life

Loud Chewing Disrupts College Course

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 29th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college professor who teaches a 2 1/2-hour course once a week. The length of the course obviously gets tedious, but it is only once a week. I have been having a problem with a student, "Caleb," who decides to eat a full meal during class. He comes in with a meatball sub, chips and a huge drink to wash this all down with.

I have spoken to Caleb outside of class and mentioned how his loud eating habits disrupt the class. He told me he didn't see anything in my syllabus prohibiting it, so he sees no reason to stop. How can I ask the class to put up with Caleb's munching for the rest of this semester? -- Loud Chewing, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR LOUD CHEWING: Schedule a meeting with Caleb to get a better sense of what's going on with him. Chances are, if he is eating during your class, it is probably because he hasn't had a moment to eat before then. Find out what he does right before your class begins. Perhaps you can invite him to come to your office and eat before class or go to a common area at school to eat in advance.

Point out that his behavior is disruptive to the class, and you want to figure out a way to take care of everyone. If he refuses to stop eating -- and there are no college rules that you can enforce to stop him -- require that he sit on the last row by an open window (if there is one) or by the door.

Rather than asking your other students to endure him, show them through your actions that you are doing your best to remedy the problem.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Sense & Sensitivity for September 29, 2016

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 29th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an uncommon name, and other people frequently mispronounce it. However, the spelling is similar to a more common name, for example the difference between Anna and "Ah-nuh." Although people are saying my name incorrectly, they pronounce it with confidence. How can I correct people who pronounce my name incorrectly without being deemed a harsh corrector? -- Not Like the Others, Boston

DEAR NOT LIKE THE OTHERS: Come up with a creative and fun way for people to remember your pronunciation. Think of a popular word or saying or thing that sounds like your name or that you can combine with another word to make your pronunciation. The goal is to tap into others' comfort zones and then switch it up to make your unique name. By making it easy for others, you allow for the best opportunity for them to get it right.

You also have to be willing to speak up right away and tell them. You can even introduce yourself by saying your name and adding that it has an unusual pronunciation, followed by saying it slowly and with enthusiasm.

When someone mispronounces it, decide if it is more important in that moment to get the pronunciation right or for you to follow along with the conversation. This is important, because you don't want to turn into a nuisance about your name; you want to inspire people to want to get it right.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Dad Wants to Make Rules for Ex's New Husband

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 28th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-wife has recently remarried. I am indifferent about the marriage, but I need to communicate more with the new guy because my ex and I have children together. I want to talk to him about how my children will refer to him -- NOT "Dad" -- and how he plans on parenting them. How do I ask for him to meet with me? It doesn't matter if my ex is there. -- Not Their Daddy, Tucson, Arizona

DEAR NOT THEIR DADDY: As much as you won't want to hear this, I suggest that you start with your ex and tell her you want to have a conversation with her about the future. I doubt that it will ever work for you and her new husband to try to get on the same page without her blessing. You can tell your ex that you have been thinking about how things will unfold now that she is remarried, and you would like to check in with her husband so that the two of you can reach an agreement about his role. Ask for her blessing for the two of you to get together. If she agrees, let her know upfront what you have in mind, especially what he will be called and where and how discipline figures into daily life.

If you get to meet directly with the new husband, be respectful of him in his new role, and ask him to treasure your children, even as you remind him that you intend to be active in their lives.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for September 28, 2016

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 28th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in the suburbs, but on the outskirts of town, so I have a little more land. My neighbors have a garden and have been recently creating compost. They haven't told me this -- my nose has. There is a nasty manure pile and rotting food in their backyard. It is putrid, and I think they should move it. We already don't have the best relationship, so I would like this confrontation to go as smoothly as possible. -- No Manure, Poughkeepsie, New York

DEAR NO MANURE: Now is as good a time as any to put on your best behavior. You have to forge a positive relationship with these people if you want to stand a chance of enjoying the extra land you have acquired. So go on over there. Bring a bottle of wine if you think they would enjoy that, and ask if you can sit down and talk. Apologize for getting off to a rocky start, and suggest that you all start over, trying to figure out how best to get along.

Tell them that you have a concern that you really need to bring up with them. Ask for their blessing to share it. Then spill the beans. Tell them that you appreciate that they are trying to be eco-conscious, but that where they have placed their manure pile and composting heap are in direct line of your windows, and it's making you sick. Ask them if they would consider moving the pile or possibly also enclosing it in order to contain the odor. If you ask nicely, you may get a yes!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Thrifty Reader Needs Financial Advice

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 27th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am about to reach five-figure savings. I've worked toward this goal for years through frugality and postponing pursuing my master's degree. I do not have a financial adviser of any kind, and I have just been letting the savings sit in a savings account. I look at online blogs about investing, and I feel like I would jeopardize my savings by trying to make more money investing in something I don't know much about. -- Sitting Duck Savings, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR SITTING DUCK SAVINGS: It is worth it for you to seek some financial advice for how to best leverage your savings. Financial professionals have been trained in low-risk to high-risk options for what to do with extra money. Since you are young, it is likely that you will be advised to put a certain amount of money in a higher-risk financial instrument because you can keep it there for some time. Some money will need to stay liquid, or immediately available to you, and other funds may go into an instrument that will yield a better return on investment than a savings account without creating the headache that you are looking to avoid. If you have a job where you are offered a 401(k) plan, for example, I'm sure you will be advised to match whatever your employer is putting in at the top level possible.

But that's just me, a layperson talking. Find a professional that you like. Start with your bank. Ask for a consultation, and listen to the options you are presented. Resist the urge to make a decision until you have heard several different companies' pitches. You can talk to insurance companies that also do investing, like Prudential or State Farm. You can go to strictly investment companies like Morgan Stanley or use a bank, any one from Chase to Citi to TD. Compare their suggestions, and select what makes you feel comfortable.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for September 27, 2016

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 27th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has become friends with a new boy in his class, "Lukas." Lukas' father is an ambassador to the United States. Our sons have a play date soon, and I am unsure how to address the boy's father. I have never met him. Lukas' mother told me her husband was an ambassador. Is there an etiquette rule similar to referring to someone as "countess" or "duke"? I don't know how to refer to someone who is an ambassador. -- Foot in Mouth, Newark, New Jersey

DEAR FOOT IN MOUTH: Stop fretting and make this easy on yourself. Call Lukas' mom and ask her directly how you should address her husband. Tell her you want both your child and you to be respectful of him and his role. Find out his preference.

Chances are, he would like to be called by his first name by you and whatever the protocol is for your child and his school when it comes to the children. Generally, families put titles and work roles to the side when dealing with their children, but it's worth knowing. If you do anything socially with them, it will be good to know expectations in social settings.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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