DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter has started keeping her door closed when her friends are over. They have just started high school. They used to include me in their gossip, but now it appears that I am not welcome to join or even overhear. I want to make sure my daughter isn't growing up too quickly while letting her keep her privacy. My husband thinks nothing good can happen behind closed doors, but I argue that they're only 14 and can't be getting into too much trouble. -- Door Open or Closed, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR DOOR OPEN OR CLOSED: Stop defending your daughter and establish ground rules. If she was never allowed to close the door before, that rule should remain in effect today. If you want to split the difference, you could tell your daughter she can close the door as long as she understands that you can open it whenever you want to.

It may be true that you are no longer privy to teen gossip, but you need to be seen as the one in charge. Teenagers do push buttons. It is their nature. To ensure that they are safe in their behavior and thinking, let your daughter know that you reserve the right to come in whenever you please. You can knock briefly before entering, in an effort to show them respect, but definitely conduct regular patrolling exercises. Your husband is right.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I hosted a BYOB viewing party at my apartment a few days ago. Someone brought a pricey bottle of liquor and didn't take it with them after the game was over. Is it mine now? Should I reach out to the owner of the bottle and ask if he wants it back? This is the first time something like this has happened to me. The bottle is mostly full and worth $70. -- Is This a Gift?, Detroit

DEAR IS THIS A GIFT?: It is understandable that you would question whether your friend meant to leave that expensive bottle at your house. I would not call to find out, though. The protocol when you bring a bottle to someone's house is that it stays at the house. Your guest could have taken the bottle with him, but since he did not, assume that he meant to leave it.

You should treat it as the special bottle that it is, mainly not consuming it with too much haste. You may want to keep it for special occasions when you have guests over -- especially the person who gave it to you.

I also want to caution you not to be concerned about it at all. Your friend brought the bottle. Consider it a generous gift. When you are invited to a BYOB party, you may want to up the value of the bottle, as this person did. Or just bring what you believe people will enjoy, and trust your instincts.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am taking part in my work's secret Santa gift exchange. I thought the drawings would be slightly rigged so I would at least know who I was buying a gift for, but I have never spoken to my gift recipient, "Jeff." What could I possibly get him? We were advised against getting generic gifts and really getting to know the person. -- Too Much Effort, Syracuse, New York

DEAR TOO MUCH EFFORT: It sounds like your company's management team wants the staff to get to know one another. This is a creative, if time-consuming, way. You need to become a sleuth of sorts. Figure out who Jeff is. Walk by his desk and do a cursory overview of what he has in his personal area to get ideas for his interests. Look him up in the company directory to learn about his job and any details that might be available. Research him on social media as you continue your search. You don't want to give away that you are the secret Santa, so you have to be careful how much you talk to Jeff. If you want to engage him at all, you may want to speak to several people in his area so that it will remain vague as to exactly who you are and who you are investigating.

Then, get something simple that speaks to who this man is. Like, if you see a particular candy or gum on his desk get him more of that. If you notice a book, get him a book in that genre. Kids' photos? A fun picture frame that's kid-friendly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family immigrated to the United States from Poland, and we still celebrate Christmas s we did back home, at night on the 24th. After remarriages, this year is our first celebrating American Christmas. We don't know what to expect except what we've seen in movies and holiday commercials. There is no easy way to learn the culture except for experiencing it, but I feel like a fish out of water. Does everyone really run downstairs in their pajamas and start opening presents? Do we all watch each other open gifts? -- How to Be American, Boston

DEAR HOW TO BE AMERICAN: There are some things that most families do, but honestly you should speak to the new step-families to learn about their traditions. Give them an opportunity to tell you about what they think is important in their families. Often, these things change when children grow up, so it's smart to check in.

One common activity, especially with young children, is to leave milk and cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. Children go to bed early, then wake up very early, so parents tend to make rules about when everyone will go to see what Santa left under the tree. Opening presents is commonly a group activity, in pajamas, where family members take turns opening gifts so they can see what everyone gets. Regardless of a family's budget, the goal is to have something for everyone, especially the children.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend called me a bad mother because I don't constantly supervise my children. As they get older (they're 8 and 11), I like to give them small freedoms, like walking down the block to the convenience store for snacks and to occasionally get me a coffee. Am I a bad mother? When I was growing up, my curfew would be the streetlights coming on. -- A Little Freedom, Pikesville, Maryland

DEAR A LITTLE FREEDOM: As a parent, you have to decide when your children are ready to accept increasing amounts of independence. I have had a similar experience. My daughter was the first girl in her class to go to school by herself, without a parent or baby sitter. Only she and one other girl, to our knowledge, walked or bused home from school by age 12. For me, that seemed normal, even though many parents considered it too young for their children.

What I had to do was what was right for my family. The same is true for you. Make sure you put safeguards in place. Give your children cellphones that include GPS trackers. Teach them the route to and from their destination. Have them travel together to have safety in numbers. Listen to yourself, not your friends.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I hosted Thanksgiving for my family this year. Part of my family left dinner early to prepare for Black Friday shopping. I was livid. How could you value materialistic things over family time? We don't get together often, but I was told the savings were just "too good." I am disappointed. Do these shoppers deserve an invitation to Christmas? It's about family, not the presents. -- Not on My Watch, Fort Lauderdale, Florida

DEAR NOT ON MY WATCH: The lure of Black Friday is real for many people. While the deals are often good, I do find it to be gimmicky, and I hate that many sales start on Thanksgiving Day. Cutting into family time is not a good idea, in my book.

Rather than uninvite the offending family members, let them know how disappointed you were in their behavior. Remind them of how rarely you get together as a family and that you hope that next year they will put family first. Point out that they can shop the next day, just not in the middle of your family's Thanksgiving celebration.

To ensure that they will be active participants at Christmas, warmly invite them to join the festivities and let them know the agenda. This is important for everyone, especially young adults who may want to dash off to see friends or participate in other activities toward the end of the day. You should not try to monitor their time excessively, or you will create animosity. It is OK to let them know that you hope they will choose family first for the core time of the family engagement.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)