life

Family Fights Over Finances

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 22nd, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family is fairly tight on money, and we argue about it a lot. I am away at school and get $125 a month for food because the budget is very tight. Sometimes I'll have my friends over, and my family will start fighting about money. I see how uncomfortable it makes my friends, but my mom and dad seem to have no regard as they scream at each other. I want to ask them to stop, but I know they'll snap at me and say I don't understand how bad our financial strain is. I have an unpaid internship because I am trying to better my resume before I graduate from school and begin the job search. I don't want more money from my parents; I just want them to stop broadcasting the family's financial problems to my friends. How can I get them to stop yelling about how poor we are? -- Short Budget, Port Chester, New York

DEAR SHORT BUDGET: Until your parents have a shift in their awareness around money, there is little chance that their financial situation is going to improve. One way to support a change in thinking is for you to learn about the Law of Attraction and share what you learn with them. Essentially, the law says that whatever you put out is what you get back. If you are constantly crying broke, you are inviting yourself to stay broke. If you speak about building wealth, you open up your mind and heart to new possibilities to attract wealth to you. There are many books that explore this philosophy. Pick one. Read it and share with your parents. As you practice this mindset, you will develop a better ability to share your transformation with them.

During this challenging period, don't have your friends over. Enjoy their company elsewhere.

Etiquette & EthicsMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Parents Need to Discuss Values About Raising Daughter

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 22nd, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 6-year-old daughter recently went to a birthday party, and she returned home sporting a pink manicure done by one of her friends. I was indifferent to this, seeing as I grew up in a family of mostly women and recall painting my younger relatives' nails from the age of 7 on. After our little Sofia showed off her nails to my husband, he freaked out! My husband is against our daughter painting her nails until she's 16. We had never spoken about nail polish in regards to raising our child, but I feel like this is totally ridiculous. He likens nail polish to ear piercings and maturity, while I think it's fun to experiment with colors. Nail polish isn't harmful, and it even helped me stop biting my nails. How can I compromise with him? He made my daughter take off the nail polish and is completely rejecting any of my suggestions to be reasonable. -- Nail Polish is OK, Melbourne, Florida

DEAR NAIL POLISH IS OK: Looks like you and your husband have some talking to do -- namely about your values regarding your daughter growing up. You must figure out where you stand on a host of topics -- from piercings and nail polish to dating and curfews. It's not too early to start having those discussions. You will quickly learn that you won't agree on every topic. That's natural. You will need to learn how to reach an agreement respectfully so that your child doesn't get confused.

Regarding the nail polish, tell your husband stories of your growing up and bonding around manicures. Point out that there is child-friendly, nontoxic polish available, which is wise to use on young hands. The jury is out as to whether nail polish is completely harmless, by the way.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Dad's Lack of Punctuality Starts Family Fights

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 21st, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father has horrible time management. This has affected birthdays, trips and family reunions. My family is always a little harsh on each other and tells it how it is, so his lateness is brought up when he forces everyone to wait around for hours. He then gets irrationally angry. We try to make a joke out of this because he never apologizes for missing flights or dinners. He is inconsiderate, and when we try to get together, I think we have the right to berate him a little. My father's fits after we mention his tardiness usually start fights. I doubt he'll change his ways, but I just want him to apologize for being inconsiderate to everyone who actually showed up on time. Is there anything we can say to get him to be punctual? -- Late Dad, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR LATE DAD: Now is a time when you must practice acceptance. You know how your father is. He is consistent. While his behavior is rude, it is also a fact. You and your family may want to consider planning your activities differently. Since your father is unreliable, plan with the expectation that he will be late, but that you will no longer wait. So if you are having a group dinner at a home or a restaurant, begin at the time that it is scheduled. If he arrives hours late, he will have to fit into the flow of the event. You can tell him that dinner will be at 7. If he arrives at 9, he is welcome to join you for dessert. If he misses a flight, tell him he will have to join the group later because you will fulfill your scheduled activities with or without him.

The point is, you don't need to berate him. You need to live your lives. Instead of putting your lives on hold waiting for his arrival, flip the script.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Reader Mad The Friends Don't Send Presents

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 21st, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went out of my way to send my friends birthday presents this year. We have just gone off to college, so I wanted to make everyone feel remembered by me. When it rolled around to my birthday, I received nothing but a handful of "Happy Birthday!" texts. I was so annoyed, I didn't respond to a few. I spent about $20 on each gift through purchasing, packing and shipping. I know other friends forgot about my birthday altogether, because they apologized to me a few days later. I sent out over a dozen packages and did not even receive a card from these people. Should I forgive them or realize they don't care about me? -- Brushed-Off Birthday, Baltimore

DEAR BRUSHED-OFF BIRTHDAY: Ever heard the saying, "You shouldn't give to receive?" Your effort to remember your friends fondly was lovely. It would have stayed lovely had you not attached invisible strings. That you went the extra mile to send them gifts does not mean that they thought about doing the same. You acknowledge that it was a big effort on your part. Not making a big deal of your birthday does not mean that they love you less. It means they didn't think to do that. Forgive them for not being you, and accept their love in the ways that they offered it. In the future, if you want to create closer connections as you grow up and live your lives, invite them to do something together. If everybody agrees to a plan, you stand a better chance of harvesting favorable results.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Friends & NeighborsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Reader Embarrassed by Wife's Insistence on English

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 20th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife is the perfect traveling companion. She is flexible with schedules, always thinks of fun activities and travels lightly. The one thing I wish I could change about her is her refusal to even try to learn the language of the country we visit, typically Latin American countries. She insists on speaking English, and I find it a bit embarrassing. She claims everyone knows at least some English, but we've been proven wrong more than a few times. I want to get her to expand her horizons, but she seems to think English is the most universal language on the planet. Could I gift her Rosetta Stone for her birthday? -- No Language Barriers, Detroit

DEAR NO LANGUAGE BARRIERS: Try a different approach. Consider inviting your wife to take a language class with you. Suggest it as a fun activity for the two of you -- kind of like a date. Entice her with the romanticism of learning a language together. If you can make it seem like a fun bonding activity, she may consider it.

Beyond that, make sure that you have learned as much as possible so that you can manage communication for the two of you when you are abroad.

Etiquette & EthicsLove & Dating
life

Man on Flight Smells

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 20th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was on a plane recently and sat next to a man who had atrocious body odor. It wasn't an incredibly long flight, but I doubt this man knew how he smelled. I considered saying something to him, because I'd always want someone to tell me if I had an offensive odor. I ended up not saying anything because I was scared of how he'd react. I have told close friends if they smell of body odor, and they have always been grateful. However, this man was a stranger. What kind of relationship do you have to have with someone to point out body odor? I know I would be grateful if someone were to mention something like this to me. -- Stinky Stench, Boston

DEAR STINKY STENCH: It was wise of you to keep your comments to yourself during your flight. It would have been terribly awkward for you to be sitting next to him after making this revelation. That said, you could have requested a seat change. You could have gone over to the flight attendant privately and told him or her that your neighbor's body odor was making you sick to your stomach and that you need to move. Whenever possible, a flight attendant will try to accommodate such requests without causing anyone embarrassment.

In terms of letting the man know, the only way that I think you could have let him know is if you befriended him on the flight and asked, just before deplaning, if you could share something with him that is uncomfortable to discuss. With his blessing, you could tell him that you noticed he had an unusual odor coming from his body and you thought he might want to check it out, for health purposes.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics

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