put its foot down about long, ridiculous names for companies. New guidelines prohibit long-winded names, such as There Is a Group of Young People With Dreams, Who Believe They Can Make the Wonders of Life Under the Leadership of Uncle Niu Internet Technology Co. Ltd. This northern China company, which makes condoms, will now be known as just Uncle Niu. The new restrictions also prohibit words that are overtly religious or political or company names that claim to be the "best." We can only guess what Beijing Under My Wife's Thumb Technology Co. Ltd. will use as its new, shorter name. [Sixth Tone, 8/14/2017]