DEAR HARRIETTE: My home is on Long Island, and I have a small beach as part of my backyard. The sand is my property, and I enjoy spending time on the beach. I also invite my children and grandchildren to come together and play on the beach.

My friend's sister recently passed away and was cremated. I know this friend from a mahjong group I am in. I would not consider us particularly close, but she called me today and asked if she could scatter her sister's ashes on my beach. Her sister loved the beach, and my friend wanted to do it in a private place without scantily clad onlookers.

This request makes me very uncomfortable. The thought of having my grandchildren play on someone's ashes is honestly vile to me. I was given as much time as I need to think it over, and I just cannot think of what to say. I cannot have ashes scattered on my property, but I also cannot reveal my insensitive reasons as to why I don't want them scattered. What should I say when I call her back? -- No Good Spirits, Roosevelt, New York

DEAR NO GOOD SPIRITS: Your friend knew that she was making a big ask, and you do not have to agree. Indeed, you can tell her the truth -- you feel uncomfortable about her sister's remains being spread where your grandchildren play. Tell her you have great respect for the departed and know that she is doing her best to honor her sister's life.

You may want to suggest that she select her sister's favorite beach and then go there early in the morning and before the season starts to avoid having any company at all.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends has a religious room in her house. At a get-together she threw recently, she asked that only those who are of her religion come in the room or pass through. I applaud her for having a beautiful and sacred space in her home. From what I've seen, the room is spectacular.

I understand why I have never been invited in, and I give her the right to do whatever she wants in her own home. However, some guests were rubbed the wrong way and do not want to return to her home. People were saying she should've closed off the room if she didn't want to risk those who belong to other religions in it. Others have thought that she did this to brag and create an air of mystery regarding her prayer room.

I have heard a lot of flack, and I consider myself close to her. I don't want to come off as bitter, but I want to warn her about what people have been saying. Since I don't have a problem with not being let into the religious room, should I keep my mouth shut? -- Not My Territory, Denver

DEAR NOT MY TERRITORY: Since you are aware of the concern but not affected by it, you may be the perfect person to bring it up to your friend. My recommendation would be for her to close the door and open it only when her guests all share her faith. Otherwise, she is creating an awkward situation. Let her know that some guests were uncomfortable, and suggest that she be more mindful of when she reveals her sacred space.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently did the unthinkable. My friend and his girlfriend have been in a rocky relationship for two years now. They always come to me to fix their problems. Lately, it's gotten really bad. His girlfriend feels as though she should be entitled to his money, since he wants to be the breadwinner of the house and makes more than her. He doesn't agree. By "breadwinner," he means he wants to pay all the bills. He feels that her personal expenses (hair, nails, makeup, clothes, shoes, etc.) should be bought by herself unless he gives her a gift. He told me that ever since he said he wanted to be the breadwinner, she got lazy. She didn't want to work anymore and was fine with him having to pay for everything. He wants the feisty, independent girl he fell for back.

Last night she kicked him out, and he came to stay at my place. As we're talking about their issues he looked at me and said, "You depend on a man for nothing. Always getting what's yours and working toward what you want. I love that about you." In the midst of a simple thank you, he kissed me, and now I'm waking up next to my best friend with no clothes on. I hate that I actually engaged in sex with him, knowing he has a girlfriend. I feel bad that even though he started it, I didn't stop him. I don't know if it's because I just wanted him to feel better, or if I actually wanted it as bad as he did. If it's the latter, I'm afraid I won't be able to control myself around him anymore.

How do we discuss what happens from here? I don't want to rush into a relationship with him over one night of vulnerable sex. -- At a Crossroads, Philadelphia

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: Take a step back and think about what values you and your friend share. He wants to be the breadwinner; he likes an independent woman. There is potential conflict in his stance. Translation: He may not be the man for you, regardless of his girlfriend. Figure out your sincere interest. Next, talk to him. Let him know you regret taking that action at a vulnerable point for both of them. Explain that if you two are ever to be more than friends, he has to be available. You will not cross that line again unless you are both free to go there. If you choose to just be friends, figure out how to do that together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I can't get my husband to go to the doctor. He has always been a strong and healthy man with good habits. However, he recently started getting random sharp pains in his chest. They last only a split second, and they tend to happen at random. At least, that's what he's said to me. I want him to go to the doctor to check it out, but he does not seem to think of it as a big deal. How can I convince him to take this seriously? -- Supportive Wife, Stubborn Husband, Detroit

DEAR SUPPORTIVE WIFE, STUBBORN HUSBAND: Look up information online about causes of chest pain and show him what you find. Remind him how much you love him and how devastated you would be if anything happened to him. Appeal to his love for you as a reason to get a checkup.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Ten months ago, my girlfriend said that she was pregnant. It would be my first child, so as you can imagine, I was ecstatic and anxious. I loved her. Although this child wasn't planned and came out of the blue, I was going to stay by her side and raise our baby.

I was seriously devoted. I attended every single checkup, ultrasound, pregnancy class, etc. I think I brought everything as far as necessities went for the baby. I attended the baby shower, proud that in a few months, I would be welcoming my firstborn into the world. As I thought more about it, though, it didn't add up. The time we had sex and the time she conceived weren't adding up.

I pushed my insecurities to the side. I still went into the delivery room and held her hand. But once my son was born, I just felt funny. I should have been happy, over the moon, overjoyed -- but I wasn't. I knew why. I couldn't ignore it anymore. So I had a paternity test done while she was at work. A couple of weeks ago, the results came in the mail, giving me the worst news of my life: My son is not mine. I am only 19 percent likely to be his father. That means some other man is walking this Earth 80 percent likely his daddy.

I couldn't believe it. I loved her so much. I don't know how to accept it, and I hate her for doing this. What's worse, I hate the kid. I hate him with every fiber in my being. I can't even look at him. My now-ex-girlfriend confessed to it and left. She came back last night, saying that the real father won't accept them and doesn't believe her, basically leaving her with no place to stay.

I could be that guy and let her stay with me, but I don't want to. I don't want to be nice and thoughtful. Where was her thoughtfulness when she slept with another man and hid the truth from me for 10 months? What happened to her loyalty then? I hate them so much, but I know my mother raised me better. What do I do? Do I let her stay with me and live hating her and this kid? Or do I tell her to kick rocks? I've never been in this type of situation, and honestly I don't want her back. I just feel like it would be a lot of drama and stress if I let her back in. -- Hateful and Resenting, New Brunswick, New Jersey

DEAR HATEFUL AND RESENTING: Your hurt is raw right now, and perfectly understandable. While at the moment you feel duped and outraged, I recommend that you meditate on this. You did claim this child as your own. Since the birth father will not acknowledge him, you may want to think about reclaiming him. That doesn't mean you have to build a relationship with her, although you could possibly forgive her over time. Think about the child with love, even though it's tough today. The child is innocent and deserves love and protection. He could still be your child if you choose to love him despite the deceit that brought him into the world.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)