DEAR HARRIETTE: I was at a modern dance performance this weekend, and I loved the show. I even stayed for the Q&A with the choreographer and dancers afterward. Sadly, I cannot say I loved the entire experience: An old woman behind me was complaining loudly to her friends most of the time! She kept complaining about how she was expecting ballet, even though this group is known for being a medley of modern dance, jazz and ballet. Her yakking got much louder during the intermission, where I was hoping she'd leave this show she couldn't seem to bear. But no, she stayed. At one point in the second half of the show, her phone went off. Her cellphone rang at full volume, and she let it ring without silencing it. I almost turned around and went off on her, but I decided that blunder could be from old age and not mastering one's cellphone. However, I think she probably knew how to silence it, because when I turned around, she was smiling smugly at her friends. I know she's my elder, but this behavior was so rude to me and everyone trying to watch the show. Should I have reprimanded her? -- Etiquette School, Newark, New Jersey

DEAR ETIQUETTE SCHOOL: Though this woman was definitely in the wrong for loudly and negatively talking about the performance in the midst of it as well as allowing her phone to ring, you did the right thing by keeping your lips zipped. When people behave in such an inflammatory way, they are often prime for a more explosive argument if anyone dares to challenge them. Her complaints could have escalated if you had been drawn into the discussion.

So while she was wrong, you were right in ignoring her to the best of your ability. The staff who work at the theater are responsible for keeping order. What you could have done is to go to one of them at intermission and let them know that the woman was being disruptive.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was walking through New York City and encountered some girls doing henna in a park for $3. I've always loved henna, and I had them do a design on my fingers. Later in the day, I was told I was appropriating Indian culture and that my henna is disrespectful. A complete stranger told me this in a coffee shop! I said I was just trying to support the girls and get a fun design on my hand. I had always thought that bindis were the offensive appropriation and would never consider wearing one. However, I am wondering if my new henna designs are causing me to be judged. I believe I am appreciating the culture, and I would never claim the rights to henna. The designs will be on my hand for a few weeks, and I need to figure out if I've made an offensive faux pas. -- Henna Hand, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR HENNA HAND: While the application of henna is part of Asian culture, it has become very popular globally. That you supported the girls in the park who were offering to do henna was a thoughtful action. If you are asked about it while the henna remains on your hands, feel free to share what happened. Your intentions were good. It is a good idea to learn about the practices of other cultures before you adorn yourself with their traditions.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother has special needs, and he recently graduated from a special school that trained him to be able to do a simple job to make some money for himself. My family had a big celebration for him when he graduated; my mom invited around 60 people, and everyone brought him gifts and cards.

I am incredibly proud of my brother because this is a big step toward his independence. However, as I have grown older, I realize that I have begun to resent events that my mother insists on throwing for my brother. I never received any parties in my honor, other than small birthdays. He's had parties for passing medical criteria, graduating from middle school, adapting well to new medication, huge parties for every birthday and now this graduation. I feel as though none of my accomplishments are ever celebrated or even recognized.

I know this sour attitude is petty, and I should get over things that happened when I was a teenager. But we did not even celebrate my graduation from college. How can I move on from this and celebrate my brother wholeheartedly? I know we are different and that parts of life will be harder for him, but I have a grudge against him (and my mother, who throws the parties) for being the celebrated one in the family. -- Can't Let Go, Cincinnati

DEAR CAN'T LET GO: I bet you have never spoken up to say anything to your parents about this oversight. Too often when one child needs extra care, parents focus their attention on that child while inadvertently neglecting the other children in the family. The intention is good, but the execution falls off. Chances are, your parents think of you as self-sufficient, and therefore a party is not necessary for you.

You have to say something. Tell your parents the truth: that you have felt like an oversight. Without dumping on them, let them know that you would like to be acknowledged for your successes. By letting them know how you feel, hopefully without anger but with compassion, you can forgive them and your brother for not providing you with all that you have desired.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I woke up to a disturbing text from a friend I haven't seen in a while. It said: "I woke up sober for the first time in a long time, and I forgot how good it felt." After asking a few more questions, I discovered that she had partied every night of the past month. I had no idea someone could function like this! I am not much of a partier at all, and I could never even imagine waking up and still being drunk.

I do not live in the same state as she does, and I am completely at a loss on what to do about this. Should I visit her as part of an intervention? Do I direct her to her family or to church? I've never dealt with something like this before. -- Not a Partier, Laredo, Texas

DEAR NOT A PARTIER: Thank her for being honest with you. Ask her if she thinks she needs help. Suggest that she go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting so she can talk to other people who struggle with alcohol.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I admit it. I snoop sometimes. My most recent snooping was looking at my sister's online messaging conversation with her boyfriend. I was shocked by what I found. Her boyfriend was verbally and emotionally abusing her. He says she's worthless and stupid, and he calls her vulgar names. He's even been telling her to steal money and food from our parents to bring to him, which I believe she does.

I cannot believe I didn't see this before in their relationship. Admittedly, I haven't spent much time around them. I don't know where to go from here. I want to address this with my sister and maybe my family, but I don't want to get into trouble for looking through their messages. He's been manipulating her into stealing from us, though! He needs to get out of her life ASAP. -- Caught in a Bad Romance, Saginaw, Michigan

DEAR CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCE: Here's a time when your crossing the line may help to save your sister's life. Go to your sister and talk to her. Check in with her to see how she's doing and if she will be forthcoming at all about what's going on with her and her boyfriend. Be prepared to tell her what you read.

Start with an apology. Explain that you violated her trust by reading her texts, but since you did see them, you feel that you have to say something to her. Tell her you are worried about her and the way that her boyfriend talks to her. Express your concern that she is stealing from the family. Ask her what you can do to help her.

Before speaking to her, I recommend that you tell your parents. Though your sister will be extremely upset, this seems like a time when she will need a tremendous amount of support.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last year, my senior year of high school, a girl got pregnant. I was friendly with her, and I attended her baby shower. Now the child is about to turn 1, and she has sent out a Facebook invitation for the party. Barely anyone can attend because we left our hometown for college, and she did not.

I responded by saying I could not come, as did dozens of other people, and she has begun personally messaging us and demanding a reason why we can't attend. It is not our fault that her decisions led to her staying behind and having no one to attend this birthday party! She probably feels alone, but I can't be expected to drop everything in my life and drive hours back home to go to this party.

I've heard that you don't stay friends with everyone from high school, but I can't believe it is happening so quickly. I feel bad that she does not get to have the typical college experience, but then again, she chose to keep her child when she was 18. Am I making the right choice by not going back home for this infant birthday party? -- Not Babying a Friend, Rochester, New York

DEAR NOT BABYING A FRIEND: If you cannot attend, that's real. You can send her child a gift and sincerely wish her and her baby well. When you do go home to visit, be sure to make time for her. She is feeling isolated and rejected. What she needs is a reminder that she is loved even though she chose a different path.