DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the past three years, I've dated four guys. Each time, it was fairly casual -- or that's how it seemed to me. However, a few of them were ready to commit to being in a relationship.

When I looked back at each situation, I tried to analyze what was missing for me from each of these relationships and came to the conclusion that what was missing was chemistry. I am a practical person, but when it comes to relationships, the chemistry has always had to be there. I am getting older and don't want to end up alone, and I am starting to reconsider my stance.

What are your thoughts on the importance of chemistry in a relationship? Should I keep it on my list as a requirement, or am I just being irresponsible at this point? -- Made to Love, Dalllas

DEAR MADE TO LOVE: I recently met a woman who has been married for more than 30 years, thanks to an arranged marriage, a common experience in her culture. She described a happy, healthy life that she has had with her husband and family, one that was built on trust that her parents selected the right partner for her, coupled with the commitment that people marry for life.

In American culture, especially now, the mores are different. People fall in and out of love and do not necessarily think a relationship will last unless the fires are forever burning. I believe reality lives somewhere in between for most of us. Instead of searching for chemistry, write a list of attributes and interests that you find important in a life partner. The list can include anything from sense of humor to responsibility to devotion to family. Avoid physical features, which change over time. But you can add attributes about how you feel when you are with him. Be open to a partner who shares your values about life, love and commitment. Then welcome the chemistry in!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in a three-level house that was made into several apartments, and while I love my neighbors, I have an issue. We don't live on a really dangerous street, but it's not all peaches and cream. Despite that, my downstairs neighbors insist on leaving the door unlocked when they take a trip to the store down the street. Recently, a random person tried to break into my apartment while my neighbors were on one of their quick trips. We spoke about this, and my neighbors agreed to not leave the door open, which worked for a few months.

Recently, I've noticed my neighbors have gone back to their old habits, and I want to know what I should do. Should I try to talk to them again, or should I go over their heads? I would hate to do that, but I need to feel safe. -- How Did You Get Here, Philadelphia

DEAR HOW DID YOU GET HERE: Go directly to your landlord and explain the situation. Ask to have an automatic lock put on the outer door to the house. This will solve your problem, as it will require that every time the door closes, it will have to be reopened with a key.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My only child just turned 6. We just moved, and I put him in private school. Lately, he's been having trouble understanding why he doesn't look like his other classmates. He asks me constantly why is his skin darker and why doesn't their hair curl up even when it's wet? I told him that everyone comes from different backgrounds. The one we come from has a sad but courageous and interesting history. It also means that we're darker than some ethnicities. This school does have a majority of white and Southern American kids.

I don't want my baby questioning himself on a daily basis because nobody else looks like him. He tells me that he misses the previous school because the kids looked like him and everyone was "nice and brown like me." How do I get my son to love who he is and how he looks before this becomes a real identity issue? He needs to learn those developmental skills and how to deal with social issues like this. -- Schools and Social Issues, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SCHOOLS AND SOCIAL ISSUES: Teach your son about his cultural heritage, but without apology. Teach him stories of courage and strength. Tell him about your family heritage, and show him examples of people who look like him. Don't leave the school, but add extracurricular activities that put him in contact with people of your cultural background. You can round out his experience so he can feel safe and prosper.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is 17, turning 18 this July. Raising a teen in this day and age is difficult, especially with negative influences everywhere. I find it so hard to let her go out and be in the real world. I still make her come home by at least 8. She gets upset with me because as she puts it, "the party doesn't even start at 8. It starts at like 9. Everyone thinks I'm lame now."

I can't seem to let her go, though. She's my baby, my firstborn. It feels like I just had her and then I woke up today and she's on her way to graduating from high school. I'm not ready for her to become a woman yet. She tries to wear makeup. I shut that down. Only recently have I begun to let her do her eyebrows.

How do I let her grow up and into this young woman? In five months, whether I like it or not, she'll be heading to college. I want to learn how to let her grow up so that we can have a better relationship. -- Growing Pains, New York City

DEAR GROWING PAINS: Your job as a parent is to prepare your daughter to be independent. It's not too late to talk to her in that way. Admit that her growing up is hard for you and that you have not been handling it well. Tell her you want to be more accepting of her where she is. The best thing you can do is to try to get her to talk to you. Listen carefully, and attempt to not judge. Trust her ideas. Let her express them to you. Otherwise, you risk her being reckless when she leaves home.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always wanted to have a job that allows me to travel. I have found a student teaching program that would allow me to travel to Argentina and teach young students English. I was excited for this opportunity until I told my mother about the student teaching. She told me that I don't seem like I would be a good teacher yet, but that I would be ready in a few years.

This seriously crushed me, even though my mother emphasized that I would get to a good level one day. I didn't think I was unprepared for this venture, and my mother totally ruined my mood and is making me second-guess myself. Do I continue with my student teaching dream? My mother used to be a teacher herself. -- Going My Own Way, Cleveland

DEAR GOING MY OWN WAY: Who knows why your mother is a naysayer on this point? Rather than giving up, do some research. Contact the people who are organizing the program and learn about the qualifications. Assess with the organizers whether you are capable. Generally, these positions are filled by college students or recent college graduates. There is a very good chance you will do a fine job.

Your mother may be remembering her days as a teacher. She may even be unconsciously a bit envious about your opportunity. Love her and live your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am really butting heads with my fiance regarding planning our wedding. We have just gotten engaged and have a few years to go until the date itself. He is adamant about privacy in our wedding ceremony, and I think weddings should be the more the merrier. It seems like there is virtually no compromise between 50 and 400 guests. I want to start the conversation with my fiance now so we're both happy when our wedding day rolls around. How can I get him to be comfortable to have more guests at the wedding? I know I cannot get my guest list smaller. I have a big family! -- More Fun for Everyone, Seattle

DEAR MORE FUN FOR EVERYONE: This is an important topic for your life. Since you have a big family and are close to them, your wedding is only the first activity where there will likely be a big gathering. Continue to talk through your concepts about family and intimacy. One idea for a wedding compromise is to have a small ceremony with only immediate family, followed by a larger reception party with the whole group. That gets tricky when the guests you are talking about are actual family members, not friends or business associates.

Talk about each of your family traditions, how you gather, who pays for what normally. This is important because a wedding for 400 people will be costly. Chances are, you can shave off some guests without bruising too many feelings. You may even want to plan a destination wedding, which naturally makes the group smaller. Good luck.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)