life

Husband Doesn't Want to Attend Destination Wedding

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 29th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my mentees is getting married overseas, and she invited my husband and me to her wedding. I really want to go. I like her so much. She has given us a fair amount of time to get ourselves in order, too -- the wedding is more than a year away.

My husband does not have a passport and does not want to get one. He is happy staying in the United States and thinks it’s frivolous to get on a plane to go overseas to a wedding. I disagree. This young woman is important to me, and I want to support her. I have traveled overseas before with my sister and some college friends. If I go, this would be the first time I would travel by myself. Do you think I should go anyway? -- Going to the Wedding

DEAR GOING TO THE WEDDING: Given that you have traveled successfully abroad already, it is clear that you know how to travel internationally. It’s too bad that your husband chooses not to join you, but if he is dead set against it, then you are left to make an independent choice. Since you feel drawn to attend this wedding, do a bit more research. Find out from the bride who else is going and if there might be someone who could be your travel buddy. Flying with someone who is going to the same event could make your trip that much richer. But if that doesn’t work out, just go!

Be sure not to needle your husband about his choice, though; you have to be OK with both of your decisions. That attitude might actually get him to reconsider broadening his horizons at some point.

Love & DatingFriends & NeighborsMarriage & Divorce
life

Friend Has Terrible Breath

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 29th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend from my son’s school who is active in the PTA, and so am I. We get along great, and he is one of the most engaged people on our team. I like working with him, except that he has really bad breath. I mean, it's horrible. He knows it, too. He often puts his hand over his mouth as he is talking, which can make it hard to understand his words but easier to stomach the smell. I try to position myself so that I’m not directly in line with his face so that it can be easier to talk to him. Besides that, is there anything I should do? I can’t imagine that it would be smart for me to say anything to him about it directly. -- Bad Breath

DEAR BAD BREATH: This is a challenging situation to deal with. Unfortunately, it is both common and uncomfortable. For a variety of reasons, most people have had bad breath before. For someone with a chronic condition, foul breath is often a sign of a serious medical condition, not just halitosis. Still, it’s not your place to inquire, especially since you know he is aware of it. This is a grin-and-bear-it situation.

For anyone reading who may suffer from bad breath, you should make sure you are brushing and flossing regularly -- especially after meals to remove any food particles. Know that gum disease, diabetes or a sinus infection can cause halitosis. When in doubt, go to the doctor to find out.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Government Shutdown Victims Should Band Together

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 28th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Several people in my neighborhood work for the government, and the stress of the shutdown is wearing on them. My husband and I are on Social Security, so we rely on the government, too. We are in a situation that feels like a sinking ship.

I think it might be smart for us to band together and cook some meals. Sometimes it costs less when you make more. I don’t know. I hate seeing people suffer. Do you think it’s a good idea to suggest a potluck kind of thing? Maybe it could boost people’s spirits if we are all together? We have gotten together before over the years, but usually for happy reasons. -- Shutdown

DEAR SHUTDOWN: First, I want to say that I hope that by the time this is published, the government shutdown is over. It is already the longest in recorded history, which is nothing for us to feel good about. I have seen and read many stories of individuals and families who are struggling. This crisis has revealed that many Americans live from paycheck to paycheck. As we hear stories about the "booming" economy, I have consistently heard people complain that they don’t know who is benefiting from this boom.

Your idea for a neighborhood potluck is excellent. It represents a way that everyone can break bread together more affordably as you offer support and good fellowship. Knowing that you are not alone at a time like this can be helpful. When you invite your neighbors, make it easy for them to participate by being a good organizer. State what you will make and ask what they can bring. Keep your tone upbeat so that they know this gathering is meant to inspire everyone to weather this economic storm.

Friends & NeighborsMoneyWork & School
life

Reader Needs to Make Time to Talk to Elderly Neighbor

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 28th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in an apartment building with a lot of different people of various backgrounds. One elderly woman is kind and talkative. Whenever I see her, she wants to have a leisurely conversation about whatever is on her mind. It’s sweet, and I want to be able to spend time with her, but usually I am dashing off to work or to an appointment. I see how frustrating it can be for her when she is ready to settle in for a chat and I have to run. I don’t mean to hurt her feelings. How can I best address this situation? I know I can’t make myself available every time I see her, but there’s got to be something I can do to be more attentive to her. -- Time for Elders

DEAR TIME FOR ELDERS: Always greet your neighbor with a warm smile and hello. When you know you cannot stop, tell her you have to go, but you look forward to speaking with her at another time. Follow up with her, and ask if you can bring her tea or come to visit from time to time. If you do make a date, make sure you show up on time. Be prepared to stay awhile, but also manage expectations by letting her know how long you can stay and that you will return.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Co-Worker Puts Foot in Mouth Regarding Teen Pregnancy

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 26th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I totally put my foot in my mouth. I was talking about the horrible things that often happen to women who have babies in their teens. I know I sounded high and mighty because I don’t approve of teen mothers. I think it’s way too difficult to provide a healthy life for the baby. Still, I never have meant to insult anyone. It turns out that my co-worker had a child when she was 16. Now she is 40-something, and her life is great. Her first child is healthy and productive, as are the rest of her kids. She glared at me when I made my comment. What can I say to make amends with her? I did not mean to offend her, but I know I did. -- Loud Mouth

DEAR LOUD MOUTH: I was at a women’s conference a few years ago when something similar happened. There was someone on a panel talking about the perils of teen pregnancy and how horrible people’s lives usually are when they have children too young. The speaker went on and on, using statistics, to explain why having a baby when you are a teen is a horrible idea. When it came time for questions, a well-dressed, professional woman stood up and blasted the speaker. She said she was tired of listening to people bad-mouth her. Yes, she had a child at 15. No, it wasn’t ideal. But she has built a great life for herself, and so has her now-grown child. She cautioned people about passing judgment and said that we all have struggles, so we should be careful about how harshly we condemn others.

I never forgot that moment. Of course, it can be difficult and often financially debilitating for a teenager to have a child. But we should be mindful that plenty of them do, and those children and parents need support, just like the rest of us.

Go to your co-worker and apologize for expressing your thoughts. Tell her that you are learning from her the harshness of your own views. Assure her that you didn’t mean to offend and that you realize that teen pregnancy, like so many other topics, is multidimensional, and you are no expert on it. Ask for her forgiveness.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & NeighborsWork & School
life

Elderly Parents Refuse to Wear Emergency-Alert Jewelry

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 26th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents are older, in their early 90s. They have been healthy, but now they are a bit fragile. I feel so grateful to still have them. Their minds are sharp, too. Being older, they are starting to need support. Whenever I can’t reach them on the phone, I freak out. The same goes for my siblings. I recommended that they get those alarms for calling the police, but my parents won’t think of it. They say they want to stay “young.” I get it in that maybe this is how they have stayed vital for so long. But they are 90-plus! Come on. I need them to have safeguards for potential accidents. How can I convince them that this is important? -- Keeping Parents Safe

DEAR KEEPING PARENTS SAFE: Ask your parents for a compromise. Have them agree that they will check in with you or one of your siblings every three hours. Set up a schedule with them, and implement it for a month. It is likely that they will not want so much engagement throughout the day, even if it is a momentary call. After a month, tell them that if they would be willing to wear the alarm necklace that they can push in case of emergency, you and your siblings will not have to police them so strenuously. Chances are, they will go for it then!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Family & ParentingHealth & Safety

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