DEAR HARRIETTE: I spend a lot of time by myself, which I prefer. I moved back home a few years ago to take care of some family business after my mother died. Though I have some family here, I don’t see them much. They have invited me to come spend time with them over the holidays, which is nice and all, but I don’t really want to do it. They have a big family, and it brings back a lot of uncomfortable memories that are extra hard for me now that all of my immediate family is gone. How can I continue to do what I want -- to lie low -- without offending them? -- Bowing Out, Detroit

DEAR BOWING OUT: Thank your family for always including you in their celebrations. Express how much you appreciate them thinking of you. Tell them that this year you will not be attending their events. You don’t have to explain why. You can simply decline their invitation -- graciously. Know that one day they may stop inviting you if you never go. Know, too, that getting out and being with family, even if they are a bustling one, may be good for you. You don’t have to like every aspect of the experience, but you may find joy in the camaraderie.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother is married to an opinionated big-mouth who never has a kind word to say to anybody. She frequently berates him and other members of our family. This behavior is disturbing to the entire family, especially to our mother.

My other brother is in prison on drug charges. Our family has suffered a great deal of pain because of his sentencing, but we have found strength in our unity and have remained supportive of him. My brother’s wife, however, never misses an opportunity to express her hatred for my brother in prison. She's completely insensitive to our feelings. I don't treat her like a sister-in-law because she does not behave like a member of the family.

I would like to write her off and never have any contact with her again, but I worry that it would upset my mother and brother, and they don't need any more problems.

Can you please advise me how to deal with my sister-in-law without starting a family feud? -- I've Had Enough, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR I’VE HAD ENOUGH: Speak to your sister-in-law separately, and ask her to be more considerate about your brother who is in prison. Tell her that her derogatory comments about your brother are hurtful and unnecessary. Be direct with her, and let her know that when she speaks unkindly about him, it hurts his mother’s feelings and creates unnecessary tension. Ask her to stop.

When she goes in with her barbs about him -- or anybody else, for that matter -- speak up and change the subject. You can even say, with a bit of humor mixed in to lighten the moment, ”OK, Delores (or whatever her name is), let it be, girl. Let’s move on.” Don’t let her keep control of the conversation. If you interrupt her enough, she should eventually stop.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm 39 years old, and I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for seven years. Not long after moving into the house I own, my girlfriend quit her job. She's been unemployed for more than five years now. We've had sex once in the last three years.

Even though I care about my girlfriend and want her to be OK, I've checked out mentally. I’ve expressed that things aren’t working between us. I don't want to just throw her out; she would be homeless. I've offered to help her out with some money, but she refuses. We’ve gone through this before, and eventually she asks me to give our relationship more time or pretends like we haven't broken up, forcing me to remind her of our split and crushing her. This is wearing me down. What can I do to help her get out on her own without being a jerk? -- The Breakup, Denver

DEAR THE BREAKUP: The more you avoid the end, the more difficult it will be. Talk to a lawyer to find out your legal rights in “evicting” your girlfriend. It isn’t always easy to do. Research social services that may help her to make the most comfortable transition. Armed with this information, give her a deadline for moving out -- and stick to it. Help her pack her things. When the date comes, offer to drive her to her new home. If she has nowhere, drive her to a local shelter. Yes, this may seem harsh, but it may be the only way to cut the cord.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My neighbors asked me to watch their dog while they went on vacation. It was supposed to be one dog, and another neighbor would also help. As the departure date neared, I learned that the other neighbor wouldn’t be helping, and I’d be watching both of their dogs, including a puppy that was not house-trained. The puppy had diarrhea the first four days they were gone. I had to go to their home four to five times a day for the seven days they were gone to walk the dogs all while tending to my three young children. Every time I went over, there was a mess. I spent $60 on cleaning supplies.

In hindsight, I realize my mistake was not getting payment arranged and in writing before they left. They brought back about $20 worth of gifts for my children, but it has been three months, and I’ve yet to see any other money for my time or expenses. My husband and I have given a few friendly reminders, but now we are both irritated. I feel disrespected and angry. What would be the best way to ask them to pay for my time and cleaning supplies? -- Doggy Care, Reisterstown, Maryland

DEAR DOGGY CARE: Submit a bill for reimbursement for all of the expenses that you incurred with a deadline for payment. If they do not pay within that timeframe, file a claim against them in small claims court. You need to wake them up to their responsibility. This should do it!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a huge problem. My fiance and I have been together for two years, and we’re getting married next June. The problem is my soon-to-be mother-in-law. She is a wonderful woman, and we get along very well; however, she insists on tagging along on our honeymoon! She keeps pushing the idea of making it a family trip. My fiance told her that the honeymoon is going to be just for us. He tried to tell her we all could go someplace together another time, but she got upset. She abruptly got off the phone with him, saying she was "only joking," but she'd work on me.

This is becoming a nightmare. She's normally a pleasant and reasonable person, and I like her a lot. I don't understand how she can't see this is a huge intrusion. Can you help? I don't want to have to change my honeymoon destination to accommodate the three of us. -- Leave Mom at Home, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR LEAVE MOM AT HOME: You and your fiance need to get on the same page about this and stay strong. Your mother-in-law absolutely should not go on your honeymoon. Period. She may be feeling that she’s about to lose her baby, which could be why she’s being unreasonable. It could be that, selfishly, she just wants a vacation and doesn’t imagine that one will come for her anytime soon. Whatever her reasons, don’t cave to her emotions. Remind her that you love her, and ask her to stand down.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In two months -- after a mandatory one-year separation -- my divorce will be final. During this past year, I finally told my best friend, the man I wanted to marry in the first place, how I feel about him. He responded with great joy and told me he has felt the same way about me for many years. We are extremely happy together. He loves spending time with me doing the same things I enjoy, which is the basis of our friendship. My relationship with him is the exact opposite of the one I had with my ex-husband.

My problem is that my ex wants to give me away at my next wedding. When I told him I wanted our 2-year-old to walk down the aisle with me, he said no because he wants to be the one to do it. Then he added that it's his "right" to give me away, since he's my husband. My fiance and I don't even want my ex to attend because we're afraid he will act a fool. He's angry with my fiance because he was the best man when my ex and I married.

I am considering allowing him to walk me down the aisle because our daughter might want him at the wedding -- even though he rarely sees her. I feel guilty not wanting my ex at the wedding, but I will finally be marrying the man I wish I'd married in the first place, and I want the day to be fun and happy. What do you think about my ex's demand? -- So Confused, Bronx, New York

DEAR SO CONFUSED: Your ex should NOT walk you down the aisle. Nor should he be invited to the wedding. Handle your business. Get divorced. Then plan your wedding. Keep the lines divided, even as you remain cordial to your ex. Because you have a child together, he will remain in your life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)