DEAR HARRIETTE: My job involves selling medical supplies. I travel to nursing homes, speak to various people and then report to the building supervisor what employees or elderly people want.

There are times when I'm speaking to elderly people or seeing someone using a product that I can't tell if that person is a man or a woman. I know people can choose to identify as whatever gender they choose, but I cannot find a way around this dilemma. I have tried saying, "I saw a person using such-and-such equipment," and I'm always asked if it's a man or a woman (for clarity reasons).

I understand the need to collect data on which supplies are used where, but I could never imagine myself walking up to someone and asking what gender they are. I feel like that would cause offense! How can I navigate around this gender question? I genuinely cannot tell the gender of the people I interact with sometimes! -- Gender Bender, Pikesville, Maryland

DEAR GENDER BENDER: I can see how sensitive this could be. One potential way to gather information without offending anyone would be to strike up a conversation with the people you are observing and introduce yourself. You can follow by asking them to share their names. Often, you can tell someone's gender based upon his or her name. This will at least give you more data for your company. Under no means should you ask someone to clarify what gender he or she is. That would be rude and disconcerting.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Living in a small town definitely has its disadvantages, especially when dating. My parents sometimes end up going to the exact same place as me on a date! They claim this is an accident, and it is plausible, since there are only a handful of places to go on a date. My friends, however, think my parents go to the same places to spy on me. I always tell them where I am going, but it's so frustrating to be on a date in a restaurant with your parents 50 feet away!

I am 17 and have been going on dates with a girl I really like. I do not want my parents to creep her out. Should I start lying about where I am going? I jokingly told them I was going to "ground" them whenever I go out to dinner, and my mother was very hurt. -- No Double-Dating, Bumpass, Virginia

DEAR NO DOUBLE-DATING: It is perfectly reasonable for you to wish your parents would not dine at the restaurant where you are bringing your date. Rather than resorting to lying, sit down with your parents and have a serious conversation with them. Remind them how much you respect them, and thank them for preparing you to be independent. Explain that you need space when you go out with your girlfriend and that it is uncomfortable to have your parents sitting nearby. Ask them to trust you. You can also stop telling them where you are going. Just tell them you are going on a date.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends really embarrassed me at a joint lunch I was having. She brought up something I assumed I told her in confidence, only to find out she had told other people. I then had a talk with her, and I feel like it didn't help anything. She has too hard of a time saying "I'm sorry." She does not feel as though she did anything wrong, and she accused me of wanting to talk about the embarrassing moment again because I told her how she offended me! She told me I can tell one of her secrets if I so please, but I am just so bothered by the fact that she won't admit her wrongdoing. If I tell her what I want her to say, it will be moot because I know she won't mean it. Should I just blab about a faux pas of hers? I want to be even with her, and since she won't apologize, I feel like this is all I can do. -- Eye for an Eye, Dallas

DEAR EYE FOR AN EYE: Rather than trying to get even, you should try to learn a lesson here. If you do not want someone to repeat a confidence, keep it to yourself. This is much easier said than done. The truth is, though, that the only way you can be assured that your secrets are safe is to never speak them. Shy of that, you must choose more carefully whom to tell your innermost thoughts. Do not pick someone who is a talker. Chatty people chat and often reveal other people's private stories on accident.

Let go of your desire to get her to apologize. What's done is done. Just remember not to tell her any more secrets. And do not tell any of hers. That will not be satisfying for anyone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother passed away last year at the age of 74. I am in my 40s, and both of my children are independent and mostly out of the nest. After my mother's passing, I noticed my aunt, my mother's sister, become more integrated into the family. I didn't think much of it, but I now realize my aunt has essentially assumed my mother's position and brought a lot of the extended family together. Although I enjoy the newfound community we have formed, it bothers me that my aunt is trying to step in as a mother and grandmother figure to our family. I do not want her to ever replace my mother or think she has the power to do this. How can I thank her for bringing the family together after all of this time, but also ask her to stop trying to fill in the spots where my mother used to be? -- No Need for Replacements, Atlanta

DEAR NO NEED FOR REPLACEMENTS: You know in your heart what role your mother had in your life. Your aunt cannot fill that role, so there is no need for you to point that out. It will only prove hurtful to her. Instead, focus on the positive. Thank her for her love and support and for bringing the family together. Enjoy her for who she is.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister has battled cancer twice. She is healthy now, but both diagnoses were shocking to the family, and we are so grateful she is with us today. My mother wants to have every family member's blood tested to see if there are any other indications of disease that we do not yet know about. Everyone is for this except for my sister. She believes that everyone is going to die and constantly thinking about mortality doesn't allow you to live your life to the fullest. She is a grown woman who has been impossible to convince. My mother is now fighting with my sister because my mother thinks she has the right to know if my sister has a high probability of becoming sick again. People are choosing sides; although I think my sister should give us peace of mind and take the test, I don't think attacking her is the way to do it. How can I step in and smooth this whole thing over? -- Testy Family, Salt Lake City

DEAR TESTY FAMILY: It is understandable that your mother wants to figure out how to gain control over what must be the scariest challenge your family could imagine. And yet your sister is the one who has been battling the disease. She has every right not to want to undergo more tests. Your mother should give her some space. Chances are, your sister's doctors have checked her for most illnesses through the course of treating her.

You can talk to your mother and ask her to stop pressing your sister about this test. Whoever agrees to take the test can share the results with her. Recommend to your mother that she support your healing sister by giving her space.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in my mid-20s, and my parents divorced a few years ago. I wasn't incredibly crushed because I haven't lived at home for years, and I knew they didn't get along at all toward the end. I have come to love seeing my mother following this split. She is smiling, has beautifully decorated her apartment and appears as though life has been breathed into her. I feel guilty because I avoid seeing my father. I feel as though I can't relate to him after the divorce. Growing up, he was always the man on the couch watching football and drinking a beer. I tend to never do that in my own life. I don't feel stuck in the middle, but I do feel guilty that I am not as drawn to visit my father as I am drawn my mother. When my brother asks me why I haven't seen our father as much, I use the excuse that I am the child and the adult should reach out. Should I feel so guilty about not seeing my father often? I have never enjoyed sports and beer, and it's hard to get him to do much else in his off time. -- Favorite Parent, Winston-Salem, North Carolia

DEAR FAVORITE PARENT: Sometimes when couples break up, one thrives and the other does not. Your father may not be happy in his life right now. While his happiness is not your responsibility, your bond with him is at least partly your duty. Make the effort to check in with him more often. Invite him to go out with you on occasion. You may be able to cultivate a meaningful relationship over time.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)