Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a man who lives in a mostly rural area. I tore my Achilles tendon and need help being driven to work and doing basic chores like collecting the mail and grocery shopping. Living next to me is a family with five children, and the two oldest children have been instrumental in keeping my life moving swiftly. They drive me, deliver my mail and get me groceries if I need (I give them my credit card to pay). I know their parents had a hand in prodding them to help me out, and I plan on giving them a thank-you letter along with some canned peaches from my earlier harvest. For the children, however, I would like to somehow pay them for how kind they've been to me. One is in high school, and the other attends a community college, and both have helped me. Would it be distasteful to pay them when I am healed? I wouldn't want them to think I thought of them as employees, but I know teens need some financial help. I would love to thank them in a way they'd appreciate. Do you think giving them each some cash would be an appropriate thank-you, or would it seem impolite? -- Grateful for Neighbors, Bumpass, Virginia

DEAR GRATEFUL FOR NEIGHBORS: Since your injury may take quite some time to heal, I suggest that you start your thank-yous early. Check in with the parents and tell them how grateful you are for their children's support. Express clearly that you would not be able to get through this without them. With the children, when they take you on errands, occasionally invite them to have a treat -- an ice cream cone or some other item that you can share while sitting and talking to them. In this way, you get to know them better, including their hopes and dreams. When you are fully healed and no longer need their help, write them thank-you notes and enclose a little cash. In your note to each, point out something that you learned about the young person and his or her aspirations for the future. Suggest that the monetary gift you have offered be used to help them toward their goals.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I plan on going on vacation in the springtime with my sisters and some of my cousins. I invited my mother on the trip, but she has a scheduling conflict with another event. My mother's boyfriend has said he'll come with us instead. He was never explicitly invited, and my mother told him he could take her place without consulting anyone else. He appears to be doing this to get closer to the family. Honestly, I do not want him coming, and most of the people on the trip have not met him. There is a big age gap: We are mostly young women, and he is a man in his 50s. I am not happy that my mother assumed he was invited on the trip, but now I have to get this entire mess untangled. I am considering saying the trip is canceled or calling it a "girls' family vacation." How can I get my mother's boyfriend off the vacation train? -- No Tagalongs, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR NO TAGALONGS: Start with your mother. Tell her you invited her for this special girls' trip and feel uncomfortable having her boyfriend join the group. Ask her to let him know. If she does not, you can tell him yourself that this trip is girls-only.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Occasionally, when I go to my local coffee shop, my order isn't made correctly, and I can't drink it. I have a very strong dairy allergy, and upon ordering, I always make sure that I ask for a dairy-free alternative twice when ordering, but sometimes I see the barista using regular milk for my drink. It's frustrating to me because I've said something before and have gotten dirty looks from the baristas. It is not my fault that they're messing up my order! I hate having to act like a hawk whenever my drink is being made, but I become timid when it comes to returning it. I have had to pay to get another drink made because the coffee shop does not own up to its mistake. I feel as though I have the right to get my order made properly, and I have not taken a sip of the coffee that was given to me anyway. How can I assert myself? Should I be reminding the barista that I am dairy-free as they are making my drink? -- Very Allergic, Chicago

DEAR VERY ALLERGIC: Don't trust the baristas with pouring your milk anymore. Order the coffee black, and request milk substitute that you put in yourself. Or, since you are highly allergic, carry dry creamer with you so that you are 100 percent sure of what you are putting in your beverage.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father makes present-giving difficult for the family and me. He renounces presents that aren't homemade. I have painted, made elaborate pickles and even tried creating ceramics for him, but these days, I do not have the time to hunt down a creative project for every occasion I give him gifts. He does not make me homemade presents, but he expects everyone to put in hours of time to create him a present. Admittedly, some years were very fun to spend creating a gift, but I think there should be leeway as we get older. I do not want to upset my father, but we will not always be able to carve out hours for a present. Could I buy him a present with a handmade card? He has never liked store-bought presents my whole life, but I think it is time for a change. -- Store-Bought is Fastest, Annapolis, Maryland

DEAR STORE-BOUGHT IS FASTEST: Let me start by saying that spending a few hours creating a gift for your father shouldn't be a chore. Consider it a privilege. And refresh your thinking about what to give him. My sister started making digital calendars and mugs with family pictures on them. In this way, the family gets a record of the activities of family members over the course of the year. It is partially homemade and loaded with sentiment. Another idea is to write your father a note detailing the activities of the year and expressing your gratitude for reaching the turning point of another year. You can thank him for his presence in your life and express your love. That's called making memories.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Happy New Year! It is truly a blessing to cross into a brand new year. For all of us who have made it to this moment in our lives, it is worth it to pause and reflect. Take a few moments to count your blessings and to acknowledge all of the good that surrounds you. Know that this is true whether you are suffering or if you are experiencing bounty right now.

Grace is always present in the world, but it is essential that we remember right now. In order to live a fulfilled and honorable life, you have to change the proverbial lens in your glasses. You need to look through the lens of love in order to walk in that supportive space. Otherwise, it is easy to get lost and to make bad decisions. When you aren't seeing or thinking straight, it is also easy to overlook red flags.

I dropped my daughter off at school the other day, and on the way home, I noticed a street sign -- one of the yellow signs with an image of a male and female crossing the street, a sign often posted near a school. At the bottom of the sign is the word "AHEAD." The message was to beware of pedestrians crossing in front of you. Well, the sign had been defaced, the "A" in AHEAD being replaced with "BE" to spell "BEHEAD." If that wasn't enough, the female figure had her head greyed out as if she had been beheaded. I was horrified. Ironically, this now-defaced sign stands across the street from one of the largest cathedrals in the United States, St. John the Divine.

I cringed, then immediately made a firmer conscious commitment to choose to do everything I can to walk in the light and not succumb to the hatred and negativity that seem to be festering all around us. Practically, I called 311 to report it. I mention this example because I could have made a different choice. It would have been so easy either to get hysterical -- to no end -- or to be passive and do or say nothing. Taking action was required, and further action may still be needed until this sign of terrorism is removed. Being responsible was required, because, as my parents taught me, each of us is responsible for ourselves, for our neighbors and for our communities. That means that we have to stand up for truth and goodness and against hatred at every turn. This is true whether the negativity is festering at home, at work or on a street along your way. When you look through the lens of love, you see what doesn't support the unity of humankind. Even more, you gain the strength to access the ability to speak up when necessary.

To live in love is to take care of your environment and the people who live in it. I believe this is a requirement for all of us as we walk into 2016. It is the way that we can honor and protect all of us!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)