DEAR HARRIETTE: My 30-year-old son is in an abusive marriage. His wife hits him, locks him out of the house, calls him humiliating names and has alienated him from his friends and family. This has caused him to lose 50 pounds, and he has developed dangerous stress-related symptoms. He’s a shell of the person he once was. He acts confused and disoriented, rather than our smart, capable and popular son. It’s heartbreaking. He has tried to leave her, but she gets hysterical, threatens suicide and begs him to return. He gives in.

They have three small children who witness this abuse. He’s worried about the kids, but is so broken down he doesn’t feel capable of caring for them on his own. We’ve told him we will care for them, but he tells us it’s too much of a burden. My daughter-in-law refused to attend counseling after one session. My son continues to go on his own. It’s hard for us to be good in-laws when we’re aware of what’s going on. She often blows up at us if we try to talk about it. -- How to Help My Son, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR HOW TO HELP MY SON: Convince your son to report his wife to the police the next time she abuses him. In order for him to have a chance of breaking free from her and getting custody of the children, he will have to prove her abuse. He MUST report her. When she hurts him physically, he should take photos to document his injuries. The way out for him, unfortunately, will be through the legal system. He should also work to ensure that he has his money in order. He has you to help, which is great. You also should be prepared to testify on his behalf and against her, based on facts.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just went to pick up a prescription at my local pharmacy, and I sat down at a blood-pressure machine. It says that I am obese. I know I have gained weight, but that was a shocker. I thought I was a little bit overweight -- but not according to this machine. I have always had a hard time working out and sticking to it. I need to take my health seriously. How can I get motivated? I have two small children. I need to be healthy for them. -- Fighting Obesity, Washington, D.C.

DEAR FIGHTING OBESITY: Start with a complete physical with your doctor. Do blood work to determine your health status, and mention any concerns you may have. Ask for a nutritionist to guide you on healthy, low-calorie eating. Join an exercise class or go to the gym. See if a neighbor or friend wants to buddy with you to work out. Having support can sometimes help you to develop discipline. Let your children be your motivation. If you want to live a healthy life to be able to provide for them, post their photos in a prominent place with a note saying, “Do it for them!” Keep a journal that records your successes and setbacks. Give yourself goals for fitness and health improvements. This will help you to stay focused.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last year, my husband and I traveled across the country to visit our son and his family. Unfortunately, the visit was not a friendly one. My daughter-in-law made herself unavailable. She wasn’t rude, but she made sure she was never at home when we were there. She didn’t join us for dinners or activities. My son always made excuses.

Finally, my son told me that I had hurt her feelings. He explained that the first night we were there, I made a comment about how much weight I had gained. My daughter-in-law got mad because she assumed that I was actually talking about her. Honestly, I wasn't -- I have always had a weight problem, so I would never comment on someone else’s weight.

We have been invited to visit again and have bought the plane tickets. I am dreading it. What if I say something else that upsets her? I tend to go out of my way to greet her when speaking with my son, but visiting for a whole week is a long time to be neglected. She always seems to be on non-speaking terms with someone in her life -- family or neighbors. She is sensitive. How should I handle this? -- Lost Communication, Los Angeles

DEAR LOST COMMUNICATION: You may want to take on the role of elder in this situation and address the elephant in the room. When you arrive, greet your daughter-in-law warmly, and tell her how happy you are to see them again. Tell her and your son that you are looking forward to spending quality time together. In advance, tell her that you know you got off to a rocky start last year and that what you want most is for everyone to enjoy one another's company and for all to assume the positive.

From there, just be yourself. If tender moments occur, address them immediately. If you detect her creating distance between you, speak up and ask her if there is anything you can do to help make things easier.

DEAR HARRIETTE: About a year ago, I found out my husband borrowed $5,000 from our savings account and gave it to a female co-worker. When I asked where the money had gone, he lied to me. I recently found out the co-worker hasn’t repaid the money. She comes up with excuses, but has plenty of money to buy gifts for her grandchildren and new clothes for herself. When I reached out to her about it, she called human resources on my husband. He said no one at work likes her and she has a lot of personal problems.

Our marriage hasn’t been stable, and we need the money back. How do I get her to start paying us? I have reached the end of my rope, and my husband is no help. He gets mad whenever I ask about the money. Some advice, please? -- Show Me the Money, Milwaukee

DEAR SHOW ME THE MONEY: Sadly, this really is between your husband and his co-worker. Without something in writing that states what the agreement was, you can’t know all the details, nor do you have any protection against her. As difficult as this may be, you may never get that money back. Focus on your marriage and what you can do to address your issues. That is what is within your control.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family and I were invited to a holiday party with friends from our son’s previous school. The children are in 9th grade, and they will be reuniting at this event with their parents.

The host mom wrote to ask the parents if we would allow our children to have a toast of champagne at the party. With parents there, it will be controlled, she explained, and her son wants to make this offering. She asked us to get a sense of what we think. My husband and I agreed; we figure it’s better for our kid to try alcohol with us in the room. Most parents said yes -- for one glass. One parent said no, but said it would be OK for his kids to drink a soft drink at the same time. What do you think about this idea? -- The First Toast, Bronx, New York

DEAR THE FIRST TOAST: In theory, I like the idea. While I know that it is not legal for teenagers to buy alcohol, I think it is wise for parents to teach their children how to manage many situations firsthand. That includes alcohol consumption. Many teenagers will try alcohol at some point, often with their friends and without boundaries. To learn how to have a toast and make that enough could be a good example to set for them. What’s most important is for parents to talk to their children about alcohol and drugs and teach them how to be safe.

Your kids should learn never to take a glass of anything -- alcoholic or not -- without seeing it being poured. They should never pick up a glass after they have put it down and left it unattended. They should know that allowing them this one toast does not give them license to drink.

I think one toast with parental coaching around it can be a nice treat.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I were invited to several New Year’s Eve parties, and he wants to go to all of them. I am tired. I have been working like crazy and would rather stay home and chill. I realize this is a big night, but I’m not up for party hopping. I am willing to go to one event. How can I get him to agree to this compromise? -- Not in a Party Mood, Annapolis, Maryland

DEAR NOT IN A PARTY MOOD: Remind your husband of the schedule you have been following of late, so that he understands you are not exaggerating your state of mind and body. Point out that you really want to stay at home and cuddle with him, but you are willing to go to one event as long as you don’t stay out all night. Ask him to meet you halfway. Assure him that you want to spend time with him on this special night, but you just don’t have the stamina to be a party girl.

If he sulks, consider liberating him to go and hang out on his own or with mutual friends. Don’t be mad, though. Instead, ask him to come home to share a toast with you at or near midnight.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)