DEAR HARRIETTE: I have lived in my house for more than 20 years, and a whole lot more comes in than goes out. I try to sort through stuff and get organized, but it hasn’t worked out so well. My cousin called recently to ask if she could stay with me for the weekend. I want to see her, but I cannot invite her to stay with me. My place is a mess. There is nowhere for her to stay. Plus, it would be too much for me to even talk about. I’m sure it will hurt her feelings that I am telling her she can’t stay with me. I don’t want to explain it to her, but there’s no way she can cross this threshold. How should I handle this? -- Hoarder Patrol, Queens, New York

DEAR HOARDER PATROL: In the short term, tell your cousin it’s not convenient for her to stay with you now, but you would love to see her. Schedule a time to get together and enjoy each other’s company. If she presses you about staying at your home or visiting, stand your ground. You do not have to get into a conversation with her about your home.

Most important, get some help. If you are a hoarder, chances are that you need professional support in order to be able to get a fresh start. Instead of feeling ashamed, take action. Contact a local service that helps people clean out their spaces and create order. Because you don’t know these people, it may be easier to allow them into your home. They have the expertise to get rid of what is not serving you and to keep whatever can still be of use. This is not an easy process, but if you can go through with it, you may be able to liberate yourself from the isolated life you have built up over the years. Some resources to consider: clutterfreeservice.com, nynjhoarding.com and greenexcleanouts.com. Know that it can be helpful to tell a loved one what’s going on and that you need help. Select someone you trust to be your sounding board and support through this difficult process of purging.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Whenever I see my sister, she claims some wardrobe item I’m wearing. I’m not kidding you. If I’m wearing a scarf, she admires it and then badgers me until she guilts me into giving it to her. Sometimes it’s cute, but other times I really don’t want to hand over my possessions. My sister has a good job and plenty of money to buy what she wants, yet she consistently feels like she must have something of mine. How can I wean her off this habit? I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but her demands are overbearing. -- Not Your Stuff, Pittsburgh

DEAR NOT YOUR STUFF: Your sister is longing to be close to you. Requesting your possessions is her way of doing this. To get her to stop, be counterintuitive. Spend more time with her. Pay attention to her and her interests more. Ask if you can have something of hers. She may relish the notion that you like her things. Over time, you can begin to say “no” when she tries to take your belongings.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: It is that time of year again when we pause to give thanks for all of the blessings in our lives. For me, Thanksgiving is always a highlight because it was at this time of year that my daughter was born. In fact, that first year we had Thanksgiving dinner in the hospital. For me as well as so many people across our country, Thanksgiving is a time for family. Many people travel for thousands of miles to be face to face with the ones they love. We break bread, reminisce and otherwise invoke blessings for the gifts we have received and the challenges we have overcome since we were last together.

I appreciate the spirit of Thanksgiving that we collectively choose to engage. A friend recently told me about a Tony Robbins talk he had seen where Robbins challenged everyone to stay positive for seven consecutive days. I love this idea. It requires consciously choosing to see goodness in each moment and not allowing negativity to seep into your mind, words or actions. This is definitely not an easy exercise, but imagine how the quality of your life could change if you stopped yourself whenever a destructive, critical thought entered your mind.

Instead of talking about other people or otherwise deflecting from what’s going on in your life by criticizing others, stay focused on what you need to do. Make the choice to see whatever good is before you. This includes when you are facing something that is frustrating or unfair, difficult or annoying. Ask yourself what you can learn from the situation before you. When you look for wisdom in even the most challenging situation, you can extract goodness from it. You can find the lesson and offer your gratitude for what you learn. This is how you can turn a negative into a positive.

Choosing the positive does not mean you ignore the negative people, places or things that may be impacting your life. Instead, look at them with open eyes, without preconceived ideas about what they mean. You examine them wholeheartedly so you can learn and grow.

With people, particularly at this holiday time of respite, practice seeing the good in your family and in the moment. Build parameters around your interactions with people so you give yourself enough alone time that you can be refreshed when you need to offer compassion, attention and caring for others. Striking a balance between caring for yourself and being thoughtful around others is important. If you do not give yourself enough personal nurturing time, your intention of living in the positive will backfire.

The good news is that you have an opportunity to approach your life in a revolutionary way. Be pleasant. If family members try to test you, don’t get caught in their trap. Instead, look past their complaints to something good about them. You can change the subject when they start critical talk. Ask them about something that they are positively passionate about, like their children, work or a hobby. Sometimes you may have to ask them to stop talking about people. When that occurs, sweeten your request by saying you would much rather hear about something great that’s happening in their lives. Keep changing the subject until you both are happily on the same page. It works!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been binge-watching TV series for a few seasons now. I feel so embarrassed, but it really is addictive. Because of the way programming is offered now, binge-watching has become a trend. I hate to say it, but I sometimes choose to watch these shows rather than going to work on time or doing my chores. My family thinks I’ve gone loco. Even so, it’s hard to turn it off. What advice do you have for me? -- On a Loop, Santa Fe, New Mexico

DEAR ON A LOOP: Just because something is a trend doesn’t make it good for you, which is something you have learned with the experience of binge-watching TV. This trend has blossomed so quickly and broadly that media outlets write about it all the time as if it’s a great thing. As you are experiencing, anything that takes on the behavior of an addiction is not great. Instead, it represents being out of control.

What you must grasp is that you can regain control. Start by evaluating the quality of your life right now, including listing what you value the most. By writing down each person, relationship, goal and responsibility, you will see right before your eyes which items measure higher than your current favorite TV program.

Separately, list the things that stand in your way. This could be anything from the binge-watching to what you eat, drink and pay attention to that is distracting. Compare the two lists. Just reviewing these two topics should help you reconsider how you spend your time. Give yourself parameters for when you are allowed to turn on any device that will show your favorite programs. Don’t turn any of them on outside that time frame. Give yourself a specific window after work hours when you can indulge in your favorite pastime. Turn it off when the time is up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have almost a dozen black-tie events to attend this holiday season. I have a new job, and it requires me to go out a lot. What it doesn’t offer is a wardrobe budget. I can’t afford to buy fancy dresses every other week. It’s crazy. How can I go to these functions and show that I know how to do my job without going completely broke? -- Cinderella, Bethesda, Maryland

DEAR CINDERELLA: You are in luck! Today there are a number of retail establishments that offer rental options for all styles of clothing, including eveningwear. Many will mail dresses to you in several sizes for a week’s fee, which is much lower than the cost of the dress. In this way you can rent a dress and return it, giving you more budget to rent for the whole season. Some reputable sites include renttherunway.com, gwynniebee.com (for plus-size fashions) and couturecollective.com. Look online yourself. There are lots of choices, both local and national, that can help you look great without spending too much money.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)