DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the first of my longtime friends to be a mother, and I am having difficulty making new friends who understand motherhood while keeping up with the old ones. I've kept the same friends for over a decade, and we've always reminisced on college (or even high school) together; we love partying and being silly. In the past few years, I really feel as though I've grown up. My professional life has gotten to where I want it to be, I got married and I gave birth just a few months ago. Some of my friends are engaged, but for the most part, they claim they are enjoying their youth. I realize that my friends have no idea what I am going through, working and being a first-time parent AND making sure my husband and I carve out some time for ourselves. I am trying to make some new friends who are mothers, but I feel like I'm betraying my old friends. I still want to see my old friends and have a good time, but I am torn because I have no way to talk about my life with people who understand. What should I do? -- Stuck in the Middle, Seattle

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: Transitioning into this new station in life is naturally challenging. And you are doing the right thing by looking to connect with young married mothers who will have some sense of your daily life. This is important for your well-being. What's also wise is for you to understand who to talk to about what. Your friends from high school and college are not yet capable of talking to you about motherhood. Don't try to force that conversation with them, but you don't have to dump them, either. You will likely spend less time with them as you nurture your family. Do yourself a favor and stop feeling guilty. Do what you must to thrive, which includes expanding your friend pool.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I don't trust my daughter's ex-husband with my grandchildren. She has more parental rights than he does, but I find myself so nervous whenever my grandbabies spend the weekend with him. He has a history of substance abuse, but my daughter claims she knows her children are safe. Harriette, I've tried prying, but my daughter seems so certain and tells me to stop trying to make her nervous. He is supposedly sober and has been for months, but I just don't like them spending time with him unsupervised. Do you think I can invite myself over to his house and see how he's treating my grandchildren? I would never forgive myself if something happened to them under his watch. -- He's Not a Good Father, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR HE'S NOT A GOOD FATHER: Trust your instincts. If you want to stop by unannounced on one of his weekends, go for it. You should bring food for everyone or a game everyone can play -- something that shows your support. Even as you are suspicious, it is best to be supportive of him because he is their father. As long as he has the chance of interacting with them, you want him to welcome you into his life so that you can watch out for them. If you see evidence of abuse when you visit, be sure to tell your daughter and the police.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My uncle, who always used to be the life of the party and a fairly slim man, has turned into a total recluse and supposedly ballooned in weight after my aunt filed for divorce. I wouldn't know what he looks like because he doesn't want relatives coming over and seeing him. I miss him and worry this weight gain will have more damaging effects than he anticipated, like on his health and self-esteem. I thought about sending him a care package and a card so that he will still know we are thinking about him. My mother told me that sending a package is cold when we can just drive over and see him. I don't want to start a family feud, but I want to make sure my uncle is OK without overstepping his boundaries. Should I go behind my mother's back and send her brother a card? -- Missing Uncle, Roxbury, Mississippi

DEAR MISSING UNCLE: You should follow your heart. If you would like to send your uncle a card saying that you are thinking about him, go for it. Invite him to go out with you. Ask if he needs anything. As far as your mother is concerned, if she wants to go visit him, she can try that. If enough people reach out to your uncle during this stressful period, hopefully somebody will get through.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sisters and I have been thinking of going into business together. We have always talked about how fun it would be to have a family business, and now all of us have reached times in our lives where we are able to make this happen. I hate to be the secret Debbie Downer in all of this excitement, but I am not sure if this business venture will work out. The financial risk isn't horrible, and I don't want to be the only one out of four sisters to bow out of this family business. Also, if it turned out to be a success, I would never hear the end of it! I haven't shared my feelings with my family yet, but I have a 70 percent feeling that this venture isn't going to work. Should I just give some money to maintain family unity? I don't want to ostracize myself from my sisters. -- Sister Biz, Cincinnati

DEAR SISTER BIZ: Think of yourself as being practical. Rather than presenting as Debbie Downer, ask your sisters to have a meeting to discuss the business idea. During this meeting, express your doubts about the viability of the business. Be sure that you have more than your gut instinct to point to your concerns. Do your research so that you can present your concerns as objectively as possible. Ultimately, if your sisters decide to go ahead with the business, you will have to decide what you will do. If you are willing to lose a small amount of money as you show your support, contribute. If you are completely against the whole idea, don't.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. He's the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, and I'm very much in love. This year is our senior year, so we're excited about going out into the world and pursuing what we really love to do. I'm great with math, so my dream is to become an accountant. My boyfriend aspires to be a brain surgeon. I want to go to the best school for my career choice, which happens to be far away from my boyfriend's school. He's upset with me because there is an accounting major at his school, but it's not the best education I can get in my field. I don't want to force us into a long-distance relationship, but I do want the best education I can get. How do I get my boyfriend to understand that I want the best for myself? Does love mean that I choose him over my career? -- Stuck Between Work and Love, Miami

DEAR STUCK BETWEEN WORK AND LOVE: Sit down and map out a strategic plan for your lives together. Include your personal preferences and your desires as a couple. Review the pros and cons of everything. Yes, your boyfriend has his school of choice, which, by the way, is a long-term commitment. He will have to study for many years to become a doctor and then to become a brain surgeon. It is not unreasonable for you to be separated for a short period of time. You can go to graduate school and come back to wherever he will be -- and he will still be in school for years. Together, you can plan out regular visits and other ways to stay connected. If the two of you choose to share your lives for the long haul, you will have many challenging decisions to make. This may be your first.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband of 11 years passed away four years ago. I loved him dearly, and I never thought I could love again. I've been a single mom since, and I recently started seeing a co-worker. A few dates turned into a serious relationship. I can see myself with him for a long time. My 15-year-old daughter doesn't agree. My current boyfriend and she don't get along, mainly because my daughter refuses to be cordial with him. She sees our relationship as disrespectful to her dad, even though he's deceased. She feels as though if her dad was my soul mate, I shouldn't be with anyone else. Many times, publicly and privately, she's expressed these feelings about my boyfriend to me and others. Although he makes me happy, I've decided to take a break from my boyfriend in order to stop my daughter from acting out. How do I get my daughter to see that my boyfriend doesn't want to replace her dad? How do I help my daughter adjust? I love both of them dearly; I don't want to have to choose. -- Daughter Issues, West Hartford, Connecticut

DEAR DAUGHTER ISSUES: Rather than pausing your relationship, get some counseling. Your daughter is at a vulnerable time in her development. You can both benefit from professional counseling to deal with your grief and to learn healthy steps to move on with your lives. Include your boyfriend in counseling after the two of you get to solid ground.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)