Even dangerous felons sometimes serve short sentences, but Benito Vasquez-Hernandez, 58 -- guilty of nothing -- has been locked up for nearly 900 days (as of early March) as a "material witness" in a Washington County, Oregon, murder case. The prosecutor is convinced that Vasquez-Hernandez saw his own son, Eloy, murder a woman in 2012, and the case is on hold until the victim's body is found. The judge has given Vasquez-Hernandez two opportunities to leave, both impractical (pay a $500,000 bond or give a video deposition, but he speaks no English, is illiterate in Spanish and, said his lawyer, might be mentally incompetent). (Consolation: Material witnesses in Oregon earn $7.50 a day.) [The Oregonian, 3-12-2015]

-- The trendy St. Pauli neighborhood in historic Hamburg, Germany, suffers its share of uncouth revelers who wander out from nightclubs seeking restroom facilities but too often choose walls of storefronts and private homes, reported London's The Guardian in a March dispatch. The solution, according to the civic group IG St. Pauli: paint jobs with an "intensely hydrophobic" product known as Ultra-Ever Dry," which somewhat propels liquid aimed at it right back toward the source by creating an air barrier on the surface. In other words, said an IG St. Pauli official, it's "pee back" time, and shoes and trouser legs should expect splashes. [The Guardian, 3-4-2015]

-- We have "139 frogs, toads, lizards, turtles," Ms. Thayer Cuter told Seattle's MyNorthwest.com in March, touting her Edmonds, Washington, amphibian rescue shop, especially the heroic job done recently on Rocky, the Texas toad who came with stones in his tummy. "He had to have a lot of enemas (but) Rocky is rock-free now" and, after passing all the pebbles, is finally able to eat. Added Cuter, turtles are underrated pets, "very social" and love massages and "cuddl(ing)." [MyNorthwest.com, 3-11-2015]

-- The Job of the Researcher: Cockroaches can be bold explorers or shy and withdrawn, according to recent work by researchers at Belgium's Universite Libre de Bruxelles, who caught a bunch of them, affixed radio tags and studied their movements. "Explorers" are necessary for locating food sources, although, obviously, they are also most likely to find Roach Motels; "shy, cautious" roaches are necessary for survival and group stability, and a mixture of the types ensures cockroaches' legendary survivability. A Mother Nature News commentator wrote, hopefully, that understanding roaches' personalities might make us "less quick" to "grab a shoe." [Mother Nature News, 2-6-2015]

-- Ranson IB Middle School in Charlotte, North Carolina, has a strict dress code (requiring, for example, only "hunter green" outerwear). Thus, on Jan. 27, when parent Chanda Spates dispatched her three kids in improperly hued coats, Ranson officials confiscated the "contraband" clothing, leaving the three (along with 20 other sartorial miscreants) to make their way home after classes with no outerwear at all -- though the temperature that afternoon was in the 30s. (Following parental outrage, the administrators apologized.) [Fox News, 2-1-2015]

-- A female teacher working for the Arizona Department of Corrections was brutally assaulted in prison by a sexual predator and has sued the department, but in February the state attorney general's office, contesting the lawsuit, told the judge, basically, that the teacher understood all along that she could get attacked in prison. She was administering inmates a GED exam, but that day had no guard support, not even one to hear her screams, and was given an emergency radio tuned to an unmonitored frequency. Nonetheless, Assistant Attorney General Jonathan Weisbard essentially shrugged: "The risk of harm, including assault, always exist(s) at a prison like Eyman." [The Arizona Republic, 2-4-2015]

Clueless in Florida's Panhandle: (1) Debra Mason, 58, was arrested for theft of a pickup truck in Destin, Florida, in January -- and according to police, Mason said she knew it was stolen property but "didn't think it was 'that' stolen." (2) Ten miles away in Mary Esther, Florida, in February, Robert Pursley, 54, was arrested for DUI and was asked about items in his truck. According to the police report, Pursley insisted that everything was his -- "except for anything illegal." A baggie of cocaine was in the truck's center console. [Daily News of Northwest Florida, 1-24-2015, 2-25-2015]

