DEAR HARRIETTE: I send care packages filled with all kinds of clothes and other goodies to my family members down south. It gives me great joy to put together these boxes, even though most of them are so-called hand-me-downs. My husband and I figured that we were giving away old clothes and electronics to charity when we could give them to family who would benefit from them. The weird thing is that they rarely let us know that they got the packages, let alone if they liked anything. I sent a text the other day just to check on whether my family received the most recent box and got an earful about how much fun it was to open and figure out what each of them wanted. How can I get them to say they got the package at the very least? Their indifference makes me want to just send to charity again. -- Ungrateful, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR UNGRATEFUL: Be direct with your family. Tell them that you enjoy sending them care packages but you need to know that they have received them. Ask them to agree to let you know when the packages arrive. If they fail to do so, you can decide how to proceed. Even charities say thank you, so you are not wrong to expect an acknowledgment of receipt.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriends and I can meet up only once or twice a year -- if we're lucky -- so we take our yearly vacation to Miami very seriously. I struggled financially this past year due to my husband and me being unexpectedly laid off. When my friends learned of this, they pulled together to pay for my ticket. Thankfully, I have now been chosen for a new opportunity that's even better than the last one. The problem is they need me to start the week we had scheduled the retreat, and we are less than two weeks out from the trip. I spent so much time looking for a job that I know it would be foolish for me to pass this up. However, the last thing I want to do is screw my friends out of the money they spent on me. How can I break it to them without damaging my friendships? -- Double-Edged Sword, Dallas

DEAR DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD: This is a tricky situation. I would first ask the new employer if there's any chance you can start one week later. You can explain that you have planned a trip for quite some time that is already paid for. If they would allow it, you would greatly appreciate being able to honor the commitment you have made. Obviously, make it clear that you are not making an ultimatum. You are simply telling them the truth. You never know what they may say.

If the answer is no, go to your friends and tell them the truth. While they will be disappointed, they surely will have to understand. What you then should try to do is get a refund for the ticket, or, at the very least, get the airline to give you a credit so that the ticket isn't totally wasted. You will have to apologize profusely, but after a while, your friends should be able to accept the bittersweet reality of your good fortune. When you can, be sure to pay them back.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My neighbor has a passion for weird pets. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but my neighbor also can't keep her animals contained. She has a couple of swans that wander outdoors. The rest of her animals stay in the house. I've come out to my backyard and been faced with angry swans trying to attack me! This has probably happened a dozen times. At first, I ignored it. Eventually, I called her to shepherd her swans away from my property. She asked me to never call animal control, and said that she'd always be willing to come and collect them. My wife and children are faced with them, too, and the birds have already bitten my wife. I want to maintain a relationship with my neighbor, but I cannot have her birds running about biting my family! How can I get the swans away and stay cordial with my neighbor? -- Scary Swans, Stamford, Connecticut

DEAR SCARY SWANS: Swans are not necessarily weird, but they aren't really pets either. They are wild birds that cannot readily be tamed. This means that your friend either needs to figure out a way to contain them in her yard or face dealing with the authorities. Because swans can fly, a fence won't prevent them from entering your property, though it could dissuade them from turning in your direction.

You can ask your neighbor to try a tall fence to steer the swans in another direction. Tell her that one of her swans has bitten your wife and you feel unsafe. Make it clear that if she cannot contain the birds, you will have no choice but to call the authorities.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met my current husband of 12 years through an affair. This happened 15 years ago, and I thought this was all well behind me. At the time I knew it was a bit of a scandal, but I assumed everyone got over it. Recently, I was grilled by one of my friends on how I met my husband. I became visibly uncomfortable and tried to work around the question, but she wasn't having it! It was clear I did not want to talk about how I met my husband. Later, I found out she didn't know how my husband and I met, but I still think it was invasive of her to ask. You don't know everyone's stories! My feelings are hurt that she kept insisting to know how we met, and I want to talk to her about her behavior. I know it is silly to try to ban everyone from asking how people met, but I don't want people asking me this. What can I say to my nosy friend? -- Least Favorite Topic, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR LEAST FAVORITE TOPIC: First, please know that it is common for people to ask how couples met. It is not an invasive question. It's more like an icebreaker that most people feel comfortable answering. You and your husband may want to think of a way to tell your story that excludes the scandal of it. But don't penalize your friend for her innocence.

While you have made peace with your choice from many years ago, it is not fair for you to have hurt feelings over someone outing your past action that directly affects your status today. Don't confront her. Let it go.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am planning a trip sailing around the Caribbean with five other couples. My children could not go on this trip, so most of the couples understood and are excited that we're having an adults-only trip. The wife of one of my friends has been emailing me to see if her college-aged son can come on the trip. She argues that he's not a child and needs something to do because he'll have a break from school. Honestly, I don't like the kid in the first place, but I especially don't want this delinquent ruining the adults-only theme. I have been repeating that this is an adults-only trip while the mother reiterates that her son is an adult. She's not getting the hint. How do I tell her that her son is not welcome on this trip? -- Grown-Ups Only, Newark, New Jersey

DEAR GROWN-UPS ONLY: Start with compassion. If your children were available to go, you would be speaking very differently about this cruise. The fact that you don't want this woman's son to participate should not negate the sensitivity that the moment calls for. Her son is available to attend; otherwise, he will be alone.

Knowing this, you can still tell her that her son is not welcome, that the invited group represents the adult peers and no children, regardless of their age. You can acknowledge, too, that you understand that she may not be able to attend if she feels her son will want or need to be with her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother likes my sister and me to write thank-you notes for practically everything. I understand that these notes are seen as polite, but I think she's just trying to impress her new boyfriend by having us be proper. I've had to write a thank-you note thanking her boyfriend and his family for coming to dinner at our house! I feel that is excessive, but I admit I don't know how far the rules regarding thank-you notes extend. Do you write a thank-you note only after a gift has been given to you? This is what I originally thought, but after writing thank-you notes for practically everything, I realize I may be wrong. -- So Very Thankful, Providence, Rhode Island

DEAR SO VERY THANKFUL: Your mother certainly does tend toward the extreme when it comes to the thank-you note. Historically, when someone came to your home for dinner, it was considered good manners for the guest to write what was called a "bread-and-butter note" the next day to say thank you for the hospitality. It is not expected for the host to send a note, although it is friendly to do so.

In your mother's defense, expressing gratitude is always a good idea. Given what you think is a hidden agenda, you may want to ask her to lighten up. Tell her that you would like to get to know her boyfriend in an organic way, rather than what feels like trying to impress him.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)