life

Reader Wants to Connect With Ailing Grandfather

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 4th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went home for a family reunion last month, and it was so much fun. The one thing that was hard was seeing my grandfather. He is so frail. I hardly ever talk to him, and now I realize that he probably won’t be alive much longer. I want to be closer to him during the time he has left. Practically speaking, we live far from each other and he’s hard of hearing, so it doesn’t work well to talk on the phone for more than a couple of minutes. What can I do to let him know how much I love him and to stay in touch? -- Coming Together, Chicago

DEAR COMING TOGETHER: If you took pictures during the reunion, send a few to your grandfather with a handwritten note telling him how much you enjoyed being together and how much you love him. Call him once a week to check in. Make the call brief. Speak up. Make sure he knows it is you. Tell him one good thing about you and your life that he can hold onto and brag about. Older people love to tell stories about their families.

Additionally, make the commitment to visit your grandfather more frequently. If possible, go home once a quarter during this tender time. If you can do it, you and your grandfather will benefit immeasurably.

Family & ParentingDeathHolidays & Celebrations
life

Reader and Boyfriend Disagree About Morning Routine

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 4th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am dating a man who hates watching the news. Meanwhile, I am a news junkie. He has started to stay over at my house sometimes, and in the morning, this is becoming an issue. I like to watch the morning cable programs, and he likes to listen to music. I am willing to have him turn on music in the living room, but I like to watch the news while I prepare breakfast. This is my routine. Should I change to his routine? How do I manage this? I really want to spend time with him, but I have my rhythm. -- Bumping Heads, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR BUMPING HEADS: In the interest of the relationship, I recommend that you agree to turn off the TV and the music during the time that you are in the kitchen together. Offer silence -- outside of your own conversation -- as a compromise, and see what your boyfriend says.

Add that each of you can have your personal routines for a particular amount of time in the morning. Maybe he can listen to his music while he’s showering and getting ready for work. Perhaps you can watch your morning shows while he’s in the bathroom or, if you have a TV in that room, you can watch as you get ready.

You can also agree that you will watch one full cycle of cable news but turn it off after you have heard the pundits and gotten caught up on the news of the day. It won’t be easy to break with your ways of doing things. You two will have to decide if the relationship is worth the shift.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Love & DatingEtiquette & Ethics
life

Reader Worried About Friend's Possible Drinking Problem

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 3rd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went out to dinner with a group of friends last weekend. We had a lot of fun, but one of my friends got pretty wasted. We had to collect her from the restroom, where she had been vomiting. It was embarrassing, as we were at a fancy restaurant.

Beyond the embarrassment, though, is the fact that she didn’t know when to stop drinking. It’s one thing to hang out and have fun and another entirely to pass out and have to be dragged into the car because she couldn’t handle herself. I doubt that my friend will even remember what happened, she was so far gone. Do I tell her about it? I think I would want to know. Everybody in my group drinks socially, so I’m no saint here. I think she has a problem. What should I do? -- SOS, Denver

Dear SOS: Trust your gut. Get in touch with your friend. If at all possible, meet with her face to face. Be honest and compassionate. Tell her that you want to talk to her about the dinner you and your friends recently attended. Ask her if she remembers anything about the evening. Do not interrogate her, though. Ask for her blessing for you to share your concerns with her. Then, describe to her how she behaved and why you are concerned. Tell her you think she went way overboard and that you want to make sure she knows that it wasn’t good for her or for your group.

Ask your friend if she thinks she needs help managing alcohol. If so, suggest that she take action. The easiest thing to do for starters is to go to Alcoholics Anonymous (aa.org). If she balks at that, suggest that she drink less so that she can stay in control.

AddictionFriends & Neighbors
life

Co-Worker Drives Poorly on Work Trips

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 3rd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I often travel with a colleague for work. We work in the field, and typically there is a lot of driving involved. The way the project is set up, my colleague is always the driver. He rents the car, figures out the navigation and drives, often for hours on end to get to our jobs. I don’t love driving, so in a way, this is nice. But it also seems sexist that the company has him driving. Beyond that, this guy is not the safest driver. He often jerks from lane to lane as he is looking at his GPS. Sometimes it’s scary. When I offer to co-pilot and say the navigation out loud ahead of time, he shrugs it off. I’m tired of holding my breath while driving. Should I tell him I want to drive? Should I demand to help with navigation? -- On Eggshells, Detroit

DEAR ON EGGSHELLS: Stand up for yourself. You have the legal right to drive a rental car that is rented by a co-worker. Tell your colleague that you do not think he is driving safely when he is reading the GPS and driving erratically. Offer to drive some of the time. Require that you serve as co-pilot when he is driving. Make it clear that you feel unsafe with the way that he drives, so changes must be made -- now. Try to work this out between you. Go to management only if you cannot resolve it together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsWork & SchoolHealth & Safety
life

Reader Having Doubts About Daughter at Sleepaway Camp

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 2nd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 13-year-old daughter is at sleepaway camp. She seems to be having a wonderful time. We speak to her once a week, and the reports are always great. This is her fourth year at the camp, which also helps us to feel at ease. That is, until we got a message that one of the campers had tried to hurt herself the other day. The message was vague, though we were told that our daughter was fine and the camp has talked to all of the girls in the affected group. I spoke to my daughter, who is fine.

When I told a friend, however, she was irate. She thought I should pull my daughter from the camp immediately because it is unsafe. She also hated that the kids don’t have their phones and thought the whole scene is unsafe. Now I’m torn. My daughter is strong and clear. I believe she is safe. My friend has put doubts in my mind. What should I do? -- Camp Mom, Syracuse, New York

DEAR CAMP MOM: Trust your instincts, your child's words and the administration of the camp. Contact camp officials to find out what’s going on now and what safety measures they have put in place to protect the campers. Stay in close touch so that you can feel confident that the situation is being handled to your satisfaction. If you ever feel that your daughter is unsafe, absolutely go get her immediately.

Family & ParentingHealth & SafetyTeens
life

Reader Needs to Set Boundaries With Client

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 2nd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an independent contractor. I have been building my business for a few years now. I currently have a client who has erratic behavior. Sometimes she is clear in her communication about what she wants me to do. Other times, she seems extremely high-strung and angry. When she is in that mood, everything I say or do is all wrong. I feel like I am working for two different people, and it’s hard to function professionally. I want to keep this contract, as I like the work and it’s fairly consistent. But it is hard for me work for someone who is unclear and seemingly emotionally unstable. What can I do to get this relationship to be more professional? -- Calm Down, Toledo, Ohio

DEAR CALM DOWN: When dealing with a difficult client, one of the most effective things you can do is to write everything down and get sign-offs of your work. With your client’s signature in hand, you may be able to show her what you agreed to do and remind her that she agreed to it to help calm her. Sometimes, though, it’s best to let a person rant and say nothing. Let the person release his or her emotions. Later, when things are calm again, double back and review how you are planning to proceed with the work at hand. Don’t address the outburst. Instead, stay the course based upon your written agreement. You may find that your volatile client settles back into the original plan more often than not if you do not react to her hysterics but wait instead for a quieter moment to engage.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsWork & School

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