LEAD STORY

Sri Lanka has, as an "unwritten symbol of pride and culture," the world's highest per-capita rate for eye-donation, according to a January Associated Press dispatch from Colombo. Underpinning this national purpose is the country's Buddhist tradition that celebrates afterlives. "He's dead," said a relative of an eye recipient about the donor, "but he's still alive. His eye can still see the world." Doctors even report instances in which Sri Lankans consider giving up an eyeball while still alive, as a measure of virtue. A new state-of-the-art clinic, funded by Singaporean donors, is expected to nearly double Sri Lanka's eyeball exports.

-- Melissa Torres was a passenger in an April 2011 auto accident in Texas City, Texas, in which the five people involved were reported "uninjured" by police, and indeed, Torres was released from the Mainland Medical Center emergency room after a routine evaluation (for which she was billed $4,850). In fact, records from April 2011 until September showed her balance as $4,850. However, in December, Mainland learned that Torres had made an insurance claim against the driver and settled it for $30,000. The hospital quickly "updated" her balance to $20,211 and filed a claim against the settlement.

-- Hospitals, of course, are obligated to render emergency care to anyone who needs it, even to undocumented immigrants and irrespective of ability to pay. However, various state laws, such as New York's, also prohibit hospitals from releasing a patient who has no safe place to be discharged to. A January New York Times report noted that New York City hospitals currently house about 300 of those "continuing care" patients, with many in the five-year-long range and one patient now in his 13th year. (In some states, even, the laws' wording permits "pop drops," in which adult children leave "ailing" parents at a hospital when the children decide they need a break.)

-- A November Comtel airlines charter flight from India to Birmingham, England, stopped in Vienna, Austria, to refuel, but the pilots learned that Comtel's account was overdrawn and that the airport required the equivalent of about $31,000 for refueling and take-off charges, and thus, if the passengers were in a hurry, they needed to come up with the cash. After a six-hour standoff, many of the 180 passengers were let off the plane, one by one, to visit an ATM, and eventually a settlement was reached.

Paul Rothschild, 40, was facing a Dec. 9 court date in Lake County, Ill., on a charge of indecent solicitation of a minor -- a charge that could have sent him to prison for five years. Apparently oblivious of the imminent danger, Rothschild was arrested on Dec. 7 after a months-long campaign to entice another minor girl to engage in sex.

-- In November, Rickie La Touche, 30, was convicted in England's Preston Crown Court of killing his wife in a rage over her having allegedly destroyed the Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker memorabilia that he had collected since childhood. And in January, a judge in Portland, Ore., ordered a 45-day jail sentence, plus mental evaluation, for David Canterbury, 33, after he attacked Toys R Us customers with a lightsaber in each hand. And in February in Brooklyn, N.Y., Flynn Michael expanded his search for his stolen $400 custom-made lightsaber. "I guess that's the joke," said Michael, self-pityingly. "Some Jedi I turned out to be."

-- Recent Newsmakers: In a Christmas Eve alcohol-related auto accident in Buffalo, N.Y., the injured victims included Chad Beers, and the man charged was Richard Booze Jr. In Burnett County, Wis., in October, Scott Martini, 51, was arrested for suspicion of DUI, which would be his fourth offense. In Madison, Wis., in January, police filed weapon and drug charges against the 30-year-old man who had legally changed his name to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. And charged with vandalism of a Rhode Island state troopers' barracks in November was the 27-year-old Mr. Wanker Rene.

-- In 2011, for the first time in 10 years, Jose was not the most popular baby name in Texas (it was Jacob), but more interesting were the outlier names from the birth register examined by the Houston Press in December. Among last year's Houston babies were boys with the first names Aa'den, Z'yun, Goodness, Godswill, Clever, Handsome, Sir Genius and Dallas Cowboys. Girls' names included Gorgeousg'zaiya, A'Miracle, Dae'Gorgeous and Praisegod. The newspaper had previously combed the register of convicts in Harris County (Houston) and found Willie Nelson de Ochoa, Shi'tia Alford, Petrono Tum Pu, Charmin Crew and Anal Exceus.