-- Americans Abroad: (1) American sisters Lindsey, 22, and Leslie Adams, 20, were convicted, fined and deported by Cambodia's Siem Reap Court in February after taking several nude photos of each other at the Preah Khan temple, apparently for their social media "friends." The Angkor Archaeological Park, where the temple is located, is reportedly the world's largest religious monument. (2) Two other American women were arrested in March for carving 8-inch initials into a wall at Rome's ancient Colosseum and then snapping selfies for their friends. [Phnom Penh Post, 2-9-2015] [CNN, 3-9-2015]

-- Recurring Theme: Among the most recent lives ruined by badly botched prosecutions: (1) Joseph Sledge, now 70, was released from prison in North Carolina in January after wrongly serving 36 years for a double murder; hair samples (revealing another man's DNA), long thought to be lost, were discovered in a court clerk's storage room. (2) Kirk Odom, 52, served 22 years after his wrongful Washington, D.C., conviction for rape and robbery; a court in February awarded him $9.2 million in compensation, but on the other hand, after several prison rapes, he had contracted HIV. (Odom is one of several D.C. men convicted of rape or murder based on erroneous analysis by an "elite" FBI hair-analysis unit.) [Los Angeles Times, 1-23-2015] [Washington Post, 2-28-2015]

Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Tyler Lankford, 21, attempting a robbery of Minerva's Bakery in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, in January, committed (according to police) the rookie mistake of laying his gun on the counter so he could pick up the money with both hands. The clerk grabbed the gun, and Lankford fled but was arrested in March. (2) There are expert counterfeiters, and then there is Cass Alder, 22, convicted by a court in Canada's Prince Edward Island of trying to pass $100 bills that had been printed on napkins but affixed by Alder onto thicker paper. [KDKA-TV (Pittsburgh), 3-4-2015] [The Guardian (Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island), 2-25-2015]

"America's Game" Is Gaming the Government: The U.S. Treasury recently took in more than $40 billion by auctioning off part of the wireless spectrum, but one buyer -- the Dish satellite-TV provider -- got a discount worth $3.25 billion by convincing the Federal Communications Commission that it is a "very small business" (despite its market value of $34 billion). Using awe-inspiring loophole-management, Dish created a separate company in partnership with a small Alaskan Natives' group, which theoretically "managed" the company -- though the Alaskans' hands were tied by an earlier Dish-friendly contract. Thus, Dish got the benefits of being "very small" while retaining control -- a "mockery" (said one commissioner) of the FCC's simple-minded attempt to help small businesses. [New York Times, 2-25-2015]

Recent Personal Appearances: Swansea, Wales, January (Jesus in fur in a Yorkshire terrier's ear); Crowthorne, England, January (Jesus as bird poop on a car); West Kilbride, England, December (Jesus on a stone in a garden); Pocono Summit, Pennsylvania, November (Jesus on a serving of chicken breast); Polk City, Iowa, November (Mary on a tree trunk); Memphis, Tennessee, September (Jesus on a tree trunk); Fresno, California, October (Jesus in a plume of smoke in a house fire); Ecorse, Michigan, September (Jesus on a pierogi); Liberty, Texas, September (Jesus on a downed tree); Jackson County, Mississippi, May (Jesus in a rusted air-conditioner unit). Swansea: [Metro.co.uk (London), 1-19-2015] Crowthorne: [Metro.co.uk, 2-2-2015] West Kilbride: [BT.com (London), 1-2-2015] Pocono Summit: [WNEP-TV (Scranton), 11-14-2014] Polk City: [KCCI-TV (Des Moines), 11-14-2014] Memphis: [WMC-TV (Memphis), 9-24-2014] Fresno: [KSEE-TV (Fresno), 10-29-2014] Ecorse: [WXYZ-TV (Detroit), 9-7-2014] Liberty: [KHOU-TV (Houston), 9-16-2014] Jackson County: [WLOX-TV (Biloxi), 5-30-2014]

