DEAR HARRIETTE: I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner at my home for the first time. It was always celebrated at my mom’s house, but she passed away last year, and it naturally fell to me. I am happy to host this event, but I do have one problem. I have two cousins who have always been difficult. They come around during the holidays, constantly freeloading without bringing anything to add to the meal -- while everybody else brings something. Not only do they want whatever we are serving, but they also criticize everything. They are rude and disrespectful.

I don’t want to invite them, but my siblings think this would be impolite. I don’t want that negativity in my home with the family. What can I do or say to gain control over this very special gathering of my family? -- New Traditions, Salem, Massachusetts

DEAR NEW TRADITIONS: Give them a chance this year. Contact them by phone and extend a personal invitation. Tell them that everyone is bringing a dish, and ask what they will bring. You may want to recommend something specific so it is easy for them to accept the invitation. Be clear with them and get a commitment. You can also let them know that everyone is sensitive now that your mother has passed away. Tell them that you are requesting that everybody make the commitment to be positive while you are together. Give them fair warning that you will jump in and change the subject if anyone starts complaining or criticizing. Your intention is to create a positive environment where everyone feels supported.

If you get pushback from your cousins about your intentions, remind them that in the past there have been uncomfortable moments thanks to their critical attitude. Make it clear you do not want them to bring that energy into your home. Yes, this is strong, but it may help the whole family to turn the corner.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have a timeshare. This holiday season we plan on going to Mexico, and we want to invite a couple that has become close to us in recent years. It won’t cost them anything to stay with us. They will just have to pay for their airfare and have money for food and sightseeing. We have no idea whether they have passports, let alone whether they would want to or be able to afford such a trip. We don’t want to put them in an awkward position, but we do want to invite them. How can we extend the invitation so they are comfortable with whatever decision they make? -- Making the Invitation, Detroit

DEAR MAKING THE INVITATION: Stop worrying about the outcome. Just make the invitation. Tell your friends how much you enjoy spending time with them. Explain that you know it may be a long shot, but you wanted to invite them to spend some time during the holidays with you at your timeshare. Outline the details and costs, and ask them to consider joining you. Point out that you know it may be inconvenient because of the busy holiday season, but you wanted to ask.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a black-tie dinner the other night that had beautiful centerpieces. The hostess announced from the stage that guests were invited to take the centerpieces home. I decided to take her up on it. Well, I went to reach for the flowers at the same time as another person at my table. It was awkward, but eventually I stood down and the other woman got it. I felt horrible. I wouldn’t have even considered taking the flowers if the hostess hadn’t suggested it. What went wrong? Is it common for centerpieces to be given away at these events? -- Dinner Protocol, Denver

DEAR DINNER PROTOCOL: Sometimes centerpieces are given away at formal events. Yes, the host or hostess should be the one to announce this. Usually, the way it is handled is that there is a card or some other identifier under a particular person’s plate that indicates who will receive it -- to avoid exactly what happened to you -- the scramble for who will get it. Your hostess skipped a key step in keeping the event elegant and organized.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been good friends with my high school boyfriend for my whole life. I am now in my late 40s, and we still check in with each other from time to time. He is married with a couple of kids. I am now engaged. We have always been respectful of each other’s lives, even as we have stayed close.

My fiance doesn’t like this setup. He thinks I should have no male friends other than him. He says nothing good can come of these kinds of friendships. I beg to differ. We have been very close for something like 30 years. Do I have to give up this friendship in order to marry my fiance? -- Hate to Choose, Milwaukee

DEAR HATE TO CHOOSE: Why not get your fiance and your ex and his wife together? Plan a meal where everyone can get together and get to know each other a bit. This may help to defuse any concerns your fiance has. You should also inquire as to why your fiance feels it is impossible for such a friendship to last. He may have had bad experiences in the past that have left him suspicious.

In the end, you two will need to decide together what types of friendships you will carry forward as you build a life together. This is no small issue. The people who figure prominently in your life are important. Relationships that have lasted for decades should be taken very seriously. Before shrugging off any important friendship, you should evaluate whether you think walking away is a smart decision.

Talk with your fiance about his expectations of friendships after you marry. Learn about his values regarding family, friends (of both genders), work and childrearing. Go through everything you can think of to see if the two of you see eye to eye on core values. Couples who do not go through this exercise often end up getting surprised by belief systems and values that don’t mesh long after they have walked down the aisle.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel very sad and hopeless. I have felt like this for quite some time. I try counting my blessings, something my mother taught me when I was a child. It isn’t working. I have been unemployed for three years. I was a high-paid account executive in the fashion industry, and I was responsible and good at my job. Now I am told I am overqualified or just not right for every job I interview for. I think ageism could be part of it. Even though I am in great shape and look good for my age, I’m still in my 50s. I’m competing with 20-year-olds. I have two children and a husband, and I’m not contributing to our bottom line anymore.

Sometimes I feel like they would be better off if I were dead. I have a healthy life insurance policy that could take care of all of the family’s financial woes. I know that sounds crazy, but I’m feeling desperate. Before you tell me to get a shrink, don’t bother. I can’t afford it. What else can I do to get out of this dark hole? -- Sinking Fast, Brooklyn

DEAR SINKING FAST: The longer a person is out of work, the more devastating it can feel. Plus, that makes it much harder to find another job. It is understandable that you would feel sad about your situation. What is happening a lot for people who are out of work for extended periods of time is that they begin looking outside of their former industry. Consider looking more broadly to see if you can find any kind of job, even part-time work that might help you support your family. You might consider going through AARP’s Life Reimagined, which is a free program designed to help people look at their lives moving forward in order to plot out their course. It is an uplifting curriculum that may benefit you.

As far as suicidal thoughts go, you can get immediate, free support at any time by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Get the help you need so you can see clear to a brighter side of this tough situation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was recently diagnosed with a serious health condition. I am a private person, and I don’t want to tell anyone about it. I will be visiting family at Thanksgiving, and typically they ask a thousand questions. They love talking about their ailments -- the young ones as well as the older people. I hate that. I don’t want to lie, but I feel like I should be able to maintain my privacy about my health situation. How can I deflect prying questions, because I know they are coming? -- None of Your Business, Detroit

DEAR NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS: Getting together with family does not require a "true confessions" moment. You have the right to your privacy, even if your family doesn’t like that. When asked how you are doing, say that you are doing fine and then talk about some aspect of your life you feel good about. This could be about work, your home or your friendships. Pick something that they will find interesting and that will deflect from your health.

You may want to consider who can be a confidant. Since you are facing a health challenge, it might be necessary choose one family member whom you trust to share your news with.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)