DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in my 60s now, and I have had a chance to look back on things. I realize that I often hold a grudge against people. The few people who I used to consider my best friends are no longer close to me. We fell out years ago for one reason or another, mainly because something happened and I could not forgive them. I realize now how judgmental I have been. Nobody’s perfect, but somehow I thought that people should be kind of perfect when it came to being my friend. So many years later, I wish I could get some of those friendships back. The people are still alive, but I don’t know what I could possibly say to open that door. Any ideas? -- Down Memory Lane, Kansas City, Kansas

DEAR DOWN MEMORY LANE: Don’t underestimate the power of your own apology and overture to reconnect. Reach out to each of your old friends in the spirit of making amends. State how much you miss the friend, what you appreciate the most about the relationship you once had and that you hope it isn’t too late to rekindle it. Be honest about how your reaction to whatever happened years ago, coupled with your inability to forgive, helped to create a divide for all these years. Acknowledge that you all are getting older and that you want to make the effort to reconnect with your friends. Ask each friend directly if it is possible for you to get together in the near future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: All my daughter’s friends are getting double or triple piercings these days. I know this has been a trend for some years now, but I feel like this is not what my daughter should be doing.

We got her ears pierced years ago when she was an infant, but she has not been successful at wearing earrings without irritation up until this year. She recently has been wearing gold hoops, and she hasn’t had problems. I’m talking just a few weeks of wearing the hoops, though. I don’t think it’s wise for us to add piercings to her ears so soon. I think we should first determine if she can regularly wear earrings in the holes she has. I have expressed this to my young teenager, but she thinks I am being mean. What do you recommend? -- Protecting My Teen, Los Angeles

DEAR PROTECTING MY TEEN: You know your daughter’s medical history, and it is your job to reinforce what you know. You can also enlist the medical advice of your daughter’s pediatrician or even a dermatologist. Find out what the doctor’s recommendation is so you can share that with your daughter.

Beyond the practical, be prepared to talk to your daughter about peer pressure and how to make personal decisions that may be different from her friends’ choices. This is one of the toughest lessons to learn, but it is critical for your daughter so she can assess personally when the group choice should not be her choice. Your job is to help her to learn how to discern the difference.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have lived in my house for more than 20 years, and a whole lot more comes in than goes out. I try to sort through stuff and get organized, but it hasn’t worked out so well. My cousin called recently to ask if she could stay with me for the weekend. I want to see her, but I cannot invite her to stay with me. My place is a mess. There is nowhere for her to stay. Plus, it would be too much for me to even talk about. I’m sure it will hurt her feelings that I am telling her she can’t stay with me. I don’t want to explain it to her, but there’s no way she can cross this threshold. How should I handle this? -- Hoarder Patrol, Queens, New York

DEAR HOARDER PATROL: In the short term, tell your cousin it’s not convenient for her to stay with you now, but you would love to see her. Schedule a time to get together and enjoy each other’s company. If she presses you about staying at your home or visiting, stand your ground. You do not have to get into a conversation with her about your home.

Most important, get some help. If you are a hoarder, chances are that you need professional support in order to be able to get a fresh start. Instead of feeling ashamed, take action. Contact a local service that helps people clean out their spaces and create order. Because you don’t know these people, it may be easier to allow them into your home. They have the expertise to get rid of what is not serving you and to keep whatever can still be of use. This is not an easy process, but if you can go through with it, you may be able to liberate yourself from the isolated life you have built up over the years. Some resources to consider: clutterfreeservice.com, nynjhoarding.com and greenexcleanouts.com. Know that it can be helpful to tell a loved one what’s going on and that you need help. Select someone you trust to be your sounding board and support through this difficult process of purging.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Whenever I see my sister, she claims some wardrobe item I’m wearing. I’m not kidding you. If I’m wearing a scarf, she admires it and then badgers me until she guilts me into giving it to her. Sometimes it’s cute, but other times I really don’t want to hand over my possessions. My sister has a good job and plenty of money to buy what she wants, yet she consistently feels like she must have something of mine. How can I wean her off this habit? I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but her demands are overbearing. -- Not Your Stuff, Pittsburgh

DEAR NOT YOUR STUFF: Your sister is longing to be close to you. Requesting your possessions is her way of doing this. To get her to stop, be counterintuitive. Spend more time with her. Pay attention to her and her interests more. Ask if you can have something of hers. She may relish the notion that you like her things. Over time, you can begin to say “no” when she tries to take your belongings.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: It is that time of year again when we pause to give thanks for all of the blessings in our lives. For me, Thanksgiving is always a highlight because it was at this time of year that my daughter was born. In fact, that first year we had Thanksgiving dinner in the hospital. For me as well as so many people across our country, Thanksgiving is a time for family. Many people travel for thousands of miles to be face to face with the ones they love. We break bread, reminisce and otherwise invoke blessings for the gifts we have received and the challenges we have overcome since we were last together.

I appreciate the spirit of Thanksgiving that we collectively choose to engage. A friend recently told me about a Tony Robbins talk he had seen where Robbins challenged everyone to stay positive for seven consecutive days. I love this idea. It requires consciously choosing to see goodness in each moment and not allowing negativity to seep into your mind, words or actions. This is definitely not an easy exercise, but imagine how the quality of your life could change if you stopped yourself whenever a destructive, critical thought entered your mind.

Instead of talking about other people or otherwise deflecting from what’s going on in your life by criticizing others, stay focused on what you need to do. Make the choice to see whatever good is before you. This includes when you are facing something that is frustrating or unfair, difficult or annoying. Ask yourself what you can learn from the situation before you. When you look for wisdom in even the most challenging situation, you can extract goodness from it. You can find the lesson and offer your gratitude for what you learn. This is how you can turn a negative into a positive.

Choosing the positive does not mean you ignore the negative people, places or things that may be impacting your life. Instead, look at them with open eyes, without preconceived ideas about what they mean. You examine them wholeheartedly so you can learn and grow.

With people, particularly at this holiday time of respite, practice seeing the good in your family and in the moment. Build parameters around your interactions with people so you give yourself enough alone time that you can be refreshed when you need to offer compassion, attention and caring for others. Striking a balance between caring for yourself and being thoughtful around others is important. If you do not give yourself enough personal nurturing time, your intention of living in the positive will backfire.

The good news is that you have an opportunity to approach your life in a revolutionary way. Be pleasant. If family members try to test you, don’t get caught in their trap. Instead, look past their complaints to something good about them. You can change the subject when they start critical talk. Ask them about something that they are positively passionate about, like their children, work or a hobby. Sometimes you may have to ask them to stop talking about people. When that occurs, sweeten your request by saying you would much rather hear about something great that’s happening in their lives. Keep changing the subject until you both are happily on the same page. It works!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)