Supervisors at the Department for Work and Pensions in Carlisle, England, issued a directive in March (2010) to short-handed staff on how to ease their telephone workload during the busy mid-day period. Workers were told to pick up the ringing phone, recite a message while mimicking an answering machine ("Due to the high volume of inquiries we are currently experiencing, we are unable to take your call. Please call back later.") and immediately hang up. [News & Star (Carlisle), 3-9-2010]

Thanks This Week to Todd Ludwig and Anthony Yeznach, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

"This will be upsetting," cautioned Justice Robert Graesser, addressing jurors in February in the Edmonton, Alberta, murder trial of Brad Barton. At issue was the cause of the victim's having bled to death from her genitals, and the judge, ruling that jurors would benefit by inspecting the actual wound, admitted the vagina itself (not a photograph) into evidence. The organ had been removed for autopsy and preserved, and the chief medical examiner donned rubber gloves and pointed out to jurors how "clean" the wound was (suggesting a sharp object), rather than the rougher, "scraping" wound that would have been created in other ways, such as by impalement. (At press time, the trial was still in progress.) [Edmonton Journal, 2-27-2015]

Researchers from Cornell University, inspired by the book "World War Z," recently computer-simulated the spread of a "zombie apocalypse" -- and now advise the anxiety-prone to head for higher ground if infections break out, recommending Glacier National Park in Montana or, even better, Alaska. Using differential equations and "lattice-based" models, the statisticians demonstrated that infections would slow dramatically as fewer people became available to bite (but that, ultimately, we're all doomed). The state most quickly wiped out? New Jersey. [Washington Post, 3-4-2015]

-- Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore told a radio audience in February that she would soon introduce a bill reforming end-of-life procedures for terminally ill cancer patients, such as administering baking soda intravenously to "flush out" the cancer "fungus." Before her election in 2013, she was CEO of Always There Personal Care of Nevada (which she describes as being "in the healthcare industry"). (Bonus: Fiore blames her accountant for the company's reported $1 million in IRS tax liens; the accountant is her ex-husband.) [Think Progress, 2-24-2015; Ralston Reports, 12-8-2014]

-- In February, Idaho state Representative Vito Barbieri, at a hearing on a proposed bill to ban doctors from prescribing abortion-inducing medications via remote telecommunication, asked expert witness Dr. Julie Madsen about one alternative he had in mind: Couldn't a woman just swallow a small camera, he asked, and then have doctors "conduct" a remote gynecological exam on her? Dr. Madsen quickly reminded Rep. Barbieri that "swallowed" things do not end up in that part of a woman's body. [Associated Press via Salon.com, 2-23-2015]

The international sportswear retailer Bjorn Borg (namesake of the Swedish tennis player) created a promotional video game (now also sold separately) that encourages not mayhem and murder, but the vanquishing of one's opponents with love -- and "lovingly" stripping them down so that they can be outfitted in Bjorn Borg fashions. Said a company official, a player's mission is "to liberate haters by undressing them with your love guns and (then to) dress them in Bjorn Borg clothing." (The game also features "teddy bear smoke grenades" and a shirtless man resembling Vladimir Putin astride a bear.) [Washington Post, 2-9-2015]

-- Mark Rothwell made the news in Portland, Oregon, in March 2010 when he prevented a bank robbery (and rescued the terrified Chase teller) by jumping the thief, knocking his gun away and holding him until police arrived. He was later awarded a coveted Portland police Civilian Medal for Heroism. However, on Feb. 19, 2015, according to an arrest report, Rothwell himself pulled a gun and robbed the Albina Community Bank in Portland, making off with $15,700. [The Oregonian, 2-19-2015]

-- For Arthur Mondella, 57, a successful maraschino cherry supplier in Brooklyn, New York, the inspection by the district attorney's office in February was to be routine, concerning possible pollution of local waters from discharges of cherry syrup. Mondella was cooperative until the investigator discovered odd shelving "attached" to a wall with magnets, revealing a "secret" room, and then the smell of marijuana -- at which point Mondella calmly left the room and shot himself in the head. Ultimately, police found that the 75-year-old company was merely a side business to Mondella's substantial marijuana-growing operation in the basement. [New York Daily News, 2-24-2015]

