Weird News is forever, but this is my last "News of the Weird" column, as I am now exhausted after almost 30 years in the racket. In this final edition, I remember a few of my favorites. My deep thanks to Andrews McMeel Syndication and to readers, who started me up and kept me going. Y'all take care of yourselves. -- Chuck Shepherd

-- (1995) Chesapeake, Virginia, inmate Robert Lee Brock filed a $5 million lawsuit against Robert Lee Brock -- accusing himself of violating his religious beliefs and his civil rights by getting himself drunk enough that he could not avoid various criminal behaviors. He wrote: "I want to pay myself five million dollars (for this breach of rights), but ask the state to pay it in my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state." In April, the lawsuit was dismissed. [Austin American-Statesman-AP, 4-8-95]

-- (2002) The Lane brothers of New York, Mr. Winner Lane, 44, and Mr. Loser Lane, 41 (their actual birth names), were profiled in a July Newsday report -- made more interesting by the fact that Loser is successful (a police detective in the South Bronx) and Winner is not (a history of petty crimes). A sister said she believes her parents selected "Winner" because their late father was a big baseball fan and "Loser" just to complete the pairing. [Newsday, 7-22-02]

-- (1996) A pre-trial hearing was scheduled for Lamar, Missouri, on Joyce Lehr's lawsuit against the county for injuries suffered in a 1993 fall in the icy, unplowed parking lot of the local high school. The Carthage Press reported that Lehr claimed damage to nearly everything in her body. According to her petition: "All the bones, organs, muscles, tendons, tissues, nerves, veins, arteries, ligaments ... discs, cartilages, and the joints of her body were fractured, broken, ruptured, punctured, compressed, dislocated, separated, bruised, contused, narrowed, abrased, lacerated, burned, cut, torn, wrenched, swollen, strained, sprained, inflamed, and infected." [Carthage Press, 1-9-96]

-- (2002) From time to time "News of the Weird" reported on the fluctuating value of the late Italian artist Piero Manzoni's personal feces, which he canned in 1961, 30 grams at a time in 90 tins, as art objects (though, over the years, 45 have reportedly exploded). Their price to collectors has varied (low of about $28,000 for a tin in 1998 to a high of $75,000 in 1993). In June 2002, the Tate Gallery in London excitedly announced it had purchased tin number 004 for about $38,000. (The price of 30 grams of gold in 2002 was a little over $300.) [Sydney Morning Herald, 7-1-02]

-- (1994) The New York Daily News reported in April on a cellblock fight between murderers Colin Ferguson and Joel Rifkin at the Nassau County jail. Reportedly, Ferguson (convicted of six race-related murders on the Long Island Rail Road in 1993) was using a telephone and told Rifkin (a serial killer serving 203 years for nine murders) to be quiet. According to the Daily News source, Ferguson told Rifkin, "I wiped out six devils (white people), and you only killed women." Rifkin allegedly responded, "Yeah, but I had more victims." Ferguson then allegedly ended the brief incident by punching Rifkin in the mouth. [Syracuse Herald-Journal-New York Daily News-AP, 4-11-94]

-- (1999) At Last! A Job That Actually Requires Geometry! Commissioners in Florida's Seminole County and Manatee County passed ordinances regulating public nudity by requiring women to cover at least 25 percent of the area of their breasts and at least 33 percent of the buttocks, with detailed instructions as to the points from which each coverage must be measured. (Refresher for law enforcement: The lateral area of a cone is pi (times) r (times) s where r=radius and s=slant height; for the surface area of a sphere, it's pi (times) r (squared), and, alas, for a flat surface, it's length times width.) [Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 4-4-1999]

-- (1998) On the day before Good Friday, reported the Los Angeles Times, Dr. Ernesto A. Moshe Montgomery consecrated the Shrine of the Weeping Shirley MacLaine in a room in the Beta Israel Temple in Los Angeles. Inspired by an image he said he had while riding in the actress's private jet, Montgomery said a subsequent large photograph of him with MacLaine was "observed shedding tears," which had inspired prayers and testimony of miraculous healings. [Los Angeles Times, 4-10-98]