-- Bill Robinson, 66, of Decatur, Ga., was arrested on a misdemeanor firearm charge in December for gathering holiday mistletoe in the "best way" he knew -- shooting it out of a tree with a 12-gauge shotgun. The fact that the tree was in the parking lot of the suburban North DeKalb Mall (filled with holiday shoppers) apparently completely escaped his attention. "Well," said Robinson to WGCL-TV, "about the time I did it, I got to thinking about it. ... I guess I assumed that everybody knew what I was doing."

-- Not Ready for Prime Time: Mostafa Hendi was charged with attempted robbery of the We Buy Gold store in Hendersonville, N.C., in December, but clerk Derek Mothershead stopped him. As Hendi reached for the money, Mothershead punched him in the face, momentarily knocking him out cold. He held Hendi down with one hand and called 911 with the other, and as the two waited for police, Mothershead handed Hendi cleanser and paper towels and ordered him to clean up his blood off of the floor.

-- Needed to Think It Through Better: Car salesman Frank Ready was showing his inventory to Pedro Prieto and Yordan Llauger at his lot in Austin, Texas, in December, and they had settled on a Nissan Maxima for around $9,000. "They asked if I took Visa," Ready told KVUE-TV. "I said, 'Yeah.'" The next day, Prieto and Llauger returned with 90 $100 Visa gift cards. Naturally, Ready called police, who later found at least 28 counterfeit credit cards on the pair and charged them and a third person with fraud and identity theft.

Almost No Longer Weird: (1) Fifteen firefighters on three crews (estimated cost per hour, the equivalent of $1,400) were dispatched to Norwich market in Norwich, England, in January to rescue a gull entangled on tree branches and, according to the animal rescue society, "in distress." (2) Women in Dado village on the southern Philippines island of Mindanao went "on strike" last year to persuade the men to stop their fighting over land disputes. ("If you do bad things," a September Agence France-Presse dispatch quoted one woman, "you will be cut off, here," motioning below her waist.) These sex strikes do not always work, but, reported AFP, this one did.

Recent Public Appearances of Jesus and/or the Virgin Mary: Wiltshire, England, June (Jesus in candle wax dripping from a church's pulpit). Anderson County, S.C., July (Jesus on a Walmart receipt). Kinston, N.C., June (Jesus' body on a cross formed by kudzu on a telephone pole). Orpington, England, December (Jesus on a sock). Fortitude Valley, Australia, January (Jesus on a tomato that had remained in an office refrigerator a little too long). Yuma, Ariz., August (Mary in a dried mango slice). Blue Springs, Mo., December (Jesus on crayons melted for a science class project ("(W)hat better sign to get than (one) right in front of you?" asked the student's mother.).

"Dementiaville": Swiss health officials have authorized construction of an assisted-living "village" of 1950s-style homes and gardens designed to "remind" patients with Alzheimer's and similar afflictions of surroundings that they might actually recall and with which they might be more comfortable and secure than they are with modern life. The 150-resident grounds, near the city of Bern, will be similar to a Dutch facility set up in 2009 in a suburb of Amsterdam. "To reinforce an atmosphere of normality," reported London's The Independent in January, the Swiss caretakers will dress as gardeners, hairdressers, shop assistants and the like.

-- The varsity girls' basketball teams at predominantly white Kenmore East High School near Buffalo, N.Y., have, for several years, apparently, psyched themselves up in a pre-game locker-room ritual by chanting, "One, Two, Three, (n-word (plural))!" before running out the door and onto the court. Although the white players this year called the use of the word a "tradition" (passed down from year to year), and not a racial "label," the team's only black player not surprisingly had a problem with it and reported it to school officials. According to a December Buffalo News report, it was always a players-only tradition, and no adult was aware of the chant, but upon learning of it, officials immediately imposed player suspensions and team penalties.

