DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends is a very open woman. She likes to talk about every aspect of her life and doesn't think to notice who else is listening. At a cocktail party recently, she was talking about how she uses Nair on her husband's back because they agreed he is too hairy. She then went on to say how great their bedroom life is. My other friend and I were shocked. Usually, we can just laugh about how "Carol" overshares, but I thought this was way too personal. I do not want to hear it.

I asked Carol how she thinks her husband would feel if he knew what she was saying about him, and she looked puzzled. She said, "Well, I only told you and a couple of other girls. There's no way he'd find out." I couldn't carry on the conversation much longer, so I excused myself.

I know women always laugh about Carol's ways, but I think they will begin to judge her negatively. I don't want to infringe on Carol's free speech, but I do want to remind her that not everybody is ready to hear such personal details. Is that overstepping my boundaries? I also do not want her to think I don't support her -- I just want to appropriately mingle at these events. -- Against Oversharing, Milwaukee

DEAR AGAINST OVERSHARING: You didn't ask Carol the right question. Don't beat around the bush. Tell her that her intimate stories make you uncomfortable, and you don't want to hear them. Add that when she shares them in public settings, it makes other people uncomfortable. Suggest that she stick to small talk when in public, and that she limit details about her personal life. Most people do not want to know.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This past Christmas, I got great gifts for my family. Specifically, I got my nephew a bunch of pricey athletic gear so he can look cool in the hallways and feel comfortable. When I was at my sister's house, I saw his girlfriend wearing one of my gifts to him! When I mentioned that I recognized that sweatshirt, my nephew told me that it's too small on him, so he's letting "Annie" have it. She looked pretty pleased with her gift.

I cannot believe my gift was blatantly regifted. I think my nephew should have returned the gift to me if he didn't like the size. Should I ask for my gift back? It was intended for him to wear. -- Slap to the Face, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR SLAP TO THE FACE: It's time to remember that when you give a gift, it should be given freely. You did not tell your nephew that you wanted him to give it back to you if it didn't fit. Be happy that your gift helps him please his girlfriend. The same effect occurs. He feels cool because he can help his girlfriend feel cool.

Try your best to feel happy about that. He could have just stuffed it in a box in the back of his closet, and you would have been none the wiser. Consider this a good sign! He has a nice girlfriend, and you helped him make her happy.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends recently came out of the closet at 25. I was so happy for him as he began exploring the gay scene in our city, but my joy has slowly turned into concern. He has entered a promiscuous phase, and I am concerned, not just because of sexually transmitted infections, but also because our local scene, especially as people of color, is not so big.

I really want to support my friend in exploring his newfound freedom, but I worry he may not be going about this in the smartest way. Do you think my concerns are legitimate? If so, how can I talk to him about this without sounding judgmental? Any help would be greatly appreciated. -- Drive Slow Homie, Port Chester, New York

DEAR DRIVE SLOW HOMIE: It is hard for people to have perspective when they are caught up in the moment. This means that your friend may not hear you until after the damage is done, but you can try. Ask him to get together. Check in to find out how your friend is doing and where his head is. Remind him of how happy you are for him that he accepted who he is and sought to explore that. Tell him that you are concerned that he is not being responsible to his body or to his reputation by his current behavior. Just go for it. Tell him you know he may get mad, but that you care about him enough to tell him the truth. Suggest that he take a step back to think about what his actions are saying about him and if he believes that the message matches his intention.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started going out with this beautiful, intelligent and adventurous woman. Things started out well. However, she has one habit that is becoming a growing concern for me. She seems to have this need to incessantly badmouth her ex.

I understand that breakups can be bad, but this is starting to become more than uncomfortable. I've talked to her about this, and she said she would be careful to not talk about him. That lasted about a week. I'm starting to think she's not really over him, and I would hate to waste my time pursuing something she isn't ready for. Do you think I should try to press the issue, or do you think it may be time for me to move along? -- No Focus, Dallas

DEAR NO FOCUS: The next time your girlfriend utters anything about her ex, jump in and tell her that you don't want to know any more about him. Stop her, and make it clear that you care a lot about her and want to get to know her better, but that you feel she is stuck on her ex. Ask her to share with you about who she is, her life, beyond her ex. Add that if she feels she is not yet over him, you will step aside until she is ready. Make it clear that there is no room in your relationship for her ex to have an ongoing role.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a hostess at a restaurant. I am 25. I work very close to a 50-and-over community that does not allow children. Many of the women complain to me about the temperature in the restaurant. Occasionally, they will admit that they are going through menopause, and other times they will skirt around the topic. I receive many complaints about the heat of the restaurant. It'll be too hot, too cold, and then too hot again. The women from this community are, quite frankly, snobs, and they expect everyone to accommodate them. These complaints about temperature have gotten so common that my manager tells me not to bring them to him.

I don't want to lie to customers by saying I'll ask to get the temperature changed, but I also don't want to constantly bother my boss. This is a good job and gives me a great amount of spending money. I don't want to get fired, but I need to find a way to please everyone. -- You're Hot and You're Cold, Boston

DEAR YOU'RE HOT AND YOU'RE COLD: You have many years before you have to face the physical and emotional changes that menopause brings, and this can make these women's situations difficult to understand. Your customers may be snobs, but there is a good chance that they are actually just really uncomfortable. Since they believe that this restaurant caters to them and is part of their community, they feel entitled to speak up about the temperature.

Furthermore, there's a good chance they don't realize that it is their body temperatures that are fluctuating rather than that of the restaurant. I highly recommend that you speak to them in comforting terms, tell them you will check the temperature and adjust moderately. Ask your boss only when tempers escalate.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started dating a man with a now-6-year-old daughter about two years ago. I was introduced to the daughter eight months in, and everything was going well. Recently, he has been trying to encourage her to call me "Mom." The daughter's birth mother died due to complications with the pregnancy, so I know this is not an intentionally spiteful move, but it still makes me uncomfortable. We're not married, and even if we were, I would not want my children calling anyone else Mom, even if I was deceased.

I worry that bringing this up to my boyfriend may cause unnecessary arguments or make him doubt my commitment to this relationship. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need to? How can I talk to him without making this an ordeal? -- Not Mommy Dearest, Oakland, California

DEAR NOT MOMMY DEAREST: You are not wrong to want to move carefully into family mode with this child. You should not be "Mom" until you are "wife" first, in my way of thinking. Honestly, the moniker Mom is even more delicate than wife or husband, because two consenting adults enter into those terms consciously.

Suggest to your boyfriend that you are happy to be important in his daughter's life but that you do not want to be considered Mom until you two are clear on your path, and only if she wants to call you that. Otherwise, you can come up with a neutral love name.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)