DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know it is considered impolite to ask for something that is not on the dinner table. I was wondering, however, if it were permitted to ask for routine things, such as salt or water.

Is it OK to ask for tea when coffee is offered, or should one just refuse a drink? Cream cheese is routinely offered with bagels, but I prefer butter. Is it acceptable to ask if they have such, or do I eat my bagel dry?

GENTLE READER: Naked bagels and beverage abstinence are not required, as long as requests are polite and reasonable. Miss Manners allows one usually available substitution per item, if no more than two words are used to modify it: “I wonder if you might have beer instead of wine” is acceptable. “Something hoppy in a locally sourced, sustainable craft lager” is not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman in her 60s and pride myself on my cooking. My sons and friends will vouch for my ability. I am also not above learning from others or taking suggestions.

That being said, the other night I was cooking some stuffed peppers in the oven. When I went to check on them, the tomato sauce looked very dark.

When I told my husband what I noticed, he said he had added some red wine.

I was livid. It’s one thing to come to me and say “Hey, how about adding ...” but to add it without me knowing was unacceptable. He seemed to think it was no big deal.

We are both in the wine and food industry. Do you think it is OK to alter someone else’s cooking while it is being cooked, and without asking or telling?

GENTLE READER: Not only is it not OK, it is a plot device for domestic murder mysteries. Miss Manners suggests you emphasize that point to your husband and make a deal going forward: No one may alter any food or drink in preparation without warning and explicit and verbal consent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my spouse and I wed, we stated on our invitations, “No gifts, please.” However, a number of guests left cards with checks in them. Some of the amounts were in the range to cover expenses, but others were considerably more substantial.

Of course, we sent effusive thank-you cards, but I wonder: Should we have been more explicit and stated, “No gifts or cash”? While we were happy to get the money, I hate to think that we inadvertently implied that we were asking for cash in lieu of gifts, or even intended to leave the door open for it.

GENTLE READER: Because the modern wedding industry cannot conceive of a world in which you are not well-compensated for getting married, that is the modern interpretation of “No gifts.” It has seemingly been updated to place the emphasis on the word “gifts,” rather than “No.”

Miss Manners always found the phrase distasteful because of its implied expectation for presents in the first place. Now she finds it doubly so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student living with an elderly lady who loves to cook. Although I appreciate her caring enough to provide me with delicious home-cooked meals, she gives me much more food than I can manage to eat.

I have tried to politely decline her food at times, or convey to her that I have other plans for lunch or dinner, but she assumes that I will “get hungry later” and eat her food. When I don’t end up eating it, she chastises me and asks me what she will do with it now, as though it is my fault she made me food without asking me (and sometimes, despite me telling her that I have already eaten/have plans).

What is a kind way to tell her to stop interfering in my meals? I understand that it is from kindness that she is looking out for me, but she tends to buy and cook more food than the two of us can consume, and expects me to deal with it. I cannot continue eating food when I am full or have already eaten. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Develop an enthusiasm for leftovers, as in, “This looks wonderful. Thank you so much. As you know, I’ve already ordered food, but it will make a wonderful lunch tomorrow.” Miss Manners does not therefore suggest that you actually have to eat the proffered food, only that, having failed to persuade her not to prepare it, you need a way to get out of her line of sight before disposing of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that when attending a funeral, one should wear black. However, when paying my respects, I’ve noticed that family members often are not in black, and some are dressed quite casually.

My wearing black then seems (to me) to give the appearance that I’m closer to the deceased than is the case. I’ve begun wearing a dark (not-black) color such as brown, gray or purple, and leaving black to the family members.

What are your thoughts? Should I wear black, or continue with a dark color?

GENTLE READER: Your intention, Miss Manners believes, is good: to honor the dead by considering the feelings of those closer to them than yourself.

But making up your own manners is not the way to do this. You do not know why the principal mourners are more casually dressed; perhaps they are so distraught they simply did not notice. By wearing black yourself, you demonstrate respect for the dead, and you reaffirm the existence of a wider social contract.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A married couple has two last names: Joe Smith married Mary Jones. Mary kept her maiden name, and has used it for all social and business matters for 40 years.

How to style her name in an obit? The couple are survivors of Joe Smith’s mother.

GENTLE READER: Neither marriage nor death justifies quibbling about a lady’s choice of surname. Ms. Jones may be identified as the daughter-in-law of the late Ms. Smith -- or whatever that lady’s name was in life; Miss Manners does not want to presume.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

MISS MANNERS: I had a fire and lost everything. I rebuilt and am now in my new home. Some things are not finished yet; it will take a while. But friends and family are asking me whether I plan to throw a housewarming party. Do I throw it myself?

My neighbors are curious about the house, also. I was thinking of having an open house, where I set a time -- say, 1 p.m. to 3 p.m. -- and offer some finger foods and let everyone come and go.

Some friends said I should register at a few stores in case someone wants to bring a gift. I do not want to look like a bride or anything. But I lost 34 years of possessions, my five cats and a bit of my mind. And insurance doesn’t begin to cover those losses.

GENTLE READER: What you went through is heartbreaking. It sounds, however, as if you are seeking permission, not advice -- permission to treat your friends as supplemental insurance.

If, out of their kindness and feeling for you, they wish to send you any unsolicited presents, you will, of course, respond with an effusive letter of thanks. But the commitment they make as friends is to emotional, not financial, support. And a registry is an announcement that you expect people to buy what you need. (And yes, that goes for brides, too.)

You can throw your housewarming party in whichever form, and at whatever time, you prefer, without any fear that you are putting a burden on the friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son’s best friend is rude. Today he told our daughter, “Shut up, no one wants to hear your singing” when she was humming in OUR playroom. He regularly contradicts me in normal conversation, and when his father came to pick him up after his last visit, the child told his father, “You suck.”

We want our son to have friends, and we want those friends to be welcome in our house, but this is not acceptable language.

What is an appropriate approach to his boorish behavior? I simply cannot allow him to be unkind to our daughter while he is in our house.

GENTLE READER: Nor should you. The distinction to be made is that while the friend is in your house, he is expected to abide by your rules -- which include treating one another with respect.

Miss Manners trusts that you know how to convey this to young Liam, since you are rearing two children of your own. But remember that you have met the fruit, and the tree is likely nearby: A father who accepts such a rude comment from his son without comment is capable of complaining about supposed maltreatment by you toward said son.

Should that occur, your response will be that your family adores it when Liam comes over to play, and that you were only intervening because the rules at your house are different from those to which he must be accustomed. And you will, of course, remind Ethan that when he visits Liam, he must respect the rules of Liam’s house.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)