Use What You Have: (1) Morrison Wilson, 58, was convicted of assault in Belfast (Northern Ireland) Magistrates Court in February for using his admittedly "big belly" to "bounce" an aggressive neighbor lady out of his garden in a dispute. The lady was injured as she fell backward. (2) In a March skirmish over a handicapped- parking space at a Walmart in Greenfield, Wisconsin, Ms. Kezia Perkins, 32, was charged with assaulting a 71-year-old woman by, said a witness, "chest-butt(ing) her," knocking her to the ground. Said Perkins, "It's not my fault (she) bounced off my big (chest)." (The euphemism "chest" was substituted by WITI-TV of Milwaukee.) [Belfast Telegraph, 2-26-2015] [WITI-TV via WLUK-TV (Green Bay), 3-3-2015]

(1) Several University of Iowa students requested, and received, special "exceptions from" or "assistance with" classwork, including exams, after complaining of stress and a "loss of focus" caused by the appearance of a Ku Klux Klan statue on campus in December. (2) As alleged de-facto policy at Avalon Elementary School in Orlando, Florida, officials last year prohibited toilet-flushing during the statewide Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test. It was thought, an official said, that the whooshing water sounds from nearby bathrooms would disturb the students (and send their scores, according to an Orlando Sentinel reporter, "spiraling down the drain"). [Cedar Rapids Gazette, 3-2-2015] [Orlando Sentinel, 1-1-2015]

(1) A 37-year-old man and two female companions were charged in February with stealing tailgates from nine trucks in the Orlando area. (Their spree ended when, noticing that a club owner had offered a reward on Facebook for his branded tailgate, the three tried to sell it back to him but botched the transaction.) (2) The driver of an empty car-carrying truck pulled off the Bishop Ford Freeway near Calumet City, Illinois, in February after he heard a calamitous sound and felt the trailer shaking violently. It turns out Asa Cole, 23, speeding and following too closely, had inadvertently driven his pickup truck up the low-hanging tracks of the trailer and come to a stop only inches away from the cab. Said the carrier driver, "Is this 'Dukes of Hazzard' or something?" Cole was cited for several violations. [WESH-TV (Orlando), 2-23-2015] [Chicago Tribune, 2-6-2015]

Aleksander Tomaszewski, 33, was convicted of filing a false police report after a January incident in Lane County, Oregon, when he claimed police had beaten him up in his cell after his arrest for stalking and sexual abuse. Tomaszewski's face evidenced a beating, but he was obviously unaware of the surveillance camera, which revealed that, over a four-minute period, Tomaszewski (alone in his cell) had punched himself in the face 45 times to create the "police" attack. [Register-Guard (Eugene, Ore.), 2-18-2015]

More Americans who were unable to keep from accidentally shooting themselves: A Macon, Georgia, man checked into a hospital with a gunshot wound to his genitals (June). Another man wounded himself and another person with the same bullet; the round went through his hand and both legs of his female companion (Elkhart, Indiana, July). Peter Bonfiglio, 27, shot himself in the foot, but blamed a "robber" -- the second time he had shot himself and then blamed a "robber" (Port Charlotte, Florida, June). And then there are those who will never shoot themselves again: a 79-year-old hunter in Indiana, Pennsylvania (December); the son, 49, of a former sheriff in Chattanooga, Tennessee (June); and a St. Joseph, Michigan, woman, 55 (who shot herself in the face in February while adjusting her bra holster). Macon: [WMAZ-TV (Macon), 6-16-2014] Elkhart: [The Elkhart Truth, 7-6-2014] Port Charlotte: [WBBH-TV (Fort Myers, Fla.), 6-18-2014] Indiana: [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 12-11-2014] Chattanooga: [WRCB-TV (Chattanooga), 6-5-2014] St. Joseph: [MLive.com, 2-18-2015]

