DEAR HARRIETTE: I need to get a baby sitter for my son. I am going back to work, and he is too young for school.

The other moms I know have hired women who are good at child care but are paid off the books. All these women I’ve met are undocumented, which seems to be the trend here. From wealthy moms to those who are struggling, they all seem to hire in this way.

I’m afraid if I hire someone who is undocumented, I could get in trouble down the line. When I researched the on-the-books nannies, the prices were sky high. I’m not sure what to do. None of my friends have been caught. Do you think that is just the way it is now? -- Find a Nanny, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR FIND A NANNY: It is true that many mothers/families in New York City -- as well as other parts of the country -- employ undocumented workers to care for their children. This is not a new phenomenon; it is part of the ecosystem of the United States’ economy, believe it or not. But that doesn’t make it legal. There are many manual labor jobs, as well as home-care jobs, that are filled each year by people who are trying to get a leg up and pursue the American dream. And many of those people are living in the shadows.

In New York City some public officials have lost their jobs due to hiring undocumented nannies or hiring people for whom they did not pay taxes. It is illegal to hire someone and not contribute payroll taxes to the government.

You should hire a person who is filing with the IRS and paying taxes. There are undocumented workers who are on the road to legal status who do have legal identification and are law-abiding taxpayers. They would be the safest hires within that category, whereas documented immigrants (those with employment visas or green cards) or American citizens are best.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It’s not even Halloween yet, and my kids are already telling me what they want for Christmas. That’s because the kids’ channels they watch are cluttered with toy commercials. I hate it because I do not want them to think we are materialistic. I was taught to think of Christmas as a time to give to others and to spread joy, not to chalk up how much loot I collected. How can I teach this to my kids if they are inundated by commercial pleas to have their parents buy them things? -- In the Spirit, Cincinnati

DEAR IN THE SPIRIT: Your job is to teach your children your values. One way to do this is to limit their exposure to television. The fewer commercials they see, the less their longing will be for something they may not even want. Give them guidance on how you approach gifts during the holidays. Can they request one main gift? What are the boundaries of their wish lists? Tell them, and set their expectations for what they will receive and for what you expect them to give. By changing the conversation, you help to balance what they are seeing from outside sources and what you believe.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I need to provide a photo to an organization I’m joining, and I don’t know what to do. I am a woman of a certain age, and I much prefer my older pictures when I looked young and vibrant. I’m a professional woman, and I have worked very hard to achieve many goals, which didn’t leave too much time for glam or exercise. I’m about 40 pounds overweight. I look OK, but I don’t love the recent photos of me. The only professional photos I have are about 10 years old. I suppose I could wait for a few days and get another photo taken, but I fear I will hate capturing myself as I look today. Can I use an old photo of me for this organization? -- Reflection, Chicago

DEAR REFLECTION: I totally understand why you would be inclined to use an old photo, but I want to discourage you. This is because when people meet you, it is best for them to meet in person the same face they saw in a photo. If you look significantly different, that first interaction can be awkward. You should get a professional photo taken. You can ask the photographer to lightly retouch the photo to take away major blemishes while keeping your image consistent with who you are.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just found an old journal and read a bit of it, and it disturbed me a lot. The journal was from about 15 years ago. What I was writing about then, my troubles, seemed like exactly what I’m going through today. Even though I have spent a big part of my life believing that I was working on improving myself and working on particular personality traits or behaviors in order to get better, when I read this journal I felt like such a loser. So much time has passed, and I still suffer from the same stuff. Is it even worth it to try to be a better person? It’s not that there’s anything horrible about me, but the little stuff adds up. What can I do? -- Stuck, Baltimore

DEAR STUCK: You are not alone. Most people live with their demons or flaws or personality quirks their whole lives. That doesn’t mean you should give up on aspects of your behavior you do not like, though. Consider finding that old journal as a wake-up call.

You have more work to do to improve on aspects of your personality, and you can get to work on these things right now. Write down the things you want to address, and then strategically figure out what to do. In some instances, you may want to seek professional help so experts can support your development. What you want to avoid is pretending you have no options. You do!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 80-year-old father lives in a retirement community. He likes it a lot and seems to be thriving since he moved there last year. My mother died two years ago, and my father needed to be around others.

He recently called to tell me he has a girlfriend. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Obviously my mother is gone, but it hasn’t been that long. Am I wrong for wishing that he would wait? He was married for more than 50 years. I don’t understand how he could look at another woman romantically after having devoted his whole life to my mother. It is hard for me to be happy for him. What can I do to fix my attitude? My father wants my blessing, and so far I have not given it. -- Not My Mom, Cincinnati

DEAR NOT MY MOM: You are being unreasonably harsh on your father. Two years have passed since your mother died, and your father has mourned. Now he wants some joy in the life he is living. He cannot bring back or replace your mother, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be allowed a chance at sharing moments with another woman. By all means, give him your blessing. So many older people have no one to love. That there is a woman who fancies him and whom he likes could be wonderful. It doesn’t mean he will forget your mother. What it does mean is that he is choosing to live in the moment. You should too.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a new friend who inspires me a lot. She is married with children, like me, but somehow she makes time for her girlfriends. She has a core group of friends who are her ride-or-die friends. They see each other regularly -- and she also spends time with her family. The difference between us is she works part time and I work full time. I have a couple of friends I rarely see. I wish I could be more like her. Any suggestions? -- Friend Connect, Dallas

DEAR FRIEND CONNECT: Your friend is a gregarious woman who has figured out how to incorporate many people into her life with ease. That is a gift not everyone has. You should pay attention to how she organizes her time to see if you can glean clues you can use. Don’t diminish her part-time work schedule as being a help. When you work full time, it allows you a lot less time for socializing. Give yourself a bit of a break.

Now, what can you do to expand your friend connections while taking care of your family? Organize at-home activities where you invite your friends to join you where you already are. You can also choose one evening a month when you go out with your friends. Just as you make time for your friends, do the same thing with your husband and children. Schedule time for connections so you take nothing for granted.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)