DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends is extremely interested in photography. She is taking a class and wants to do a photo shoot with me. I am in the middle of moving, and she told me that she doesn't mind and would love to shoot me in my childhood bedroom. What she didn't pick up on is that I DO mind the timing of this photo shoot.

She has a deadline, but I need to pack up my parents' house. She already told me she'd be angry if I canceled on her because of her final grade. -- To Cancel?, Cincinnati

DEAR TO CANCEL?: I have learned that it is essential that you stand up for yourself, even if that means that your friends aren't happy sometimes. You can do so while still expressing support for your friend. Tell her that you appreciate her interest in photography and would be happy to accommodate her at another time, but that you will not be available to do the photo shoot within her deadline period. The end.

If she continues to pressure you, stop talking about it and turn your attention to the work before you. Your job is to complete the packing of your parents' home, which is a monumental effort. If you honestly feel that you cannot handle the added stress of incorporating a photo shoot into the mix, stand your ground.

I will add, though, that having your family home and bedroom documented before you leave it forever could create beautiful memories. Sorry to throw a wrench into it, but this is worth your serious consideration before you close the door.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am notoriously clumsy, and I spilled tea on a customer I was serving -- and myself -- in my cafe. I try to have great relationships with my customers, but this woman immediately went up in arms and demanded I pay her for every piece of clothing I got the tea on. I told her that I would pay for dry cleaning, and she threatened to sue me before giving me her contact information and storming out. Am I responsible for purchasing new clothing? Should I just ignore this threat? -- Clumsy Costs, Madison, Wisconsin

DEAR CLUMSY COSTS: Speak to your manager immediately about the situation. You should not be on your own in this. Typically, a restaurant is responsible for the dry cleaning bill for any clothing that is affected by a spill that was the establishment's fault. It is far less common for the facility to buy someone new clothes. What this customer needs is likely to speak to someone in authority who can calm her down and assure her that this accident was unintentional. Your manager can offer her a free meal or some other additional perk.

For you, stop calling yourself clumsy. If you expect to continue to work in the service industry, specifically in food service, you must claim better behavior and then work toward activating it. Otherwise, you will deserve being sued for your ineptness.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a midwife who is frequently on call. Just this Thanksgiving, I could be only 20 minutes away from my client. I know this comes with the territory, so I went to my neighbor's house to celebrate the holiday.

My boyfriend, who lives a state over, was not as understanding. He told me that everyone else has a day off, while I retorted that life doesn't wait around for the holidays. How can I get him to understand the unique stresses of my job? He's upset we didn't celebrate our first holiday together. -- Delivering Babies and Bad News, Denver

DEAR DELIVERING BABIES AND BAD NEWS: Plenty of people have nontraditional jobs that require unusual hours. Because you have that type of schedule, it is incumbent on you to align your family and friends with your reality. Your new boyfriend wanted to see you and was frustrated that it couldn't happen. This is natural. What you needed to do was to explain -- calmly -- what the terms of your employment are. It is important for you to resist the temptation to get defensive or holier-than-thou about your work.

Do your best to remember that your loved ones, especially your beau, simply want to spend quality time with you. Do not get upset. Instead, create opportunities for meaningful encounters. Next time, invite your beau to a quiet dinner or lunch for two near your worksite. Vow to come visit as soon as the baby is born. Figure out creative solutions that bring you two close together without compromising your job.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After a family get-together, it came to my knowledge that my 6-year-old cousin wears diapers to bed. This shocked me (and grossed me out) because I was completely potty-trained at half her age. I didn't want to bring this up to her mother, who seems to think attachment parenting is the best method, but I think I should. What if she gets made fun of at sleepovers or never gets fully potty-trained? I think I should step in -- her seventh birthday is coming up in a few months. -- No More Diapers, St. Louis

DEAR NO MORE DIAPERS: You cannot prevent whatever teasing may come your cousin's way. You can speak to her mother to check in. Let her know that you discovered that her daughter isn't yet potty-trained and that you wanted to check in to find out if there's something wrong. There is a chance that your cousin is developmentally disabled or has some other challenge. If you ask compassionately, you stand a chance of receiving an honest answer.

Ask your aunt if you can be of help with your cousin making the transition out of diapers. Be careful as you navigate this conversation, but push on. Do your best to learn what's going on with her and to encourage her to get the help her daughter needs in order to gain control of her bladder. A visit to the pediatrician may be needed -- or even to a child psychologist.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the typical rotation of hosting holidays? I have been trying to get the weight of hosting off my shoulders, but I can't seem to find a child, sibling or grandparent to take the burden. Should this be passed up or down through generations? -- No More Hosting, Detroit

DEAR NO MORE HOSTING: I'm not aware of a "typical" rotation of hosting holidays that's part of the American lexicon. What I do know is that it usually starts with the matriarch of the family, and then when she either passes or gets too old to handle the responsibility, one of her siblings or children takes the baton.

These days, families that live near one another sometimes agree to rotate the responsibility from house to house each year and each holiday, so that it is not a burden on anyone. In some families -- especially those that have lost the matriarch but have no one willing or able to step in -- families decide to go to a restaurant for the holiday meal -- as a family. Or they order in. I know that may seem sacrilegious for some, but it works in certain instances. Ultimately, if the duty has fallen on you and you are no longer up to the task, you must initiate new ideas and enforce what makes sense for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother needs too much help from me and my siblings and refuses to get a caregiver. I am under a lot of stress and cannot keep worrying about her and taking her calls about needing assistance with her home. My siblings and I pay her rent (happily), and I think we should send over a caregiver to help her. She can learn to like it! -- Caregiver Surprise, Boston

DEAR CAREGIVER SURPRISE: It's not best to spring a caregiver on your mother, even as you have decisions to make. Does she already use an alert system in case she falls? If not, start by introducing that idea. Some families install motion-sensor cameras in their parents' homes so that it can be easy to monitor them from a distance.

In terms of a human helper, do your research. Find someone who seems compatible with your mother, and then bring the person with you one day when you go to visit. Introduce the person and say what she or he does. Ask your mother to try to see if the person can be of help. Plan this at a time when you need to go out for awhile. Ask the helper to stay and engage your mother during the period that you are gone. Even if your mother balks at first, there's a good chance she will give the person a try if you physically leave her or him there when you go.

You may need to point out to your mother times when it would have been safer for her to have help. Ask her to try out the person for a week. Revisit the notion after that time period to see if she has changed her mind.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)