DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a dilemma with my husband about how to have our children refer to the woman who cleans our house. I believe "housekeeper" is a polite term for what she does. My husband, however, says "cleaning lady" is the description of her job. I would feel bad if she heard my children calling her the cleaning lady. This just seems like a lowly term to me, but my husband says I am being too sensitive. I want this woman to feel good about coming to our house. She does not do more than keep everything neat and clean, but I believe she keeps the house tidy so she should be called a "housekeeper." Is calling someone a cleaning lady offensive, or is it simply describing a job? -- No Scrubs, Baltimore

DEAR NO SCRUBS: What does she call herself? That would be a great place to start. If you don't know, ask her. Your husband is not wrong, but honestly, this has more to do with tone than words. I imagine you are extremely grateful for the woman who cleans your home. When you and your family refer to her or introduce her, make sure that you do so with the respect that you have for her role in your home. A twist on your husband's description may be, "This is Rose (or whatever her name is). She is the lady who keeps our home in order." Or "She is the lady who cleans our home." Like you, I prefer "housekeeper." To that end, you can still call her that and encourage your children to do the same. Your husband can make a separate choice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an athlete on a great team. We spend money throughout the year on transportation, training and additional coaching. Although there's a financial strain, all the athletes love our sport. Our coach, however, expects extravagant gifts for occasions throughout the season, including her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day and the end of the season. Previous teams have made it a tradition to give her items from Tiffany & Co., so that is why she expects expensive gifts. I think this should change because any gifts she buys us are funded by the team bank account, and four presents is a lot. We appreciate our coach, but we don't really have the funds to give her all of these presents she's come to expect. Should we explain to her that we are downsizing her presents to cards and two nice ones or just go ahead and make the changes to save money? -- Gift Gamble, Racine, Wisconsin

DEAR GIFT GAMBLE: Managing your coach's expectations will be tricky at best. Given her history, she has grown accustomed to being courted in lavish ways. You may want to consider giving her one large gift and the rest much smaller tokens of your appreciation. Get creative with them, though, so that she knows you care. Ideas range from a book you think she would love to read (maybe signed by the author) to a gift certificate for a spa treatment. Yes, a heartfelt card is nice, too. Rather than apologizing about what you can't do, just create new traditions that you can afford and offer the gifts with full gratitude.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the editor of my high school newspaper. I am the last step in approving articles, layouts and comics before the issue goes out. The most recent issue of the paper went out, and I approved a cartoon about cheerleaders that I thought was funny. It had them doodled with someone in the stands going, "Who is that? What are they even doing?" I thought this was comical because the cheerleaders at my high school aren't popular, and this brought it up in a funny way. No one is particularly sure why they're doing all of their lifts and flips, and I thought it was a funny comic everyone would relate to. The cheerleading team was offended, and I have received backlash about how it wasn't OK to let that comic into the paper. I still think it's funny, but I need to repair the paper's reputation. How can I apologize? I can't go to everyone individually to say sorry! -- Bad Editing, Westchester, New York

DEAR BAD EDITING: While the comic was likely funny, it sounds like it was funny at the cheerleaders' expense. Whenever you, as an editor, allow jabs like that, you can expect some kind of backlash. The first thing you need to think about is your audience. An editor's job is to provide content that is appropriate for and appealing to his or her audience. You must consider what the boundaries should be as it relates to criticizing members of your audience. Clearly, in this case, many feel you went too far.

What you can do is print a note from the editor in the next paper apologizing for being insensitive. You may want to say that you thought the comic was in good fun but see that sometimes critical humor can have too big of a bite.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son is a daredevil, and his behavior seems to have gotten more dangerous with age. When he was young, there would be many Band-Aids and even a few hospital visits throughout the years. In his teens, he took up mountain biking and other extreme outdoor sports. He is in his 20s now, and he wants to begin skydiving. This worries me the most out of all of his hobbies because I find it the most dangerous. Whenever I bring this up to my son, he calls me a nag or a worrywart. I know I can't restrict him from doing anything, but if he were severely injured (or worse, killed!), I would never be able to forgive myself for not trying to step in. What can I say to him to make sure he stays safe? I don't know if he'll listen, but I want him to go back to safer activities. -- Daredevil's Mom, Denver

DEAR DAREDEVIL'S MOM: I'm sorry to say that there's virtually nothing you can do. Your son's history shows you who he is and how he wants to spend his time. As his mother, of course you are concerned for his safety and wish he made other choices. Rather than being a doom-and-gloom soothsayer, suggest that your son get as much training as possible in all of his pursuits so that he can perform them as safely as possible.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in a six-floor apartment building. Recently, the fire alarms have been going off more than necessary, forcing everyone to exit their homes while the fire department assesses whether there is a fire. There never is. I suspect one of the new neighbors is pulling the alarm, but I cannot imagine why. I don't have enough evidence to make a legitimate claim, but they come home in the early morning (around 4 a.m. on the weekends), and the alarm is usually pulled by 5 a.m. This has been happening for almost two months, and I am sick of being roused when there is most likely no danger. When the fire department comes again, I want to tell my landlord or perhaps the firefighters my suspicions about the neighbors. I would disclaim that I know it's not concrete evidence, but worth looking at. Should I make this claim? These fire alarms are driving me nuts. -- No Fire, Queens, New York

DEAR NO FIRE: You have a legitimate concern. As a neighbor in the building, you also have a responsibility to speak up if you believe foul play is involved. One way to do this without getting personally entangled in the drama is to contact local authorities anonymously. You can call 311 and report the potential tampering with the fire alarm. When asked to share your personal information, you can decline, saying that you would rather be anonymous.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am going through a divorce for the first time in my life. I still love my soon-to-be ex-husband, but certain aspects of our relationship make it impossible to stay together. Believe me, I've tried for years! My sister likes to check in on me and how I'm doing, which I am thankful for, but she says things that rub me the wrong way. She'll say, "I'm so happy you're over this and you can move on," or "This is great; everything is almost finalized, and you'll never have to think about it again." She went through a less-than-amicable divorce and seems to think this is the only way two people can split. I am still heartbroken that I am almost split from my husband, and I think my sister needs to be more sensitive. What should I say? A huge part of my life is ending, and she mistakes my kindness for me not being over my ex-husband. -- Different Divorces, Boston

DEAR DIFFERENT DIVORCES: You need to have a talk with your sister to let her know that her experience of divorce is very different from yours, and you think she is making assumptions about yours that are inaccurate. Explain that you are feeling vulnerable and extremely sad about this turn of events in your life. Tell her that it is not helpful for her to make the dismissive kinds of comments that she regularly offers. Ask her, instead, to simply check in to see how you are doing. Rather than making assumptions and comments based on those assumptions, perhaps she can listen and respond to what you actually say.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)