DEAR HARRIETTE: Relationships never seemed to work for me. I don't really know why, but at some point or another, the guy and I would drift. After that, it'd be over. I'm tired of this pattern. I want a guy who stays and loves me unconditionally. About two months ago, I met a guy. He's tall, smart, thoughtful, has a great sense of humor, etc. -- all the components of the perfect guy. I'm more than sure that this is my "one." This is the guy who's going to stop the pattern and finally give me the love I've been searching for. He's also the guy who happens to be my sister's boyfriend. I hate that it had to come down to this, but I feel like it's fate. He was put in my sister's life only so that he could meet me, his true love. I don't want to go behind my sister's back, but he's everything I ever wanted. I deserve him! The only tough part is deciding who to tell first. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my sister, but fate is fate. I also need to tell this guy how I feel. I know he feels the same, I see it in his eyes. Do I tell my sister first, or my crush? How do I let her know gently? I don't want to hurt anyone, but my heart can't ignore how it feels. -- Matters of the Heart, Los Angeles

DEAR MATTERS OF THE HEART: Do not act on this crush. No good will come of it. He is not available to be your perfect guy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live with my mom in Arizona. This would be fine, except that I don't care for her new boyfriend. He's very sarcastic, mean and angry. Every little thing my mom does wrong, she either gets cursed out or hit. I try to be the mediator in their arguments, but it just results in her boyfriend telling me to "stay in a child's place" and my mom yelling at me because I've "made him angrier." In two years, I'll finally be out of this house, but I don't want to leave my mom. How do I get her to see that this guy isn't "everything" and that he's no good for her? I want to help my mom, but she's not making this any easier. I want her to come with me so bad. What's worse is that I think she's pregnant. She's showing all the symptoms, and her boyfriend's been nicer lately. I honestly don't think a child should be brought into this, but my mom doesn't hear me. How can I get her to see that she doesn't have to settle for this? There's so much more to life. So many opportunities have gone down the drain due to her running behind this man. I just want her back to how she was before she even met him. -- Saving Mom, Dallas

DEAR SAVING MOM: You can tell your mother how much you love her and that you wish she would join you when you leave. You can also tell her that you want her to be happy, and that she deserves to be happy. You cannot force her to do anything, though.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been with my partner for seven years. We were young when we met, and my boyfriend did not want kids or marriage at the time. I always held out hope that he would change. As the years went by, I stuck to my desire for children and marriage, until recently when something changed within, and all I wanted was to stay with the love of my life. I no longer care about having children with him and just want to live the rest of my life with him. When I told my longtime boyfriend about my epiphany, he said he needs some space to think about what I said. What? I told him what he's wanted to hear all of these years, and now he needs space? What can I say to him? I feel like I've done everything he's asked for now that I am not pushing for children and marriage. -- Not Enough, Scarsdale, New York

DEAR NOT ENOUGH: It sounds like your boyfriend may be prepared to make good on the promise he made to you from the start: namely, that he really isn't into commitment. I was taught years ago to believe people when they tell you things about themselves. It's unfortunate that you were willing to build a life with him despite his lack of interest in a committed relationship or desire to build a family. Because he has been with you for all of these years, it is understandable that you would believe that he intended to stay with you, albeit still following his rules. Your willingness now to acquiesce to his rules as long as you stay together has shaken him. It means that he has to evaluate how real your relationship is for him, and what he wants to do about it.

The good news is that you are soon to find out whether he wants to stick around. If he does come back to you, this time make sure that you create terms that satisfy both his needs and your own.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years. I love him so much. I'm actually surprised we lasted this long, considering that I didn't have an example of a successful relationship or marriage. Which brings me to my current problem: I love my boyfriend, and I know for a fact that he's the one for me. However, I don't know if I'm the one for him. My parents' marriage failed terribly. How can I be someone's wife if I've never seen what that is? We've been through so much in life. Together we pulled each other through it. I don't want to lose six years of loyalty, love and commitment because we couldn't have a successful marriage. I know that eventually he will ask me to marry him, but I'm not sure if I can be that wife. I want to be in his life forever; I want us to be able to make it as far as marriage. I'm just so fearful I won't be the wife he hoped for. So far I've just been winging it when it comes to our relationship, and he seems happy. But can you "wing" a marriage? -- Ready but Afraid, Montgomery, Alabama

DEAR READY BUT AFRAID: Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about your fears. Express your love for him and your desire to learn how to be a successful partner. The reality is that what you two need to do is to figure out how to care for each other. You can set your own roadmap and support each other along the way.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister suffers from some addiction issues and lives in the same county as me. There will occasionally be a headline in local newspapers about her and something that happened at a gas station, public park or school. This is incredibly embarrassing, but what is worse is being asked about her antics. Believe me, I have tried almost everything to have her get help or stay sober. She does not have much contact with my family, but whenever we see her, we pretend we haven't seen the headlines or heard the gossip. I need to find a way to draw the line about people asking me about my sister. I feel like all anyone wants is gossip. They don't care about how I am doing. What can I do to make people stop talking about my sister to me? They don't know what I go through, and I don't want to hear it. -- Family Shame, Denver

DEAR FAMILY SHAME: You can stop answering their questions. You can ask them to pray for your family and then change the subject. If they persist, ask them to respect your privacy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My grandpa has diabetes from his eating habits. He is supposed to be on a strict, regimented diet and my aunt hovers over him to make sure he sticks to it. Over the holiday season, I would see him head off, and if I followed him a little bit, I would see him practically inhale a whole slice of cake. I do not want to have to "tell" on my grandfather, but his behavior is seriously detrimental to his health. He is at the point of amputations because of his diet, and he doesn't seem to understand. I am sure this is not a once-yearly occurrence and that he frequently goes off eat sugary, unhealthy foods behind my aunt's back. Should I tell her what he is doing? -- He Is an Adult, Baltimore

DEAR HE IS AN ADULT: You can tell her if you feel compelled, but I'm sure your aunt already knows about your grandpa's behavior. One of the biggest challenges for many diabetics is controlling their sugar intake, even after they know that continuing those eating habits will likely cause amputations, blindness and death. What your aunt needs to do is figure out how to take care of herself through this difficult period. It would be wise for her to speak to your grandpa's doctors to learn of their expectations for his health. She should also find out if his insurance will cover a nursing home or elder care facility in case she can no longer care for him. Armed with all of the information that she can gather, she should talk to her father about the options for the future. While she is willing and able to care for him now, she can let him know where she might have to draw the line if she finds herself unable to be his caregiver. Knowing that your aunt is considering what to do when his condition worsens may wake him up.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)