-- (2001) A child pornography investigation in Minneapolis turned up 1,000 suspect images on the office computer of a 58-year-old University of Minnesota classics professor -- named Richard Pervo. [Minneapolis Star Tribune, 2-13-01]

-- (1993) In May, Elk River, Minnesota, landlord Todd Plaisted reported that his tenant Kenneth Lane had fled the area, abandoning his rented farmhouse and leaving behind at least 400 tons of used carpeting, at least 10,000 plastic windows from Northwest Airlines planes, and rooms full of sofas, mattresses and washing machines, among other things. Lane told townspeople he ran a "recycling" company, but there was no evidence of sales. A deputy sheriff driving by the farmhouse the year before saw Lane burying carpeting with a tractor and said Lane merely muttered, "I don't know what to say. You got me. I can't even make up an excuse." [Minneapolis Star Tribune, 5-17-93]

-- (1990) An FBI investigation into interstate trafficking by diaper fetishists resulted in the arrests of five men belonging to an organization called the Diaper Pail Foundation, which has a letterhead and publishes a newsletter and information exchange for members. A Madison, Wisconsin, man, arrested in April for possession of child pornography, was found inside a van taking pictures of a child relieving himself. The man had offered service to the child's parents as a toilet trainer. [source unavailable, but "Diaper Pail Foundation" is searchable]

-- (1992) The Philadelphia Inquirer reported in June on the local "Silent Meeting Club," consisting of several people who gather at various spots around town and make it a point not to speak to each other. Founder John Hudak said his inspiration was his observation that people often feel obligated to talk when they really have nothing to say, such as at parties, and wondered how nice it would be "to have a group of people where you wouldn't have to talk." [Philadelphia Inquirer, 6-2-92]

-- (1991) In May, Maxcy Dean Filer, 60, of Compton, California, finally passed the California Bar exam. He graduated from law school in 1966, but had failed the exam in each of his previous 47 tries. [International Herald Tribune, 6-1-91]

-- (2004) The New York Times reported in February on a Washington, D.C., man whose love of music led him, in the 1960s, to meticulously hand-make and hand-paint facsimile record album covers of his fantasized music, complete with imagined lyric sheets and liner notes (with some of the "albums" even shrink-wrapped), and, even more incredibly, to hand-make cardboard facsimiles of actual grooved discs to put inside them. "Mingering Mike," whom a reporter and two hobbyists tracked down (but who declined to be identified in print), also made real music, on tapes, using his and friends' voices to simulate instruments. His 38 imagined "albums" were discovered at a flea market after Mike defaulted on storage-locker fees, and the hobbyists who found them said they were so exactingly done that a major museum would soon feature them. [New York Times, 2-2-04]

-- (1999) From a May police report in The Messenger (Madisonville, Kentucky), concerning two trucks being driven strangely on a rural road: A man would drive one truck 100 yards, stop, walk back to a second truck, drive it 100 yards beyond the first truck, stop, walk back to the first truck, drive it 100 yards beyond the second truck, and so on. According to police, the man's brother was passed out drunk in one of the trucks, so the man was driving both trucks home (though the success of such a scheme is better imagined if the driving brother has a high blood-alcohol reading, too -- which was the case). [The Messenger, 5-7-99]

Three weeks ago, News of the Weird touted the "genderless," extraterrestrial-appearing Hollywood makeup artist known as Vinny Ohh, but then Marcela Iglesias announced (following a leaked TV clip) that she had formed an agency for would-be celebrities who had radically transformed their bodies (and that Vinny is now a client). Iglesias' Plastics of Hollywood has human "Ken" dolls (Rodrigo Alves and Justin Jedlica), the Argentine "elf" Luis Padron, a Jessica Rabbit look-alike (Pixee Fox), and seven others who, Iglesias figures, have collectively spent almost $3 million on surgery and procedures (some of which are ongoing). (Padron, 25, seems the most ambitious, having endured, among other procedures, painful, "medically unapproved" treatments to change his eye color.) [Daily Mail (London), 5-26-2017; 5-3-2017]