A 27-year-old man was arrested for trespassing in January (2010) in Seattle's Lusty Lady peep-show arcade, whose layout is a strippers' dance stage surrounded by private viewing stalls for customers. According to police, the man, after ogling the dancers, energetically climbed from his stall, through a ceiling panel and navigated the overhead crawl space -- which merely allowed him to continue staring at the strippers (but perhaps enriched the illicitness of his peeping). [Seattle Post-Intelligencer, 1-26-2010]

Thanks This Week to David Wasley, Russell Bell, Josh Levin, and Milford Sprecher, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

Shooting "upskirt" photos of a 13-year-old girl is not illegal in Oregon, declared Judge Eric Butterfield in February, thus acquitting Patrick Buono, 61, of the crimes of invasion of privacy and "encouraging child sexual abuse." Buono's behavior was "appalling," Judge Butterfield noted, but since the girl was in a public place (a Target store) and no nudity was involved (she wore underpants), the specifics of Oregon statutes were not violated. Said Buono's lawyer, "It's incumbent on us as citizens to cover up whatever we don't want filmed in public places." [The Oregonian, 2-6-2015]

-- Felons, and those convicted of domestic assault, and those with a history of mental illness, cannot by federal law buy firearms or explosive devices, but Americans on the National Counterterrorism Center's consolidated watch list can -- and may possess an unlimited quantity. (In 2013 and 2014, 455 of 486 prospective purchasers on the list passed the background check, and going back to 2004, 2,043 of 2,233, according to a recent Government Accountability Office report.) Legislation to add watch listees as a banned category was introduced again this year, but has failed several times in the past. [New York Times, 2-26-2015; press release of U.S. Sen. Dianne Feinstein, 2-24-2015]

-- The annual National Basketball Association All-Star game in February provided a windfall for the co-host arena's proprietor, James L. Dolan, whose family owns not only Madison Square Garden but also the NBA's richest franchise (the Knicks), hockey's second-richest (the Rangers), and the New York region's telecom juggernaut Cablevision. Among the government handouts Dolan receives is the 33-year (and counting) exemption from property taxes for the Garden's four square blocks ("among the most valuable (plots of land) on Earth," according to New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio) -- a government gift, in 2014 alone, worth $54 million. [New York Times, 2-14-2015] [New York Daily News, 5-29-2014]

The three-week February exhibition of Alejandro Figueredo Diaz-Perera consisted of a blank wall in Chicago's West Loop gallery -- with the artist present only in the sense that he was residing in a narrow, 10-foot crawl space behind the wall with only a single sign alerting patrons ("I am here, but you will not see me"). Diaz-Perera's "In the Absence of a Body" was designed, he said, to explore the boundary between presence and absence. [Huffington Post, 2-18-2015]

(1) A motorist smashed into a power pole at 2 a.m. on Feb. 25 in Tukwila, Washington, because, he explained, he was "chasing an owl." (Police somehow found him to be sober and did not charge him.) (2) Officials in Salem, Oregon, posted signs in February to warn joggers on a popular running path that they might be attacked by a rogue owl or owls, after four people were aggressively pecked at by dive-bombers. (One design for the sign came from cable TV personality Rachel Maddow.) (3) A bar called Annie the Owl was scheduled for a special one-week event in London in March, for patrons to sip drinks while domesticated owls perch on their shoulders. Interest was so keen that a lottery was required for tickets. [KIRO-TV (Seattle), 2-25-2015] [KGW-TV (Portland), 2-12-2015] [CNBC.com, 2-24-2015]

America's Least Interesting Couple: Bill Bresnan, 74, of Toms River, New Jersey, has written a love letter to his wife, Kirsten, also 74, every day for nearly 40 years -- more than 10,000 in number -- and continuing, according to a February ABC News report. "We've never had a fight," he said. Their romance continues over, for example, playing "Boggle" at breakfast or having candlelit dinners with wine. (Bonus: Kirsten has hoarded all of the letters, filed by date, in 25 boxes.) [ABC News via WHAS-TV (Louisville), 2-12-2015]

