DEAR HARRIETTE: I grow out my hair in order to cut it and donate it to charity. Now my hair is at my waist, and my family and co-workers feel comfortable telling me to cut it. I may be too sensitive, but I find all forms of telling someone to change their appearance offensive. It's like telling someone to lose weight because you think they would look better skinny! I usually just brush off these comments and say I will donate it when it's long enough, but I'm getting very angry with people telling me to change my appearance. I'm helping a charity by donating my hair, and my family especially can't seem to back off. Do they not understand that I do not care about their opinions of my hair? -- My Choice, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR MY CHOICE: Sometimes people get jealous about super-long hair, as for many it is impossible to grow it that long. Jealousy can look like the behavior you are experiencing. If you are keeping your hair clean, neat and appropriate for your work environment, try to ignore the naysayers. On the other hand, you could remind them all that this is your annual charitable effort. Ask them to support you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family allowed my girlfriend to borrow our treadmill about a year ago. We did not really have space for it at the time and I had a gym membership, so no one was using it. Now that my girlfriend and I are moved out of our parents' homes, my mom asked for the treadmill back. My girlfriend freaked out. She said my mother was rude and she will not come to my house anymore or attend any meals with my mother, and she never liked my mother anyway. All of this was said to me and not my mother. My girlfriend had assumed that the treadmill was a gift, but my mother assumed it was a loan. I do not want to be in the middle of this at all. I never thought this exercise equipment would cause such a rift. I am very offended by what my girlfriend said about my mother, and she never apologized. Her excuse was that I sometimes say negative things about my mother as well. A few days have passed, and the treadmill was reluctantly returned, but my girlfriend never apologized. My girlfriend probably thinks I will sweep this under the rug, but that will not happen. I need to get her to admit that she was rude and apologize. How can I do that? I would never say anything negative about her family. -- Families Feud, Seattle

DEAR FAMILIES FEUD: It could be that your girlfriend misunderstood the loan as a gift. Either way, she was reactionary and rude when she learned that your mother wanted the equipment back. Rather than waiting for her apology, you should bring up the topic again and talk through it. Let her know that you believe her behavior was rude and inappropriate and you are offended that she would speak so harshly about your mother. Ask her to apologize. More, agree that neither of you will speak badly about each other's families in the future.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My budget is a little tight this year, and I can't provide the extravagant birthday presents I've been able to in years prior. Upon opening my gift, one of my friends looked at me and said, "What would I even use this for?" I had gotten her a plant in a color-coordinated pot to match her living room as well as an amusing coaster set and a card. I felt incredibly put on the spot and said she could use it for everyday life. She looked unimpressed. This happened in front of a small group, and I couldn't believe her bad manners. I couldn't afford anything grandiose, but I thought my presents were all right -- I wouldn't mind receiving them! I am wondering if I shouldn't have skipped presents this year and said I was broke. Another friend's birthday is in a little over a month, and I'm debating between giving a less expensive gift or admitting my financial hardships. Are presents the way to celebrate a birthday, even if they're unappreciated? -- Presently Baffled, Detroit

DEAR PRESENTLY BAFFLED: Be honest with your friends. Tell them that your finances are tight and you can't afford expensive gifs anymore. Rather than finding yourself in a position like this again, change your gift-giving policy to heartfelt cards and skip the gifts altogether. In this way, you show your love without needlessly attempting to show the size of your wallet.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I visited my daughter at her university this past weekend and realized she had gained the dreaded freshman 15. I didn't say anything to my daughter, but my girlfriend and I agreed that she's gained weight in the 6 weeks she's been gone. My daughter called me after a doctor's visit during the week and was shocked to learn she had gained 13 pounds. Her pants are too tight on her and she said that she needs new clothing, but I think she should lose the weight she gained from late-night snacking on pizza so she can fit into the clothes she owns. My girlfriend told me to be more sympathetic. I think if my daughter can gain the weight, she can lose it, too. Am I being unreasonable? -- Disapproving Dad, Washington, D.C.

DEAR DISAPPROVING DAD: Now is not the time to scold your daughter or make her suffer in clothing that is too small. College is a challenge in and of itself. Yes, your daughter has lessons to learn, including what to eat when she is up late at night studying. The best way for you to support your daughter is to be present for her. The fact that she called to tell you what the doctor reported shows that she trusts you and feels comfortable confiding in you. Be gentle as you talk to her and recommend healthier choices for her. Suggest that she join a sport at school or go to the gym to move her body. Buy her a couple of size-appropriate outfits, but suggest that she keep her old clothes as she tries to get back to her regular size.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a serious TV buff, but I am not into vampires and horror and stuff like that. For the past few weeks, that seems to be all that is on TV. I'm sick of it. I know that Halloween is a big celebration and all, but don't the networks know that not everybody is into this gory content? What am I supposed to do while all this stuff is messing up my vibe? -- Against the Gore, Salt Lake City

DEAR AGAINST THE GORE: Now's the time for you to turn off the TV and do something else. Honestly, as much as what my father calls "the idiot box" can be engaging, distracting and a huge time consumer, it also should not be your primary source of entertainment. Get up, go out and explore your town. Or stay home and read a book. Seriously, you should mix up your entertainment so that you aren't reliant upon TV.

Finally, you can also write to your favorite TV networks and complain about the narrow programming during this season and request the genres that you prefer. You never know what will happen!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I'm having my version of a midlife crisis. I lost my job a few months ago, and I haven't figured out what to do next. I'm in my early 50s, and I look good for my age. I have been very successful in my career, but everything is changing now. I feel like such a loser. My job was filled by a recent college grad who, I'm sure, is good and who costs less. I have no idea how to compete with young people, nor do I want to. I just want to be able to take care of myself and earn a decent living. What should I do? -- Over the Hill and Hopeless, Dallas

DEAR OVER THE HILL AND HOPELESS: Don't give up yet, even though the future is uncertain. Search for a talent scout in your field who may be able to help you identify companies that are looking for people with your level of expertise and experience. With professional support, you may be able to find a job. It may also be wise to evaluate all of your skills to see if there is another career path that may be more viable. This can seem scary, but change is what life is all about. What's key is for you to find support so that you don't have to do it alone. Another source of guidance may be AARP's Life Reimagined program. It helps people figure out how they want to plan out their future. This program has been extremely effective for many people who are searching for what they are going to do next. It may help you, too.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)