-- Richard Patterson, 65, is the most recent defendant to choose, as a trial strategy, to show the jury his penis. A Broward County, Florida, court was trying him in the choking death of his girlfriend. (Patterson called the death accidental, as it occurred during oral sex, and there was conflicting medical opinion on whether that could have proved fatal.) Patterson's lawyer said his standby position was to show a mold of the penis, but insisted that a live demonstration would be more effective. (Update: The judge disallowed the showing, but in May the jury found Patterson not guilty anyway.) [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 5-30-2017]

-- In rare cases, a mother has given birth for the principal purpose of "harvesting" a baby's cells, ultimately to benefit another family member with a condition or illness that the cells would aid. However, Keri Young of Oklahoma gave birth in April for a different purpose. After learning while pregnant that her baby would not long survive after birth (because of anencephaly), she nonetheless carried it to term -- just to harvest organs for unspecified people who might need them (though the grieving Keri and husband Royce admit that some might judge their motive harshly). [Houston Chronicle, 4-19-2017]

-- In some parts of traditional Japanese society, it remains not uncommon for someone to feel the need to "rent" "friends." For example, relatives at a funeral bear grief better if they realize the many "friends" the deceased had. Or, a working man or woman may rent a sweetheart just to help deflect parental pressure to marry. In northern China, in April, a man was arrested for renting "family" and "friends" to populate his side of the aisle at his wedding. Apparently, there were conflicts plaguing each family, and police were investigating, but the groom surely worsened the plan by not coaching the actors on his personal details, thus making interfamily small-talk especially awkward. [BBC News, 5-1-2017]

-- Our Litigious Society: (1) David Waugaman, 57, fell off a barstool last year and needed surgery, and of course he is suing the tavern at Ziggy's Hotel in Youngwood, Pennsylvania, for continuing to serve him before he fell. Wrote Waugaman, "You're not supposed to feed people so much booze." (2) Robert Bratton filed a lawsuit recently in Columbia, Missouri, against the Hershey chocolate company because there was too much empty space in his grocery-store box of Reese's Pieces, which he thought was "deceptive" (even though the correct number of Pieces was printed on the label). In May, federal judge Nanette Laughrey ruled that Bratton's case could continue for the jury to decide. [PennLive, 5-15-2017] [KCUR Radio (Kansas City), 5-17-2017]

-- Latest From Offended Classes: (1) Some minority students' organizations, commenting on the planned extensive renovation of the University of Michigan's student union building, recommended ditching the current interior's elegant wood paneling -- because it gives off an "imposing, masculine" feeling that makes them seem "marginalized." A spokesperson for the students, attempting to soothe the controversy, said the marginalization was more based on the building's "quiet nature." (2) In Australia, Chanel's just-introduced luxury wood-and-resin boomerang (selling for the equivalent of about $1,415) came under fire from aboriginal groups for "cultural appropriation." (Hermes had issued its own luxury boomerang in 2013.) [The College Fix, 5-15-2017] [Sydney Morning Herald, 5-15-2017]

-- For not the first time in News of the Weird's experience, a man shot himself but had the bullet pass through him and hit a bystander (except this time it was fatal to the bystander). Victor Sibson, 21, was charged in Anchorage, Alaska, in May with killing his girlfriend even though he had aimed at his own head. Investigators were persuaded that it was a genuine attempt, though he survived, but in critical condition. [KTUU-TV (Anchorage), 5-22-2017]

