Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR READERS: Happy Thanksgiving! It always brings me joy when we reach this celebratory marker in the year. My earliest memories of Thanksgiving are rich with family, the smells of savory foods cooking on the stove, children and adults flitting about in dress-up clothes and the fancy china and linens adorning the table. Thanksgiving is a special time when people pause and choose to spend time with the people they love.

An added bonus for my family is that my daughter was born during Thanksgiving time. Twelve years ago, I was in the hospital on Thanksgiving Day, enjoying the hospital's version of holiday fare; my daughter had come into the world just two days earlier.

The bounty of blessings that I recall during this time fills my heart. I hope the same is true for you. I believe we need to welcome our awareness of these blessings in order to manage the many other things that come our way.

There is so much going on in our world, and not all of it is filled with light and love. Most of us suffer in some way or another. Whether it is trying to pay the bills or managing a health situation, resolving family conflicts or rising in the working world, we are dealing with our stuff. Most of us have long lists of "stuff" that could be our focus and bring us down. When I read and watch the news and learn of person after person who has harmed another senselessly or taken his or her own life out of despair, I scratch my head and wonder what happened in their lives to drive them to such a dark place. But I know that if we don't actively work to see the world through a hopeful lens, the darkness can take over.

Choosing to claim the good in our lives and to navigate whatever comes our way with grace, clarity of vision and faith is not always easy to do, but amazingly, it makes challenges easier to handle. Choosing to believe that goodness lives within each one of us can help to make even the prickliest situations more manageable.

Better still, choosing to count our blessings at the very moment when we feel bitter or diminished or doubtful is an antidote to falling off the cliff of despair. And this is why I bring this up at Thanksgiving. Literally counting our blessings and recognizing the good -- small and large alike -- that has occurred in our lives can make each day sweeter. When you feel sad, ask: What am I grateful for? Answer yourself: My family. That I woke up to see another day. My home. My job. The clothes on my back. The kindness of a neighbor. The thoughtfulness of a stranger. Keep the list going, and make it as granular as you like. "I am grateful for my neighbor not playing loud music last night," or "I am grateful that I had enough money to pay my rent." Whatever is your truth, claim those things for which you are grateful. And by all means, actively choose to keep the company of people who practice gratitude on a daily basis. Living in gratitude in the spirit of Thanksgiving creates space in your life for you to welcome blessings.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My dream company didn't hire me, and I am furious. Apparently, the other woman who was up for the job against me is liked more by other people. I don't think likability should affect the job selection. I was also called a "steamroller," which I found incredibly offensive. I know I am the right choice for this job, and I want to apply again. I feel like my years of experience led me right up to this job, and the company did not hire me! When should I contact the company again? I do not want to give up and regret it later in life. -- Not a Quitter, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR NOT A QUITTER: You need to cool down before doing anything. Naturally, it hurts to be rejected, especially when you fully believe that you are the more deserving candidate for a position. A wise next step is to evaluate the feedback you have received. Do note that likability can be a factor in hiring. A company wants skilled staff who work well together. Getting along with others with ease can be a huge bonus. On the contrary, being the person who is perceived as not listening, but instead steamrolling his or her way through activities is not an endearing quality.

Spend some time considering how you might repackage your presentation of yourself before you apply for another job. This job, by the way, is unavailable. When you look elsewhere, present a refreshed view of yourself as someone who is eager to be a team player.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In the mix of work and family life, I've lost touch with a few good friends. We all live scattered across the country, and it's not so simple to see each other for lunch or on a whim. I'd like to visit, or invite to visit me, a friend I haven't seen in a few years. Although I know this is imposing, I'd much rather visit her in Atlanta than have her come to me so I can see Atlanta for the first time. Could I plan a trip and let her know I'll be in town if she has some time? My husband loves the idea, but I feel this could be an intrusion. The entire trip wouldn't be centered around her, but it'd be nice to see her once or twice. How should I go about seeing a friend without imposing and surprising her? I want this to be as pleasant and fun as possible. -- Flying to Friends, Washington, D.C.

DEAR FLYING TO FRIENDS: Your trip does not have to be an imposition, especially if you are not asking to stay with your friend. Reach out to her well in advance of your trip, and tell her you want to see her and her city. Reveal your idea of coming with your husband, staying in a nearby hotel, sightseeing and spending some time with her. Ask her if she will be in town at that time and if she will be able to make some time to see you. Remind her how much you miss her, and tell her you would like to reconnect in person.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I attended dinner and a silent auction for a charity and got involved in a silly bidding war. The money goes to charity, so I do not mind how much was spent, but at the end of the day, the bidding war was over a fresh box of gourmet cookies. I know my opponent through friends, and we were not sitting at the same table at the dinner. As I kept checking on my bids, I noticed that it was just the two of us bidding. I thought this was a silly, fun encounter, because she was drawing little angry faces next to my name on the sheet. I got the last bid in -- don't worry, it was not some absurd lump of money for cookies! -- and she was visibly upset when I walked up to claim them. I did not know she was taking this event so seriously; maybe she is very competitive, but I won the auction fairly. A few others picked up on this exchange between us and asked me what I was going to do when I see her again. An apology for this really isn't necessary, right? -- Fair and Square, Rochester, New York

DEAR FAIR AND SQUARE: The frenzy of a bidding war can drive up sales and also drive a wedge in relationships. While you won fairly, it would be thoughtful for you acknowledge that the two of you both wanted this item and you are sorry you couldn't both win it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I have a horrible habit that started years back -- I am sick of it. If we disagree about something over text, we will have a silent standoff until one of us caves and texts the other. The longest of these lasted over a week. I've been trying to get these to stop by texting first about how we should be adults, and my older sister's response is always about how she won this time. If there is a disagreement, we should settle it there instead of being so dang stubborn about who can withhold texting the other for the longest period of time. Do you have any suggestions on how to get this immature habit out of our lives? I am not sure what I can do anymore. -- Ignoring My Attempts, Salt Lake City

DEAR IGNORING MY ATTEMPTS: Call your sister and tell her that you want to propose a moratorium on texting. Suggest that the two of you speak to each other in person or on the phone, but you stop texting altogether for now. Tell her that you are not interested in the texting wars that have been going on for years, so you are not going to participate anymore. If you have a disagreement, call her and attempt to talk about it. If she texts you, do not respond. Pick up the phone. If she claims she "won," ignore that. You can also tell her what you want to win is being a loving sister -- not a fight over a text.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)