life

Managing Expectations Important in Business

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 4th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have rekindled a business relationship that began some 20 years ago. My business partner was excellent back in the day, and I’m excited about the possibility of working with him again now. My concern is that last time we worked very hard on an idea that never really went far. We pitched it to all the right places, but it fell flat.

Now we are tweaking an idea and believe the market will be better for us this time around, but what if it isn’t? I don’t want to waste this man’s time or my own. Do you think we should go for it and see if we can create a moneymaking opportunity? I want to manage expectations. -- Being Realistic, Westchester, New York

DEAR BEING REALISTIC: Before you start down the road of working together, have a frank conversation about the past and the future. Outline what your business relationship will be and clarify expectations on both sides. Acknowledge that neither of you can predict the future. Be sure you both agree that the project you are exploring is worth the effort. Along the way, check in with each other regularly to ensure you are comfortable with the work being done and the results being achieved. Decide on deadlines and clear markers for success or evaluation. As long as you communicate clearly and honestly, you should be OK.

MoneyFriends & NeighborsWork & School
life

Teens Without Boundaries Grow Lazy

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 4th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two teenage children, and I’m worried that I have spoiled them too much. At this age I feel like they should help more around the house, including doing their own laundry and making their beds. I know they have schoolwork to do and the workload is intense, but I see them slacking a lot. For example, when I remind them to wash a load of clothes, they often put it off and then forget while, meantime, I can hear them gabbing on the phone to friends or see them texting away. I don’t want to become a police officer at home, but I don’t know how to get them to take on household responsibilities without threatening to take away their privileges. -- Do Your Chores, Akron, Ohio

DEAR DO YOUR CHORES: Consequences are essential for teens -- and adults, for that matter -- when you want to reinforce rules. Take your children’s phones and other devices away from them until they have completed whatever homework and housework assignments they have. Let them fuss about it. Point out that the sooner they fulfill their responsibilities, the quicker they will have their freedoms. Place a basket at the front door, or in your bedroom if needed, where they can put their phones. Make it clear you are in charge of their release.

Pay close attention to your children’s homework and school assignments. Require them to show you their tests and homework scores. Follow up with their teachers whenever you are concerned about their performance. If you remain vigilant, you can help them to remember the importance of doing their work well and on time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Work & SchoolFamily & ParentingTeens
life

Elderly Cousin Reaches Out

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 3rd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an older cousin who has always been very kind to my siblings and me. She is an only child, and now that she is getting up in age I’m noticing she is pushing to get closer to us. She texts me periodically and has asked that I visit with her every time I come to town. At first, I thought of her request as an imposition. When I come home, I head straight to see my mother. Mom is the priority. Because two of my siblings help to care for my mom, I see them as well.

I was thinking about this the other day, and it occurred to me this cousin doesn’t have her mother anymore -- or anybody else. She’s a senior citizen, and who knows how long she will be around? I want to be more inclusive, but I don’t want to promise something I may not be able to deliver. How should I manage my relationship with my cousin? Sometimes I don’t want to widen the circle. -- Keeping it Close, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR KEEPING IT CLOSE: Family is important. It’s good you are thinking about your cousin and how to incorporate her more in your life. What you may want to do is begin to communicate with her when you are not in town. Call her from time to time. Check to see how she’s doing and share highlights of your life. If you both have smartphones, consider using FaceTime or Skype, so you can see each other. Whenever you can, make time to see your cousin when you come to town. She knows your mother is your priority. Maybe you and your siblings can organize a family meal when you are in town so there’s a central location for everyone to come together.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Friend's Troubled Past Causes Concern

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 3rd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My neighbor, who has become a friend, was incarcerated a few years ago for a white-collar crime. She did her time and is now living her life. She is very kind to me and would do anything she can to support me. She can be a little rough around the edges in the way she communicates, but so what? She’s loyal.

The problem is one of my business colleagues learned this woman and I are friends, thanks to social media, and she confronted me about it. She said it was bad for my reputation to be friendly with someone who has been in jail. How do I manage this situation? -- Dredging Up the Past, Denver

DEAR DREDGING UP THE PAST: Do your research to be clear about what crime your friend committed and how it was resolved. If you feel comfortable about where she is now and the substance of your relationship, maintain your friendship. You can say to anyone who challenges you that she has done her time and, as far as you are concerned, she is a good friend. For business purposes, whether her reputation can affect yours depends on what field you are in. It is possible.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Work & SchoolFriends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Teen Daughter Pretends to Be in Control

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 2nd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 14-year-old daughter was hanging out with her girlfriend at home, and they were supposed to be doing homework. When I went in the room and asked what they were doing, I got a lot of nothing in terms of an answer, followed by the admission that they were about to watch Netflix. My daughter knows what she was asked to do. In front of her friend she tried to act like it was annoying for me to ask her questions about her homework. I did not press the issue more than to say that if they weren’t doing homework in the next few minutes, the visit would be over. I know my daughter was trying to act as though she’s in control. She is not. How can I reinforce our house rules without embarrassing her? -- Out of Bounds, Pittsburgh

DEAR OUT OF BOUNDS: It’s good strategy on your part to give her some wiggle room to save face with her friend, at least this time. A teenager’s job is to jockey for independence, which usually includes pushing back against whatever a parent has to say. To the extent that you can keep your disciplining private, you may have better results with your daughter.

When alone, reinforce what your expectations are of your daughter, including the tone of voice she uses to communicate with you and the timeliness of her responses. Make it clear that if she does not adhere to your rule of putting homework first, she will lose the privilege of hanging out with her friends.

TeensFamily & ParentingWork & School
life

Aging Father Develops Negative Attitude

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 2nd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father is getting up in age and has become crotchety. It feels like everything is a problem for him, and he can’t resist complaining whenever any topic comes up. It’s almost like he’s complaining for sport. I like to be peaceful -- and always have. I don’t appreciate having to be on the defensive whenever I talk to him. What can I do or say to get him to let up on the negative chatter? -- Over the Hill, Boston

DEAR OVER THE HILL: Now is the time to use your powers of patience to support your father and yourself. It will be great if you can ignore your father when he slips into nonstop complaining. Let him talk and tune him out -- his complaints, at least -- to the best of your ability. When you feel you have had enough, change the subject. Interrupt your father and tell him a story. Make one up if you need to. Recall a fairy tale or something that is vividly descriptive and will capture his imagination.

Keep the stories going by offering to read them to him when you visit. Choose fairy tales, dramas, mysteries --stories with enough simple intrigue that they hold his attention.

As people get older, they often respond to the very things that captivate children. Use stories and other activities, such as walks in the park, trips to the museum or bowling to get his mind on something interesting. Sign him up for elder day care if you have a center near his home. Being involved in outside activities may help to stimulate his mind toward positive thoughts.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsMental HealthFamily & Parenting

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