-- More Animals With Affordable Health Care: In April, the annual report of the Association of British Insurers on its members' policies for pet owners noted that among the claims paid were those for a bearded dragon with an abscess, an anorexic Burmese python, a cocker spaniel that swallowed a turkey baster, a cockatoo with respiratory problems, and even a "lethargic" house cat (which nonetheless cost the equivalent of $470 to treat). [BBC News, 4-17-2017]

-- Legal "Experts" Everywhere! American "sovereigns" litter courtrooms with their self-indulgent misreadings of history and the Constitution (misreadings that, coincidentally, happen to favor them with free passes on arrests and tax-paying), but now, the U.K.'s Exeter Crown Court has experienced Mark Angell, 41, who said in May that he simply could not step into the courtroom dock to state a plea concerning possession of cannabis because he would thus be "submitting" to "maritime law," which he could not legally do on dry land. Judge: "Don't talk nonsense. Get in the dock." Angell was ordered to trial. Before leaving, he gave the judge a bill for his detention: the equivalent of $2.5 million. [DevonLive (Exeter), 5-19-2017]

-- More Third-World Religion: In March, Zimbabwean pastor Paul Sanyangore of Victory World International Ministries was captured on video during a sermon telephoning God. Clutching a phone to his ear, he yelled, "Hello, is this heaven? I have a woman here, what do you have to say about her?" (Her two children, one epileptic, the other asthmatic, are then confusingly described by "heaven" as being "changed," and Paul ended the call to resounding cheers from the congregation.) [AfricaNews (Lyon, France), 5-23-2017]

-- More of the World's Third-Oldest Crime (Smuggling): (1) In the latest awesome drug-mule haul of gold (into South Korea, where it fetches higher prices than in neighboring countries), 51 people were arrested in May for bringing in, over a two-year period, a cumulative two tons, worth $99 million, by hiding it in body parts befitting their biological sex. (2) Customs officials in Abdali, Kuwait, apprehended a pigeon in May with 178 ketamine pills inside a fabric pocket attached to its back. [Daily Mail (London), 5-24-2017] [BBC News, 5-25-2017]

Almost an Epidemic: Men suffering compulsive public masturbation recently: (1) In the midst of evening rush hour in the New York-New Jersey Lincoln Tunnel, Ismael Esquilin, 48, stopped his minivan and engaged (May 11). (2) In downtown Portland, Oregon, Terry Andreassen was arrested engaging "vigorously" because he "hates Portland" (and was charged with "felony" public indecency (May 3). (3) In Dunbar, West Virginia, Tristan Tucker, 27, allegedly broke into a relative's home and stole security camera recordings of him engaging (April 23). (4) Vix Bodziak, 70, allegedly engaged at a McDonald's in Springfield, Massachusetts (April 20). (Bonus: Police found a paper-stuffed tube sock bulging underneath his pant leg.) [New York, 5-12-2017] [KATU-TV (Portland), 5-12-2017] [WCHS-TV (Charleston), 5-16-2017] [The Republican (Springfield), 4-22-2017]

Arrested Recently and Awaiting Trial for Murder: Boe Wayne Adams (Wichita, Kansas, May); Jason Vann Wayne Godfrey (Sanford, North Carolina, August); Earl Wayne Humphries (Dallas, May); Michael Wayne Pennington Jr. (Tazewell, Virginia, May). Convicted of Murder: Anthony Wayne Davis (Elyria, Ohio, January); Jerry Wayne Merritt (Columbus, Georgia, February). Pleaded No Contest to Murder: Nathan Wayne Scheiern (Glendale, California, April). Murder Conviction Appeal Denied: Derrick Wayne Murray (Birmingham, Alabama, April). Convicted Murderer Seeking New Plea Deal: Robert Wayne Lonardo (Benton, Maine, May). Murderers No Longer With Us: Billy Wayne Cope (Rock Hill, South Carolina, February, died in prison); Marcel Wayne Williams (Varner, Arkansas, April, executed). Adams: [KWCH-TV (Wichita), 5-3-2017] Godfrey: [WRAL-TV (Raleigh), 8-15-2016] Humphries: [Dallas Observer, 5-10-2017] Pennington: [Bluefield Daily Telegraph, 5-10-2017] Davis: [The Chronicle-Telegram (Elyria), 1-21-2017] Merritt: [Ledger-Enquirer (Columbus), 2-8-2017] Scheiern: [Los Angeles Daily News, 4-28-2017] Murray: [AL.com, 4-28-2017] Lonardo: [Portland Press Herald, 5-9-2017] Cope: [The State (Columbia, S.C.), 2-9-2017] Williams: [CNN, 4-25-2017]