-- The U.S. Treasury Department's inspector general for tax matters revealed in January that the IRS certified 331 prison inmates as registered "tax preparers" during a recent 12-month period, including 43 who were serving life sentences. None of the 43, and fewer than one-fourth of the total, disclosed that they were in prison. (The agency blamed a 2009 federal law intended to encourage online filing of tax returns, noting that "tax preparer" registration can now be accomplished online by passing a 120-question test.) (USA Today reported in February 2011 that prisoners filing false or fraudulent tax returns scammed the IRS for nearly $39.1 million in 2009.)

-- The Olympic Committee Will Not Be Calling: (1) Mr. Badr Al-Alyani told a Saudi Arabian newspaper in November that he was nearing the world record for squirting milk from his eye. The current champion, Mehmet Yilmaz of Turkey, reached 2.7 meters (almost 9 feet), and Al-Alyani reports one squeeze of 2.3 meters. He said he "will continue training." (2) In San Francisco, there is an annual refereed "Masturbate-a-thon," and the supposed world record, set in 2009, is held by Masanobu Sato, who remained aroused for nine hours, 58 minutes. In a series of videos released recently, Sato calmly explained how he "practices" for about two hours every morning while his live-in girlfriend goes about her business (in one video, ironing). Sato said he trains by swimming twice a week and has "gained about (11 pounds) in muscle," which helped him with "stamina."

-- David Belniak, now serving 12 years in prison after pleading guilty to DUI manslaughter for killing a woman and her adult daughter and her husband in a Christmas Day 2007 car crash, filed a lawsuit from prison in January against the victims' family, demanding justice from them in the form of compensation for medical expenses and his "pain" and "anguish." Police records show Belniak was driving between 75 and 85 mph when he rear-ended the victims' stopped car (and that he had alcohol, Xanax and cocaine in his system). Attorney Debra Tuomey, Belniak's sister, represents him and called her brother's imprisonment "government sanctioned assassination."

-- Not One Second Longer With That Wench: A man identified as Antonio C., 99, filed for divorce in December against his wife of 77 years, Rosa C., age 96, in Rome, Italy. According to an ANSA news agency report, Antonio became upset when he discovered 50-year-old letters from an affair Rosa once had.

-- Christopher Bolt pleaded guilty in September to felony destruction of property in Loudoun County, Va., for spray-painting more than 50 vehicles. Some were marked with the number "68," which a sheriff's detective explained was probably because Bolt had initially sprayed "69" but realized it "didn't look right."

-- Brogan Rafferty, 16, in jail in Cleveland, Ohio, awaiting trial for assisting in at least one murder in a robbery scheme, wrote to his father in December (in a letter shared with the Plain Dealer newspaper) that he was certain God would not allow him to suffer a long prison sentence. That would mean, he wrote, that "all my meaningful family members would be dead" when he got out. "(N)o way God would do that to me."

-- Benjamin North, 26, was apprehended by deputies in Humboldt County, Calif., because they were pretty sure he was the man who used a stolen credit card at a Safeway supermarket in December. They knew this because North, for some reason, insisted that the purchase be credited to his personal "Safeway Club" card, which he presented to the cashier along with the stolen card.

-- Gayane Zokhrabov, then 58, was knocked down by the flying corpse of Hiroyuki Joho, 18, during a rainstorm in Chicago in 2008, and in December 2011 filed a lawsuit against Joho's estate for compensation for the various injuries she suffered that day (broken leg, broken wrist, shoulder pain). Joho's corpse was "flying" because he had just been fatally struck by a fast-moving train as he dashed through the storm across several tracks -- while Zokhrabov was waiting on a nearby station platform. A judge initially ruled that Zokhrabov's injuries were not a "foreseeable" result of Joho's crossing the tracks, but in December, a state appeals court reinstated the lawsuit.

-- PayPal confirmed to a Toronto Star reporter in January that its refund policy required the shattering of a violin that may well have been a pre-World War II classic easily worth the $2,500 the seller was asking. The buyer had balked after paying, claiming the violin was counterfeit and produced one expert's opinion to that effect, demanding that PayPal refund the money, which it did, provided that the buyer first "destroy" the property. (According to PayPal, the laws of many countries, including the U.S., prohibit mailing knowingly counterfeit goods, and hence, PayPal's could not simply order the violin returned to sender. The seller, certain that the violin was authentic, was left with neither it nor the money.)

Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Police in London stepped up their search for the man who tried to rob the Halifax bank in October but escaped empty-handed. He had demanded 700,000 pounds from a bank employee and then, intending to hand over the bag that he had brought for the money, instead absentmindedly handed over his gun. Realizing his mistake, he dashed out the door. (2) Verlin Alsept, 59, was arrested in Dayton, Ohio, in January and charged with trying to rob a Family Dollar store. He had demanded all the money in a cash register and, apparently as an attempt to intimidate the clerk, he pulled out a .38 caliber bullet from his pocket and showed it to her. She was, of course, undaunted, and he walked away (but was arrested nearby).

In Jerusalem, It's Good to Be a Man: Ultra-Orthodox Judaism, already responsible for excluding or segregating women on public transportation, advertising images and even use of sidewalks, struck again at a January medical research conference in Jerusalem. Despite their obvious interest in the conference's topic ("Innovations in Gynecology/Obstetrics and Halacha (Jewish Law)"), all women in attendance were required to sit apart from males, and no female was allowed to address the audience from the podium.

LEAD STORY

Your Government Knows Best: A 2007 federal energy- independence law required companies that supply motor fuel in the U.S. to blend in a certain cellulose-based ingredient starting in 2011 -- even though (as the Environmental Protection Agency well knows) the ingredient simply does not now exist. A New York Times reporter checked with the EPA in January and found that the companies will still have to pay the monetary penalties for noncompliance (and almost certainly the even-stiffer penalties for 2012, since the ingredient is still two or three years from development). "It belies logic," said a petrochemicals trade association executive.

-- Two dozen religious leaders in India's Karnataka state are, as usual, protesting the annual, centuries-old Hindu ritual in which lower-caste people roll around in food leftovers of upper-caste people. "Hundreds" performed the exercise at temples, according to a January Times of India report, believing that contact with sophisticates' food will alleviate pernicious skin conditions.

-- Far away from Karnataka, in the urban center of Calcutta, India, engineers are trying to save the historic Howrah Bridge from collapsing due to corrosion from spit. A half-million pedestrians (aside from the frenzied vehicle traffic) use the bridge every day and frequently spit their guthka and paan (half-chewed betel leaf and areca nut and slaked lime) onto the steel hangers that hold up the bridge -- thus reducing the hanger bases by 50 percent in just the last three years. (Engineers' immediate remedies: cover the bases in washable fiberglass and conduct an education campaign in which "gods" implore pedestrians to hold their saliva until they've crossed the bridge.)

-- On Nov. 5, the 220 inhabitants of Coll, an island off the coast of Scotland, endured the first "crime" that any of the residents could remember. Someone vandalized the public lavatories at a visitors' facility, doing the equivalent of about $300 damage. A constable was summoned from a nearby island to investigate, but seas were rough, and he had to wait for two days for the ferry to run. One Coll resident vaguely recalled an incident at a pub once in which a man threatened to throw a punch (but didn't), and another remembered that someone took whale bones left on a beach by researchers (but later gave them back). According to a Daily Telegraph report, the culprit is "still at large."

-- The U.S. Air Force Academy last year installed an $80,000 rock garden/fire pit on its campus for use by several "Earth-based" religions (pagans, Wiccans, druids, witches and various Native American faiths). For the current year, only three of the 4,300 cadets have identified themselves in that group, but the academy is sensitive to the issue after a 2005 lawsuit accused administrators and cadets of allowing too-aggressive proselytizing on behalf of Christian religions. For the record, the academy currently has 11 Muslim cadets, 16 Buddhists, 10 Hindus and 43 self-described atheists.