Margurite Haragan, 58, was charged with two harassment counts against a Jewish woman in Boise, Idaho, in February after the victim complained of being screamed at and roughed up by Haragan, who was trying to pressure her to acknowledge a belief in Jesus Christ. After Haragan allegedly stepped on the woman's neck and pulled her hair upward, the victim promised to become a Christian. Haragan then departed but returned two days later to continue the alleged harassment. (The genesis of the women's relationship was unclear from news reports.) [KTVB-TV (Boise), 2-16-2015]

The "Pedophile Loophole": The Mississippi Department of Education reported recently that federal student privacy law bars local schools from alerting the MDE about college-age student teachers who might be having inappropriate relationships with the K-12 students they teach. The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act apparently controls regulation of the student teachers during on-the-job classroom training (or, as a reporter for the Clarion-Ledger of Jackson wrote, "What happens in college, apparently, stays in college"). The MDE, which issues educator licenses, thus may never learn of the inappropriate behavior of the student teacher. [Clarion-Ledger, 2-21-2015]

"Mummy Maxine" and her husband, Derek Ventham, run adult baby nurseries (the current one, in North Liverpool, England), charging men the equivalent of $115 an hour to lounge in their cribs, in man-sized infant clothing, while being fawned over as if they were helpless pre-toddlers. (No sex play is allowed, but diaper-changing costs about $40 extra.) Even tamer is the "adult preschool" in New York City that Michelle Lapidos and a partner intend to start soon. A month-long course will allow grownups to "relive their pre-K days" with finger-painting, show-and-tell and nap time, she told the Village Voice in January, all while dressing in "your 4-year-old best." [Liverpool Echo, 2-3-2015] [Village Voice, 1-30-2015]

-- Embarrassing: Surveillance video released in February by the Irish Independent showed a small-time burglar trying to break into a car at 1 a.m. in front of the Pheasant bar in Drogheda, Ireland, by smashing a window with a brick -- but also showed that the brick rebounded and knocked the man out, bloodying him. Gerry Brady, owner of the bar, was just closing up and found the burglar dazed, but the man departed before police arrived. Only when Brady later viewed video of the front of his bar did he realize what the man had been up to. [Irish Independent, 2-21-2015]

-- Least Industrious Criminals: (1) Deputies in Santa Rosa County, Florida, arrested Kevin Barbour, 37, after he fled, on foot, from a recent traffic stop. Deputies chased him awhile, then called for K-9 backup, and by the time the dogs arrived, a sound resembling a "snorting wild boar" saturated the area. A snoring Barbour was found asleep under a tree and arrested. (2) Michael Cassano, 38, was arrested in Lodi, New Jersey, in February, after allegedly robbing the Hudson City Savings Bank of about $4,000. He was spotted minutes later, a block away at a Dunkin Donuts, sipping coffee. [Pensacola News Journal, 2-2-2015] [Associated Press via The Record (Woodland Park, N.J.), 2-24-2015]

News of the Weird has reported on joyous "fertility" festivals in South Korea and Japan in which uninhibited celebrants brandish artistic "penises" (from parade floats to souvenir phalluses as jewelry, flower pots, food, etc. -- serving adults and little kids alike). It turns out that Greece, too, has such an annual spectacle, "Bourani," in the town of Tirnavos, on the first day of Lent, with historic roots based on inspiring fertile crops as well as human fertility. Wrote Vice.com in its dispatch, "People keep kissing (the penises), taking selfies with them, and wearing them as earrings." [Vice.com, 2-26-2015]

Mark Seamands, 39, went to trial in May (2010) in Port Angeles, Washington, accused of second-degree assault and two lesser charges for the hot-iron branding of his three children, aged 13, 15 and 18. Each of the kids bore the mark "SK," for "Seamands' Kids." At trial, however, the kids testified that they not only consented to the branding but thought it was cool (despite the second-degree burns), and as a result, the jury dismissed the assault charge and deadlocked on the two lesser ones. [Associated Press via KIRO-TV (Seattle), 5-14-2010]

Thanks This Week to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.