DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a hostess at a restaurant. I am 25. I work very close to a 50-and-over community that does not allow children. Many of the women complain to me about the temperature in the restaurant. Occasionally, they will admit that they are going through menopause, and other times they will skirt around the topic. I receive many complaints about the heat of the restaurant. It'll be too hot, too cold, and then too hot again. The women from this community are, quite frankly, snobs, and they expect everyone to accommodate them. These complaints about temperature have gotten so common that my manager tells me not to bring them to him.

I don't want to lie to customers by saying I'll ask to get the temperature changed, but I also don't want to constantly bother my boss. This is a good job and gives me a great amount of spending money. I don't want to get fired, but I need to find a way to please everyone. -- You're Hot and You're Cold, Boston

DEAR YOU'RE HOT AND YOU'RE COLD: You have many years before you have to face the physical and emotional changes that menopause brings, and this can make these women's situations difficult to understand. Your customers may be snobs, but there is a good chance that they are actually just really uncomfortable. Since they believe that this restaurant caters to them and is part of their community, they feel entitled to speak up about the temperature.

Furthermore, there's a good chance they don't realize that it is their body temperatures that are fluctuating rather than that of the restaurant. I highly recommend that you speak to them in comforting terms, tell them you will check the temperature and adjust moderately. Ask your boss only when tempers escalate.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started dating a man with a now-6-year-old daughter about two years ago. I was introduced to the daughter eight months in, and everything was going well. Recently, he has been trying to encourage her to call me "Mom." The daughter's birth mother died due to complications with the pregnancy, so I know this is not an intentionally spiteful move, but it still makes me uncomfortable. We're not married, and even if we were, I would not want my children calling anyone else Mom, even if I was deceased.

I worry that bringing this up to my boyfriend may cause unnecessary arguments or make him doubt my commitment to this relationship. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need to? How can I talk to him without making this an ordeal? -- Not Mommy Dearest, Oakland, California

DEAR NOT MOMMY DEAREST: You are not wrong to want to move carefully into family mode with this child. You should not be "Mom" until you are "wife" first, in my way of thinking. Honestly, the moniker Mom is even more delicate than wife or husband, because two consenting adults enter into those terms consciously.

Suggest to your boyfriend that you are happy to be important in his daughter's life but that you do not want to be considered Mom until you two are clear on your path, and only if she wants to call you that. Otherwise, you can come up with a neutral love name.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a white best friend growing up in our small town. We were close throughout high school, but we lost contact during college. After 15 years apart, we recently reconnected through Facebook. It was like old times again. That is, until about a month ago. He recently posted a meme that pointed out the differences in how police handle black suspects versus white suspects, accompanied by a horribly racist tirade.

I found myself shocked and disgusted. I immediately canceled our scheduled meetup, but I did not give him the real reason why. I just wanted to break away quietly. However, he does not seem satisfied with my explanation and has been pushing me for the real answer. Do you think I should write him back and tell him the real reason why, or should I just block him and avoid this matter altogether? -- Ebony, Not Ivory, Atlanta

DEAR EBONY, NOT IVORY: You definitely should tell your friend the truth. The fact that you were friends years ago means that you had a true bond. Time has passed, but he clearly still respects your opinion. Use your connection to educate him. Since he has been persistent, admit that this is a difficult conversation for you to have, but you are prepared to have it. Then, specifically tell him what upset you. Be as detailed as you can so that there is no question about what your thoughts are. Give context to help best paint the picture. Let him know that his comments crossed the line into offensive. Make it clear to him where you think that line begins.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a woman in my 50s with a younger boyfriend. I am still very active and consider myself young at heart. My boyfriend is in his late 20s, and I am feeling conflicted about what to do. We have been dating for a year and are having a great time enjoying each other's company. We truly do have compatible souls; however, it is evident that we are in different places in life. He wants to have children and settle down at some point in his future, and I cannot provide that for him. We have talked about this topic openly, but never about what our next steps are.

I love my boyfriend and our relationship dearly. He helps me stay in touch with my younger, wild side. Am I leading him on even if he knows I have no intention of settling down? Some of my friends say to let him go live his life as a regular 27-year-old. -- Young at Heart, Denver

DEAR YOUNG AT HEART: You have to decide what you can handle in a long-term relationship with him. I have a friend who is already a mother, and she has a beau 20 years her junior. She recently told me that their agreement is that she is No. 1, although he can have other liaisons if he chooses. He just has to make sure that the terms of engagement are clear for everyone. How does that work when one has a child with someone? That could be very difficult. Ultimately, if you two are honest about your relationship as it evolves, truly honest, you can determine if and when it ends or you two decide to stay the course.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been going through a divorce for four years. My future ex-husband and I fight about everything. If it's not child support, it's living situations or seemingly anything. My best friend Jenna's marriage fell apart at the same time as mine, and her divorce has been finalized for over two years. The entire process was quick for her, she says, because she approached her divorce like a business.

This is hurtful to me because it seems like she is implying that I am drawing mine out for the sake of feelings. My entire divorce is messy, and I am jealous of Jenna's divorce, but I don't think she has the right to judge how my process is going. I stay quiet about my proceedings, but Jenna continues to ask. How do I tell her to butt out of my business? I don't need her judging tones regarding my divorce. -- Butt Out, Dallas

DEAR BUTT OUT: Jenna probably doesn't realize that she's passing judgment on you. Chances are, she thinks she is helping you by urging you on. Sit down and tell her that her constant questioning makes you uncomfortable. Admit that your prolonged divorce proceedings make you miserable, and her comments make you feel judged. Ask her to lighten up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student at a state school. I go here because of the affordable tuition, but some attend because of the excellent academics. This isn't to say I don't appreciate the academics; I just didn't have the option to pick an out-of-state or private university.

A girl who runs in the same circle as me is, for lack of a better word, a spoiled brat. She has her own car, her own apartment and all the funds she ever needs. Sometimes I wish I were in her shoes, but she loses friends because of the way she acts about her belongings. For example, she'll complain that her mother "only" gave her $300 in spending money for the week. That's more than I could even spend in a month! She'll complain that no one is fun because they can't go to the same expensive concert as her or shop till they drop at the mall.

She has noticed that she is losing friends and has turned to me as her confidant because no one else will listen. She's really confused as to why she turns other people off. Should I just be blunt with her and tell her people don't like her because she's a brat? -- Truth Police, Syracuse, New York

DEAR TRUTH POLICE: Since this girl has asked for your honest assessment, tell her what you think. Frame it as your observation of her ostentatious behavior. Tell her that the way she brags about her wealth makes you uncomfortable and probably makes others antsy, too. Tell her that not every student has the same level of privilege she has, and her constant flaunting of her financial abundance is a turn-off. Suggest that she try to make friends just by getting to know people rather than buying a good time.

(Harriette Cole is a life stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)