DEAR HARRIETTE: After 12 years of marriage and one child, I have diagnosed my husband with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). He completely fits the bill. "David" is an expert liar and manipulator, and he is extremely confident. His confidence and drive originally drew me to him, but over the past few years, he has accused me of having a victim mentality and damaging our relationship because I "refuse" to forgive him.

I didn't know this disorder existed, but now everything makes sense. His deflection, lack of empathy and hardheaded ways all point to NPD.

What can I do? He has been the love of my life, but also the constant wrongdoer in our relationship. His excuse when my friend caught him on a date with another woman? "I told you I was going out with friends." His NPD is pulling our relationship apart, and I don't even know if he cares. -- Love in a Hopeless Place, Cincinnati

DEAR LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE: Be wary of making diagnoses when you are not a physician. Since you have suspicions, do your best to get your husband to therapy. If you believe that your husband wants to stay married to you AND if you want to stay married to him, ask him to go to therapy with you so that you can figure out how to work through your problems and get to solid ground. This requires you to spell out to him that you do not trust him based on specific behaviors. Without professional help, it may be impossible for you to get to a manageable place. If he will not go, you should probably go anyway so that you can sort out your feelings and determine your next steps.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work in a pretty small office. We are in the advertising world, and we work in groups to put together the best campaigns possible. Throughout the year, I've noticed "Bobby" becoming more and more friendly toward me. I thought it was great that we had a friendship, but I made it clear I have a serious boyfriend whom I plan on moving in with.

Two weeks ago, Bobby told me he loves me. I was stunned. I made it clear that I do not reciprocate these feelings, nor would I ever leave my boyfriend for him. Work has been awkward, to say the least. Is there any way to bring work back to the fun and friendly environment it used to be? -- One-Sided Work Relationship, Boston

DEAR ONE-SIDED WORK RELATIONSHIP: Be gentle with Bobby, even though you were clear with him from the start. Remind him that you were open and honest with him from the beginning. Tell him that you appreciate that he cares about you, but your caring for him is and has always been limited to a working relationship. Ask him to work with you to mend the friendship today so that you can continue to work together harmoniously.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend texts me way too casually. Just a week after our breakup, he texted me with his weekend plans, completely unprovoked. I responded a few hours later, and the conversation ended there. Now he attempts to text me like we didn't date for years! What gives? I thought everyone knew saying that we would "stay friends" is a lie. -- Exes and Nos, Charlotte, NC

DEAR EXES AND NOS: Obviously, your ex didn't get the memo! You need to get in touch with him, preferably not via text. Ask him if the two of you can talk. Then, either face-to-face or on the phone, explain to him that it isn't cool for him to be in touch as if you are old buds. Tell him that you need some space between you and that, even though you hope the two of you will stay pleasant with each other, you are not interested in staying an active part of his life. Wish him well. Tell him you intend to live your life, and he should do the same -- without including you in it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been bitten by the DIY bug. I redid a dining table and realized we can save so much money by putting a little elbow grease into things we own already. However, my wife disapproves of my new hobby because "it's easier to buy something instead of wasting your time." I acknowledged we didn't need to do the DIY project out of necessity, but because it was fun. We're currently debating why I can't build us a couch instead of buying one. How do I get my wife on the DIY craze? -- Do It on My Own, Berkeley, California

DEAR DO IT ON MY OWN: You two need to come to a meeting of the minds. To get your wife to begin to like your new hobby, you have to create boundaries. Tell her how much you love the DIY scene and that it is bringing you tremendous joy. Ask her to indulge you the space to work on projects around the house. Tell her it is important to you to have her blessing. Ask her what you can do so that she will feel comfortable.

For example, if she really wants to buy a new couch, acquiesce to her if in turn she will give you the freedom to build something else. Try to get your wife to agree on projects before you start them, so that she feels like she still has a say in what goes into her house. People can become irrationally territorial when they feel that their turf is threatened. If the home was once her domain, your new interest in building things for it may have gotten her off balance. By acknowledging that and ensuring her that you are not trying to take over, but, instead, hoping to contribute, you may be able to win her over.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I agreed to look after my friend's cat while she goes on vacation. She took care of my dog a few years ago, so I figure I owe her one. After agreeing to cat-sitting and meeting the cat, I realized I am allergic to cats! I have never spent time around cats before, and when I left, I had the telltale signs of allergies: itchy eyes, runny nose and raspy throat. I can take allergy medication to deal with the cat, but she insists I keep it at my house! I read online that cat dander can take seven years to leave a home. Am I still obligated to cat-sit? I would feel crummy dropping out. -- Cat Sitter, Austin, Texas

DEAR CAT SITTER: If possible, you should still care for the cat; however, you do not have to bring the cat to your house. Tell your friend the truth. Explain that you did not know you were allergic to cats and figured it out when you met her cat. Offer a compromise: You will take medication so that you are able to be around the cat, but you cannot bring the cat into your home. Chances are great that the cat will make your home uninhabitable for you if you take care of it there.

If your friend insists, suggest that she ask someone else to watch her cat, or even put the cat in a boarding facility, where it will have company and be under constant supervision.

What you should not do is ignore your health and bring the cat in your home because your friend is pushing you. I have severe cat allergies and can tell you firsthand that the cost can easily be too great for your health.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In an effort to curb bad-mouthing other people, I express my thoughts in emails that I never send. My drafts folder is essentially my diary. While communicating with a co-worker, I recalled beginning a draft regarding a project we were working on. Without thinking, I opened my drafts folder, and my co-worker saw the beginning of a scathing email about her. I never sent this email, but now she knows it exists.

I want to apologize, but I don't know how to initiate this apology. I hope she doesn't spread this around the office. -- Dang Drafts Folder, Savannah, Georgia

DEAR DANG DRAFTS FOLDER: You should go directly to your co-worker and confess that you sometimes write out your frustrations, though you never send them. Apologize to her for the rant that she read. You cannot control what she does with that information, but it is the honorable thing to do.

As for your drafts folder, delete it immediately. In the future, reserve your rants for your home computer. And do not ever save them in a drafts folder. Another horrible mistake could occur if you ever pushed send inadvertently. Instead, keep a rants file on your home computer stored in a place completely separate from the internet.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)