DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends recently came out of the closet at 25. I was so happy for him as he began exploring the gay scene in our city, but my joy has slowly turned into concern. He has entered a promiscuous phase, and I am concerned, not just because of sexually transmitted infections, but also because our local scene, especially as people of color, is not so big.

I really want to support my friend in exploring his newfound freedom, but I worry he may not be going about this in the smartest way. Do you think my concerns are legitimate? If so, how can I talk to him about this without sounding judgmental? Any help would be greatly appreciated. -- Drive Slow Homie, Port Chester, New York

DEAR DRIVE SLOW HOMIE: It is hard for people to have perspective when they are caught up in the moment. This means that your friend may not hear you until after the damage is done, but you can try. Ask him to get together. Check in to find out how your friend is doing and where his head is. Remind him of how happy you are for him that he accepted who he is and sought to explore that. Tell him that you are concerned that he is not being responsible to his body or to his reputation by his current behavior. Just go for it. Tell him you know he may get mad, but that you care about him enough to tell him the truth. Suggest that he take a step back to think about what his actions are saying about him and if he believes that the message matches his intention.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started going out with this beautiful, intelligent and adventurous woman. Things started out well. However, she has one habit that is becoming a growing concern for me. She seems to have this need to incessantly badmouth her ex.

I understand that breakups can be bad, but this is starting to become more than uncomfortable. I've talked to her about this, and she said she would be careful to not talk about him. That lasted about a week. I'm starting to think she's not really over him, and I would hate to waste my time pursuing something she isn't ready for. Do you think I should try to press the issue, or do you think it may be time for me to move along? -- No Focus, Dallas

DEAR NO FOCUS: The next time your girlfriend utters anything about her ex, jump in and tell her that you don't want to know any more about him. Stop her, and make it clear that you care a lot about her and want to get to know her better, but that you feel she is stuck on her ex. Ask her to share with you about who she is, her life, beyond her ex. Add that if she feels she is not yet over him, you will step aside until she is ready. Make it clear that there is no room in your relationship for her ex to have an ongoing role.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a hostess at a restaurant. I am 25. I work very close to a 50-and-over community that does not allow children. Many of the women complain to me about the temperature in the restaurant. Occasionally, they will admit that they are going through menopause, and other times they will skirt around the topic. I receive many complaints about the heat of the restaurant. It'll be too hot, too cold, and then too hot again. The women from this community are, quite frankly, snobs, and they expect everyone to accommodate them. These complaints about temperature have gotten so common that my manager tells me not to bring them to him.

I don't want to lie to customers by saying I'll ask to get the temperature changed, but I also don't want to constantly bother my boss. This is a good job and gives me a great amount of spending money. I don't want to get fired, but I need to find a way to please everyone. -- You're Hot and You're Cold, Boston

DEAR YOU'RE HOT AND YOU'RE COLD: You have many years before you have to face the physical and emotional changes that menopause brings, and this can make these women's situations difficult to understand. Your customers may be snobs, but there is a good chance that they are actually just really uncomfortable. Since they believe that this restaurant caters to them and is part of their community, they feel entitled to speak up about the temperature.

Furthermore, there's a good chance they don't realize that it is their body temperatures that are fluctuating rather than that of the restaurant. I highly recommend that you speak to them in comforting terms, tell them you will check the temperature and adjust moderately. Ask your boss only when tempers escalate.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started dating a man with a now-6-year-old daughter about two years ago. I was introduced to the daughter eight months in, and everything was going well. Recently, he has been trying to encourage her to call me "Mom." The daughter's birth mother died due to complications with the pregnancy, so I know this is not an intentionally spiteful move, but it still makes me uncomfortable. We're not married, and even if we were, I would not want my children calling anyone else Mom, even if I was deceased.

I worry that bringing this up to my boyfriend may cause unnecessary arguments or make him doubt my commitment to this relationship. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need to? How can I talk to him without making this an ordeal? -- Not Mommy Dearest, Oakland, California

DEAR NOT MOMMY DEAREST: You are not wrong to want to move carefully into family mode with this child. You should not be "Mom" until you are "wife" first, in my way of thinking. Honestly, the moniker Mom is even more delicate than wife or husband, because two consenting adults enter into those terms consciously.

Suggest to your boyfriend that you are happy to be important in his daughter's life but that you do not want to be considered Mom until you two are clear on your path, and only if she wants to call you that. Otherwise, you can come up with a neutral love name.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a white best friend growing up in our small town. We were close throughout high school, but we lost contact during college. After 15 years apart, we recently reconnected through Facebook. It was like old times again. That is, until about a month ago. He recently posted a meme that pointed out the differences in how police handle black suspects versus white suspects, accompanied by a horribly racist tirade.

I found myself shocked and disgusted. I immediately canceled our scheduled meetup, but I did not give him the real reason why. I just wanted to break away quietly. However, he does not seem satisfied with my explanation and has been pushing me for the real answer. Do you think I should write him back and tell him the real reason why, or should I just block him and avoid this matter altogether? -- Ebony, Not Ivory, Atlanta

DEAR EBONY, NOT IVORY: You definitely should tell your friend the truth. The fact that you were friends years ago means that you had a true bond. Time has passed, but he clearly still respects your opinion. Use your connection to educate him. Since he has been persistent, admit that this is a difficult conversation for you to have, but you are prepared to have it. Then, specifically tell him what upset you. Be as detailed as you can so that there is no question about what your thoughts are. Give context to help best paint the picture. Let him know that his comments crossed the line into offensive. Make it clear to him where you think that line begins.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a woman in my 50s with a younger boyfriend. I am still very active and consider myself young at heart. My boyfriend is in his late 20s, and I am feeling conflicted about what to do. We have been dating for a year and are having a great time enjoying each other's company. We truly do have compatible souls; however, it is evident that we are in different places in life. He wants to have children and settle down at some point in his future, and I cannot provide that for him. We have talked about this topic openly, but never about what our next steps are.

I love my boyfriend and our relationship dearly. He helps me stay in touch with my younger, wild side. Am I leading him on even if he knows I have no intention of settling down? Some of my friends say to let him go live his life as a regular 27-year-old. -- Young at Heart, Denver

DEAR YOUNG AT HEART: You have to decide what you can handle in a long-term relationship with him. I have a friend who is already a mother, and she has a beau 20 years her junior. She recently told me that their agreement is that she is No. 1, although he can have other liaisons if he chooses. He just has to make sure that the terms of engagement are clear for everyone. How does that work when one has a child with someone? That could be very difficult. Ultimately, if you two are honest about your relationship as it evolves, truly honest, you can determine if and when it ends or you two decide to stay the course.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)