DEAR HARRIETTE: My 14-year-old daughter was hanging out with her girlfriend at home, and they were supposed to be doing homework. When I went in the room and asked what they were doing, I got a lot of nothing in terms of an answer, followed by the admission that they were about to watch Netflix. My daughter knows what she was asked to do. In front of her friend she tried to act like it was annoying for me to ask her questions about her homework. I did not press the issue more than to say that if they weren’t doing homework in the next few minutes, the visit would be over. I know my daughter was trying to act as though she’s in control. She is not. How can I reinforce our house rules without embarrassing her? -- Out of Bounds, Pittsburgh

DEAR OUT OF BOUNDS: It’s good strategy on your part to give her some wiggle room to save face with her friend, at least this time. A teenager’s job is to jockey for independence, which usually includes pushing back against whatever a parent has to say. To the extent that you can keep your disciplining private, you may have better results with your daughter.

When alone, reinforce what your expectations are of your daughter, including the tone of voice she uses to communicate with you and the timeliness of her responses. Make it clear that if she does not adhere to your rule of putting homework first, she will lose the privilege of hanging out with her friends.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father is getting up in age and has become crotchety. It feels like everything is a problem for him, and he can’t resist complaining whenever any topic comes up. It’s almost like he’s complaining for sport. I like to be peaceful -- and always have. I don’t appreciate having to be on the defensive whenever I talk to him. What can I do or say to get him to let up on the negative chatter? -- Over the Hill, Boston

DEAR OVER THE HILL: Now is the time to use your powers of patience to support your father and yourself. It will be great if you can ignore your father when he slips into nonstop complaining. Let him talk and tune him out -- his complaints, at least -- to the best of your ability. When you feel you have had enough, change the subject. Interrupt your father and tell him a story. Make one up if you need to. Recall a fairy tale or something that is vividly descriptive and will capture his imagination.

Keep the stories going by offering to read them to him when you visit. Choose fairy tales, dramas, mysteries --stories with enough simple intrigue that they hold his attention.

As people get older, they often respond to the very things that captivate children. Use stories and other activities, such as walks in the park, trips to the museum or bowling to get his mind on something interesting. Sign him up for elder day care if you have a center near his home. Being involved in outside activities may help to stimulate his mind toward positive thoughts.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is a sophomore in college. She has had a boyfriend for the past two years. He sounds like a nice young man. My daughter has asked if she can bring him home for Thanksgiving. I like the idea, as it will give us a chance to meet him and get to know him. My concern is the ground rules.

Call my husband and me old-fashioned, but we do not believe my daughter should sleep in the same room as her boyfriend until they are married, no matter what they do when they are on their own. I don’t want to discourage her from inviting her boyfriend to visit, but I do need to make sure she is willing to follow the rules. At the same time, I don’t want her to think I am treating her like a baby. What should I say? -- Old School, Baltimore

DEAR OLD SCHOOL: Do not feel embarrassed about wanting to enforce your house rules. You have every right to expect your daughter to remember how you taught her to behave and to adhere to those expectations. Call her and tell her how excited you and your husband are for her and her boyfriend to visit. Give her a sense of any scheduled activities that you would like for them to attend. Then tell her where she will sleep and where her boyfriend will sleep. If she tries to resist, remind her that you and your husband do not condone sleeping together before marriage.

Be practical as well. Your daughter may not be as traditional in her values as you are. Whenever you can, have her tell you about her relationship, what she values and what she hopes for with this young man. When they are with you, be supportive and attentive. You don’t have to relax your rules, but you do need to listen carefully in order to best guide your daughter through this time of exploration and growing maturity.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter and her husband live in London. I am so worried about them. There have been multiple terrorist attacks there in the past couple of years, and I feel helpless as a parent. I want to protect my daughter, but she is so far away. Whenever something happens, I call and can’t always reach her because of the time difference. I have asked her to create an emergency plan with my wife and me so we know how to reach each other when bad things happen. My daughter thinks I’m being overbearing. How can I present this idea to her so she will reconsider? -- Plan in Place, Portland, Oregon

DEAR PLAN IN PLACE: It is understandable that you would be worried. You are not alone. One way to get your daughter to think more broadly is to include the safety of you and your wife in the scenario. It’s not just that you want to know that she and her husband are OK; you also want her to be able to check in on you. Distance does not have to mean disconnection. Why don’t you work up an emergency plan that you present to your daughter for consideration? Make sure it features arrangements for both sides of the pond.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a fancy restaurant with a group of friends the other night. We had never been there before, but we had heard the food is great. As we enjoyed our meal, I noticed from my peripheral vision that the husband of one of my colleagues was at the restaurant. He was definitely with another woman. At one point, we saw each other, and I spoke to him. It was extremely awkward. The way he was behaving with this dining partner seemed romantic to me, but I know he is living with his wife and kids.

I know this is none of my business, but I feel like I would want to be told if the shoe were on the other foot. Do I tell my colleague I saw her husband? If so, how much of what I observed should I say? -- Caught, Seattle

DEAR CAUGHT: This is tricky. Often when couples are experiencing the stress of one spouse cheating, the other is in denial about it, and there’s very little anyone can do or say to open their eyes. You should not try to convince her of anything. If you want to tell her you saw her husband, keep it simple. Tell her you went to the particular restaurant in question with your friends and noticed her husband was there. You two spoke, and that was it. If she asks who he was with, you can describe his dinner partner, but do not go into detail about the behavior you observed. Let it be enough that you tell her you saw him dining with a woman. She will have to take it from here.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to the 50th birthday party of an industry friend. I like him a lot and want to go to the dance party. The invitation says it is only for me, but I’m married, and this friend knows my husband. Do you think it’s OK for me to contact him to see if I can bring my husband? While I do go to work events in the evening by myself sometimes, this doesn’t feel like that kind of party. It’s on a Sunday, and I want my husband to enjoy it with me. I also don’t want to put too much pressure on the birthday boy. How should I handle this? -- Plus-One, Denver

DEAR PLUS-ONE: It is perfectly appropriate for you to ask your friend if you can bring your husband. Creating a non-transferrable invitation is common these days, in part because it is so easy to share information electronically. The host wants to limit and control his guest list, which makes sense. Many of his friends may be single too, making it less of an issue to come solo. As a married woman, you have every right to ask if you can bring your husband. In all likelihood, he will say yes.