The New York Times reported in May that the "sophistication" of Google's and Facebook's ability to identify potential customers of advertisements is "capable of targeting ads ... so narrow that they can pinpoint, say, Idaho residents in long-distance relationships who are contemplating buying a minivan." Facebook's ad manager told the Times that such a description matches 3,100 people (out of Idaho's 1.655 million). [New York Times, 5-14-2017]

-- Harry Kraemer, 76, owner of Sparkles Cleaning Service in London, Ontario, was alone in his SUV recently and decided to light up a cigarette based on his 60-year habit, but was spotted by Smoke-Free Ontario officers and cited for three violations. Since his vehicle was registered to his business, and the windows were up, the cab constituted an "enclosed workspace." It took a long legal fight, but in May, the Provincial Offences Court cut Kraemer a break and dismissed the tickets. [National Post, 5-8-2017]

-- The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) finally prevailed in federal appeals court in February in its Endangered Species Act designation that wetlands in Louisiana's St. Tammany Parish should be preserved as a safe habitat for the dusky gopher frog. Landowners barred from developing the land pointed out that no such frogs have been spotted there for "decades," but have been seen elsewhere in the state and in Mississippi. FWS concluded the St. Tammany area could be a place that dusky gopher frogs might thrive if they decided to return. [The Daily Caller, 2-14-2017]

From the abstract of California State Polytechnic assistant professor Teresa Lloro-Bidart, in an April academic paper, comparing behaviors of native-California western gray squirrels and disruptive (to residents' trash cans) eastern fox squirrels: "I juxtapose feminist posthumanist theories and feminist food study scholarship to demonstrate how eastern fox squirrels are subjected to gendered, racialized and speciesist thinking in the popular news media as a result of their feeding/eating practices (and) their unique and unfixed spatial arrangements in the greater Los Angeles region...." The case "presents a unique opportunity to question and re-theorize the ontological given of 'otherness' that manifests in part through a politics" in which "animal food choices" "stand in" for "compliance and resistance" to the "dominant forces in (human) culture." [New York Observer, 5-12-2017]

-- Japan is in constant conflict over whether to become more militarily robust (concerned increasingly with North Korea) even though its constitution requires a low profile (only "self-defense"). When the country's defense minister recently suggested placing females into combat roles, constitutional law professor Shigeaki Iijima strongly objected, initiating the possibility that Japan's enemies might have bombs capable of blowing women's uniforms off, exposing their bodies. The ridicule was swift. Wrote one, "I saw something like that in Dragon Ball" (from the popular comic book and TV productions of Japanese anime). [Japan Today, 5-26-2017]

-- Took It Too Far: Already, trendy restaurants have offered customers dining experiences amidst roaming cats (and in one bold experiment, owls), but the art house San Francisco Dungeon has planned a two-day (July 1 and 8) experimental "Rat Cafe" for those who feel their coffee or tea is better sipped while rats (from the local rat rescue) scurry about the room. Pastries are included for the $49.99 price, but the rats will be removed before the food comes. (Sponsors promise at least 15 minutes of "rat interaction," and the price includes admission to the dungeon.) [SFGate.com, 5-18-2017]

