DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine referred a woman to me for a job. I have so much respect for my friend that I hired his referral without checking any additional references. That turned out to be a bad idea. This woman has worked with me for three weeks, and other than the first few days, it has gone downhill -- and fast. I gave her an assignment, and she didn’t meet the deadline in her first week. When I asked her about her progress, I got excuse after excuse. She was supposed to turn in two reports by the end of week one; I have yet to receive a full report. I got only a couple of pages of notes.

My experience is that people usually try to do their best, especially at first, because they want to make that 90-day mark and get benefits. I don’t think I can keep her. I feel bad because she is close to my friend. Should I tell him what’s going on? How can I get out of this and keep my friendship with our mutual friend? -- Awkward Work Situation

DEAR AWKWARD WORK SITUATION: Deal with the employee first. Talk to her about her job performance, and inquire as to why she is underperforming. Probe to see if she understands her assignments, or if she has outside factors that are distracting her from completing her tasks. Let her know that if she is unable to meet her deadlines within a specific period of time, you will not be able to keep her. Find out from human resources if you need to give her a formal warning since she is still on probation. If you must fire her, do that before speaking to your friend.

Next, contact your friend and give your update. He needs to know that his recommendation backfired. I caution people when they are making recommendations, because essentially, they are putting their reputations on the line. Tell your friend what this woman failed at so he will know in the future not to recommend her for that role. If he gets mad at you, so be it. Next time, do your own due diligence before hiring anyone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother is wealthy. He and his wife have children, just like my husband and I, but they give them way more stuff because they can. All of our children are well-behaved, but my children live much more modestly. My husband thinks that my brother and his wife coddle their kids and aren’t teaching them strong life lessons. I totally disagree. Plus, I don’t think it’s my husband’s business to judge how my brother handles his affairs. Sure, we struggle, but that doesn’t mean that because they don’t, they aren’t teaching their children to be good people. How can I get my husband to stop with his judgments and let people be? -- Stop the Judgments

DEAR STOP THE JUDGMENTS: It can be hard to observe the behavior of people of different means from you and not pass judgment. Your husband seems to be struggling with his own values and resources compared to your brother’s family. You can’t change his beliefs. You can caution him not to talk about them around your children. Remind him how uncomfortable his comments make you. Stand your ground when he goes too far. You should also forgive him for wrestling with this uncomfortable situation.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been involved in my cultural community for many years, and I feel strongly that I should support our causes and work to build up the community in any way I can. I am African-American, and I understand the issues that we face; I have marched and petitioned and participated in Black Lives Matter and other things over the years to support my people. I am very active.

I joined an organization a few years ago, but I didn’t really pay attention to the bylaws. I have now learned that this particular group has a rule forbidding marrying a white woman. I get their point: They want black people to love and choose one another. The thing is, I met and fell in love with a white woman. I don’t want to walk away from my community, but I do want to marry this woman. What should I do? -- Racial Divide

DEAR RACIAL DIVIDE: This is such a prickly topic -- for you as an African-American and, dare I say, for many people of all ethnic backgrounds. For generations, the tradition for most people has been that people marry within their groups -- whatever those dividing lines may be. In this country, it was illegal for many years for blacks and whites to marry. This was called miscegenation, and it often came with penalty of arrest, ostracism and even death by the community at large. In reaction to the extreme practices of racism, some groups chose to create their own rules to protect their communities and keep them strong. This may be why your organization made this bylaw.

The realities of love and intimacy have always been different from those of the law. When people fall in love and choose to build their lives together, it’s not automatically based on their ethnic or religious backgrounds. Many prominent African-American civil rights leaders were married to white people. They had their personal lives AND stayed in the struggle. I say choose love. You can leave that particular group or try to change its bylaws, but don’t allow it to stifle your joy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started a new business, and it’s going pretty well. My office phone is the same as my cell because I don’t really need a business line. I have a frequent customer of the opposite sex, who texts, calls and emails me at unusual times, like late at night, early in the morning or on weekends. As you might imagine, my significant other doesn't love it. He says I have to set boundaries with my clients. I don’t want to risk losing this client, but I see my boyfriend’s point. If it were happening to him, I don’t think I would like it. How can I handle this? -- Blurred Lines

DEAR BLURRED LINES: Stop answering this client’s calls after hours. Create a voice message inviting people to call your business during a particular time. With this client, stop being so available. Return his calls and texts during normal business hours. Stay pleasant and upbeat but firm. After a while, he will get the message

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: We had a power outage in our building, so the electric company guy made the rounds to all of our apartments. One of my neighbors opened the door for him -- naked. I learned about this from him when he was working on my apartment. He was so taken aback he said he now avoids her. Other people in my building have said that she suffers from mental illness. I don’t know, but I am worried about her. We have had a lot of trouble with our power, and I don’t want our misfortune to leave her vulnerable. What can I say or do to help her? -- Neighbor in Crisis

DEAR NEIGHBOR IN CRISIS: It is very thoughtful of you to want to look out for your neighbor. If she truly does suffer from mental illness, you may not have the tools to fully support her, but reaching out to check on her is a good idea. Don’t bring up what happened with the electric company worker. Instead, ask how she is doing through all of this and if you can be of any support. If you know of other neighbors who know her better, ask them what you can do to be helpful during this stressful period. Being in good company could help to make her feel safer during this troubling period. Perhaps you can invite her and a small group of others over for a meal -- if you are able to cobble one together with no power.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who has been promiscuous for all the years I have known her. Suddenly, she is acting like she is a Christian and is saved. She says she has changed her life, which is great, but now she has opinions about all of us. As she is working on her sobriety, she is becoming extremely judgmental of her core friend group. We have been there for her throughout her life. I don’t appreciate being judged about everything I say or do, especially by her. How can I get her to stop talking about us and stay focused on herself? -- Friend in Sobriety

DEAR FRIEND IN SOBRIETY: People in early sobriety often seem obsessed with their own behavior and hypercritical of others. One thing they are often taught is to beware of “people, places and things” that remind them of their past and that might lead them back down a path toward self-destruction. If you and your core group participate in this behavior -- such as drinking alcohol, doing drugs or whatever else she used to do -- it might be best for you to keep your distance for a while. It may be impossible for her to separate her own issues from yours during the early days.

You can also be frank with her. Tell your friend how proud you are of her accomplishments. Wish her well, and then set boundaries. Tell her that it doesn’t work for you when she criticizes you on all that you say and do. Make it clear that you don’t want to sever ties with her right now, but if she is unable to keep her comments about your behavior to herself, you may need to keep your distance -- at least for now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)