DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the typical rotation of hosting holidays? I have been trying to get the weight of hosting off my shoulders, but I can't seem to find a child, sibling or grandparent to take the burden. Should this be passed up or down through generations? -- No More Hosting, Detroit

DEAR NO MORE HOSTING: I'm not aware of a "typical" rotation of hosting holidays that's part of the American lexicon. What I do know is that it usually starts with the matriarch of the family, and then when she either passes or gets too old to handle the responsibility, one of her siblings or children takes the baton.

These days, families that live near one another sometimes agree to rotate the responsibility from house to house each year and each holiday, so that it is not a burden on anyone. In some families -- especially those that have lost the matriarch but have no one willing or able to step in -- families decide to go to a restaurant for the holiday meal -- as a family. Or they order in. I know that may seem sacrilegious for some, but it works in certain instances. Ultimately, if the duty has fallen on you and you are no longer up to the task, you must initiate new ideas and enforce what makes sense for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother needs too much help from me and my siblings and refuses to get a caregiver. I am under a lot of stress and cannot keep worrying about her and taking her calls about needing assistance with her home. My siblings and I pay her rent (happily), and I think we should send over a caregiver to help her. She can learn to like it! -- Caregiver Surprise, Boston

DEAR CAREGIVER SURPRISE: It's not best to spring a caregiver on your mother, even as you have decisions to make. Does she already use an alert system in case she falls? If not, start by introducing that idea. Some families install motion-sensor cameras in their parents' homes so that it can be easy to monitor them from a distance.

In terms of a human helper, do your research. Find someone who seems compatible with your mother, and then bring the person with you one day when you go to visit. Introduce the person and say what she or he does. Ask your mother to try to see if the person can be of help. Plan this at a time when you need to go out for awhile. Ask the helper to stay and engage your mother during the period that you are gone. Even if your mother balks at first, there's a good chance she will give the person a try if you physically leave her or him there when you go.

You may need to point out to your mother times when it would have been safer for her to have help. Ask her to try out the person for a week. Revisit the notion after that time period to see if she has changed her mind.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live with my mother and stepfather. They are both extremely religious and abstain from alcohol. When I went away for a weekend, my mom went into my room and found empty wine bottles under my bed. I admit that when I come home from work, I like to drink a glass of wine while watching a show before going to bed. She has told my entire family I am an alcoholic because I drink alone.

I am over the legal drinking age and have consumed five bottles of wine since August -- that is only 25 servings of wine. Am I right to be angry with my mother? She embarrassed me in front of the whole family. -- She's Confused, Salt Lake City

DEAR SHE'S CONFUSED: The bottom line for you is that if you want to drink alcohol at home, you need to live in your own home -- not that of your parents. You know that they shun alcohol. They probably think it is a sin and have articulated that they believe you drink too much.

Your alcohol consumption is something for you to evaluate, potentially with the help of your doctor. But as far as family mores and household expectations, you have definitely crossed a line that your parents consider a violation. Suck up the embarrassment part. Apologize to your parents for drinking in their home. While you live there, don't trip on the premises. Seriously consider your next steps as far as independence. Chances are, there are many things you would prefer to do, but your hands are tied until you have your own place.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband impulse-purchased a hot tub this weekend. Obviously, this was not the smartest decision he's ever made. To add to this mess, we can't return the hot tub (it was on sale), and we don't have anybody to sell it to. I think we should just cut our losses and scrap the tub, while my husband thinks we may as well hook it up. The water bill will be through the roof! What should we do with this huge aboveground hot tub? -- Boiling Hot, Atlanta

DEAR BOILING HOT: Before you chuck the tub, do the research to find out how much it actually will cost to utilize it. Call your water company to determine the average cost of using a hot tub. They will know, as others in your neighborhood or nearby likely use one. Figure out all costs, along with the reality of why your husband wanted it in the first place. A properly tended hot tub could serve as a romantic spark in your marriage if you treat it as such.

Pour some cold water on your face -- literally if need be -- and sit down to talk to your husband. Learn his motivation and make an effort to like his new toy. It may become something very special that you enjoy together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently learned a friend's mom passed away. I realized my friend and I met up the day after she got the news (this information is coming late from someone who knew the whole time). My friend acted normal, and we had a good time. I feel guilty that I didn't send her flowers or an arrangement. How was I supposed to find out about her mother's passing if no one told me? I consider myself to be in her circle, and I don't know how I was left out of the information circuit. -- Is It Too Late Now, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR IS IT TOO LATE NOW: Death is the great mystery of life, and many people do not know how to handle it, especially when it hits close to home. To lose your mother is possibly the most tragic experience for people, save losing a child. Most people feel a close bond to their mothers, and when that bond breaks due to the final breath being taken, it can seem impossible to handle, especially in the beginning.

The fact that your friend hung out with you but did not say anything about her mother's passing means that she didn't want to talk about it. It is not your fault that you were in the dark about her pain. She clearly wanted to hang out with someone who didn't know and who would be a neutral party at such a vulnerable time.

Do not make this about you or your perceived stumbling. Focus your energy on her. Now that you know, send her a card with condolences. Call her to tell her how sorry you are and ask if you can be of help in any way. Just be a friend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been sick for over a month. I have been on two separate antibiotics with no success. I can't afford to waste more time going to doctors' appointments. I have a house to clean, dinner to cook and children to drive. I also volunteer at an animal shelter. What can my explanation be to those who ask why I'm still sick and running around town? I am frustrated at my illness, too, but I can no longer waste time lying in bed hoping to get better. -- Ill Timing, Detroit

DEAR ILL TIMING: Ask yourself these questions, and get a second opinion. Please know that it can be difficult to heal fully if you don't give yourself enough quiet time to rest and recuperate. Even though a month seems very long, your body is clearly telling you either that you need to slow down and be still for a while, or that you need a second opinion to figure out exactly what is going on.

Ignoring your illness and going about your life as if you are fine is not a smart choice, even though you have clear responsibilities. Now is the time to put yourself first. Do everything you can to get an accurate diagnosis, and then follow the doctor's orders.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)