Organizers of northern Germany's Wacken Open Air Festival (billed as the world's biggest metal music extravaganza) expect the 75,000 attendees to drink so much beer that they have built a nearly 4-mile-long pipeline to carry 105,000 gallons to on-site taps. (Otherwise, keg-delivery trucks would likely muck up the grounds.) Some pipes were buried specifically for the Aug. 3 to Aug. 5 festival, but others had been used by local farmers for ordinary irrigation. [Deutsche Welle (Bonn), 5-23-2017]

(1) Robert Ahorner, 57, apparently just to "win" an argument with his wife, who was dissatisfied with their sex life, left the room with his 9mm semi-automatic and fired four shots at his penis. (As he said later, "If I'm not using it, I might as well shoot it off.") Of course, he missed, and police in Elkhorn, Wisconsin, said no laws were violated. (2) In a lawsuit filed against an allegedly retaliating former lover, Columbia University School of Public Health professor Mady Hornig said her jilted boss tried repeatedly to harm her professional standing, even twice calling her into his office, dropping his trousers, and asking her professional opinion of the lesion on his buttock. [GazetteExtra (Janesville), 5-15-2017] [New York Post, 5-20-2017]

Convicted murderer John Modie, 59, remains locked up (on an 18-to-life sentence), but his several-hours-long 2016 escape attempt from Hocking (Ohio) Correctional Institution wound up unpunishable -- because of a "technicality." In May 2017, the judge, lamenting the inflexible law, found Modie not guilty of the escape because prosecutors had, despite numerous opportunities, failed to identify the county in which Hocking Correctional Institution is located and thus did not "prove" that element of the crime (i.e., that the court in Logan, Ohio, had jurisdiction of the case). (Note to prosecutors: The county was Hocking). [Athens Messenger via WOAB-TV (Athens), 5-24-2017]

(1) In May, Charles Nichols III, 33, facing charges in Cheatham County, Tennessee, of sex with a minor, originally was tagged with a $50,000 bail -- until he told Judge Phillip Maxie to perform a sex act upon himself and dared Maxie to increase the bail. That led to a new bond of $1 million, then after further insubordination, $10 million, and so on until the final bail ordered was $14 million. (2) Jose Chacon, 39, was arrested in Riviera Beach, Florida, in May after allegedly shooting, fatally, a 41-year-old acquaintance who had laughed at Chacon's first shot attempt (in which the gun failed to fire) and taunted Chacon to try again. The second trigger-pull worked. [WKRN-TV (Nashville), 5-19-2017] [Palm Beach Post, 5-15-2017]

(1) Sheriff's deputies in Dade City, Florida, nearly effortlessly arrested Timothy Brazell, 19, for trespassing in May. Brazell (high on methamphetamine, he said) attempted to commandeer a stranger's car by hot-wiring it, but only by uselessly connecting the wires of a voltage meter -- and even though the key was already in the car. According to the owner, the door lock was jammed on the inside, and Brazell could not figure out how to open it. (2) On May 19, Carl Webb and his wife left a nighttime barbecue festival in downtown Memphis and headed home. They drove 14 miles on an interstate highway before a police officer pulled them over to ask if Webb knew there was a body on his trunk. The man was clinging to the lip of the trunk but was still unconscious (from drinking) and had to be jarred awake. [WFLA-TV (Tampa), 5-7-2017] [WHBQ-TV (Memphis), 5-19-2017]

In May, Douglas Goldsberry, 45, was charged in the Omaha, Nebraska, neighborhood of Elkhorn with paying prostitutes to do his erotic bidding ("75 times" he used them, according to a police report) -- to strip, baring their breasts while standing on the front porch of his neighbors across the street while Goldsberry watched and masturbated. [Omaha World Herald, 5-13-2017]

Slick Talker: A young woman, accosted by a robber on Washington, D.C.'s Capitol Hill in October (2013), told the man she was a low-paid intern -- but an intern for the National Security Agency and that within minutes of robbing her, the man would be tracked down by all-seeing, all-knowing NSA surveillance. Said she, later (reported the Washington Examiner), the man just "looked at me and ran away (empty-handed)." [Washington Examiner, 10-15-2013]