-- In separate incidents during one week in December in Polk County, Fla., four church pastors were arrested and charged with sex-related crimes involving children, including Arnold Mathis, 40, at the time working for the Saint City Power and Praise Ministry in Winter Haven, but who has moved on to the Higher Praise Ministries in Lake Wales and who was allowed to work for the church despite a sex-crime rap sheet.

-- Just two weeks before the January worldwide Internet protest against proposed copyright-protection legislation, the Missionary Church of Kopimism in Sweden announced that it had been granted official government status as a religion (one of 22 so recognized), even though its entire reason for being is to celebrate the right to share files of information -- in any form, but especially on the Internet. Swedish law makes such religious recognition easy, requiring only "a belief system with rituals." The Kopimism website demonizes "copyright believers" who "derive their power by limiting people's lives and freedom."

According to recent consumer-protection rulings by the European Food Safety Authority, sellers of prunes are prohibited from marketing them as laxatives, and sellers of bottled water are forbidden to offer it as preventing dehydration. In both cases, the commissioners referred to the underlying science of the body to defend their decisions, but the rulings were still widely derided as anti-common-sense. Members of the European Parliament complained, especially given the current precarious state of the European Union itself. One parliamentarian challenged an EFSA policymaker to a prune-eating contest: If it's not a laxative, he said, let's see how many you can eat and not have your "bowel function" "assisted."

(1) In December in Yamaguchi prefecture, Japan, a group of luxury car enthusiasts gathered and began a caravan to nearby Hiroshima, but one of the drivers, changing lanes, hit a median barrier and spun across the highway, resulting in a chain-reaction pileup involving 14 cars, including eight red Ferraris, a Lamborghini and two Mercedes-Benz. Drivers suffered only cuts and bruises, but "some" of the vehicles were reported "beyond repair." (2) David Dopp of Santaquin, Utah, won a fundraising raffle sponsored by the non-profit organization "teamgive" in November -- a Lamborghini Murcielago, valued at about $380,000. He picked up his prize on Dec. 17, but six hours later, he spun out of control, knocked over several fence posts, and disabled the Murcielago's front end.

Logan Alexander, 63, a school security guard in Trenton, N.J., who was fired after pleading guilty in 2007 to twice inappropriately touching students, was later sued by a third girl for similar behavior but settled that lawsuit in 2010 by agreeing to pay the girl $12,500. Recently, according to a December report in the Trenton Times, Alexander filed a lawsuit against the Trenton Board of Education, demanding that the board pay the $12,500 to the girl because, after all, Alexander was "on duty" when he committed the inappropriate touching.

In Bennington, Vt., in December, Adam Hall, 34, was accused of vandalizing his ex-girlfriend's car, including scratching the word "slut" into the hood (except that the word was spelled s-u-l-t). Hall initially denied any involvement until an officer handed him a sheet of paper and asked him to write the sentence, "You are a slut." Sure enough, Hall spelled slut "sult" and was promptly charged with malicious mischief.

-- In November, the Washington Times reported that the Washington, D.C.-area Metro transportation agency had hired, as a financial consultant, a woman with multiple convictions for bank fraud and who had been implicated in one of Washington's largest heroin rings. Furthermore, even when the agency learned of her record, it neither disciplined her nor removed her from her finance responsibilities. According to the Times, Metro has other lax management issues. A Maryland state attorney recently revealed that a Metro employee had been "storing" 70 unaccounted-for pieces of Metro property (including computers and televisions) at his home for years, and following that news, according to the Times, other employees began sheepishly returning similar property.

-- Update: Hon. Marion Barry, 75, former four-term mayor (and one-time famous cocaine user), is now in his second post-prison term as a Washington, D.C., Council member and announced in January that he will run for another four years. In December, the Internal Revenue Service filed a new lien on a home Barry owns in Washington, based on unpaid income taxes from 2010. Barry is currently making payments out of his council paycheck for D.C. and federal taxes back to 1999 after pleading guilty in 2005 to failure to file tax returns at all for the previous six years. The very next year, 2006, he failed to file for 2005, and after getting caught then, he subsequently failed to file for 2007. On the D.C. Council, Barry is a member of the finance and revenue committee.