life

Daughter Shies Away From Mom's Camera

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 20th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter despises when I take photographs of her. She is a teenager now, and I try to document all of her important moments through videos and candid photos. She gets incredibly angry when I videotape or photograph her getting ready for parties with her friends or getting ready for school. I think she's being an unreasonable teenager right now, and she'll appreciate these videos later in life. My older daughter has told me to give her little sister some room, but I know my youngest will really like these candid videos later in life. How can I tell her to be appreciative instead of mad at me? -- Mama Bear Photography, Dallas

DEAR MAMA BEAR PHOTOGRAPHY: Your older daughter has a point. Interestingly, in today's world, young people in particular document almost every moment of their lives on social media. Your daughter may not be a part of that trend, or she may simply want some space in her own home away from anyone with a camera, especially her mom hovering over her, recording her every move. Either way, it is best for you to back off. When you want to take pictures or video, ask your daughter privately and always in advance of a major event. Get her to buy into your idea rather than being an aggressive mother bear who is forcing the situation.

You can agree on a certain number of images or a limited amount of time that you will shoot. In this way, your daughter will feel like she has some control over the situation. Your desire to document everything seems to make her feel unsafe and under observation in her own home. I doubt that is your desire.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Boyfriend's Online Invitation Bugs Reader

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 20th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

Dear Harriette: I am not new to dating, and I have been in a relationship for almost two years. This morning, I opened my email to an invitation from an online reservation application saying that my boyfriend would like to have dinner with me on Friday. I am dumbfounded. Do we live in an age where it is acceptable to invite someone to dinner via a reservation confirmation email? I am happy to go out to a nice dinner, but this is simply so impersonal that I find the lack of effort off-putting. I do not want to seem stodgy, but I feel as though mentioning dinner plans in person would be considered more normal than via email. Am I being old-fashioned? -- Not E-Dating, Boston

DEAR NOT E-DATING: Before diving off the deep end, step back and think about your boyfriend's normal behavior. If this is odd for him, perhaps the invitation is actually something that he spent more time thinking about than usual. Go along with him this one time, and see what happens. If the dinner seems extra special and thoughtful, maybe this is your boyfriend's way of being more formal. No, it doesn't fit into your old-school idea of how dates get set, but if it turns out to be fun and different, it may be OK.

If not, tell him you were willing to try it, but you really prefer that personal touch -- a call to extend an invitation turns you on!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsLove & Dating
life

Smelly Food Ruins Work Potluck

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 19th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My co-workers and I have decided to be healthier and bring a potluck-style lunch for everyone on Wednesdays as opposed to eating fast food. Most of these lunches have been great, and they allow us to see what our co-workers eat at home. One of my co-workers brings hongeo, a fermented skate fish dish from Korea. This dish is on lists of the smelliest foods in the world -- I did my research! No one ever eats it, and it creates a general revulsion around the entire event, which used to be pleasant. My co-worker does not seem to care that her contribution turns off everyone to the idea of eating. It seems to give her a pass to eat all of the other food while not worrying if hers will be gone. Drawing rules around this event would single her out, but this stench is impossible to be around. Should I just send out a potluck lunch email with some guidelines? -- Hating Hongeo, Syracuse, New York

DEAR HATING HONGEO: Why not start by speaking directly to your co-worker? Talk to her privately and tell her that the delicacy that she has been bringing has not been a group favorite. Thank her for her generosity as you ask her if she would consider bringing something that is less pungent. Explain that you have observed that people are not eating it and that the dish's strong smell overtakes the rest of the food.

If that does not work, you may send a group email about the potluck asking participants to vary what they bring so that the group can try other food choices that are part of their repertoire. If she continues to bring hongeo, the group may need to speak and ask her to stop.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

Dinner Conversation Turns To Money

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 19th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: At a dinner party I attended last weekend, the group had an honest conversation about money. There were 10 people sitting around the table, and the conversation began with someone lamenting about not being able to afford something. Then debts, loans, earnings and savings worked their way into the conversation. I was very surprised. I had grown up in a town where talking about money was considered extremely rude and a major faux pas. I stayed quiet for the conversation except for when I was asked what I was saving up for, and I simply answered, "a nice vacation." Some of my friends are extremely affluent, and although I am not by any means, I am still uncomfortable talking about money. I feel as though excusing myself is dramatic, and I would like a polite or funny response for when I'm asked about my financial situation. Any tips? -- Mum About Money, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR MUM ABOUT MONEY: While the conversation may be uncomfortable, I suggest that you listen closely and learn. Most people don't talk about money, but it is an important topic to learn about. Until you find your comfort zone, you can honestly say, when asked, that you are listening and learning.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsMoneyFriends & Neighbors
life

Reader Ready to Make First Step Toward Adulthood

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 17th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am preparing to move out of my parents' place and be independent. I graduated from college a little less than two years ago, and I know that my dream job is in New York City. I have some money saved up from other jobs, but I am not sure what all of the steps are to getting my own place. My mom does not think I am ready to move out, but I know that in order to get my career started, I need to be in the city that never sleeps. I have found a couple of apartments online, but I know having a real estate agent gets pricey. I will definitely have job interviews scheduled for myself once I get to New York City, but I just need to find a way to be there affordably first. How do I start this move out of the nest? -- Breaking Free and Budgeting, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR BREAKING FREE AND BUDGETING: Being in the practice of saving is essential. It's also important to do your research. Look for a job of some kind before you get to New York City. While you may not find your dream job, it is smart to line up a way to earn money before you move to such an expensive city. See if you can make a few visits for interviews before arriving for good. Most people who move to New York City start by having roommates so that they can share expenses. You can find roommate opportunities via the Internet on sites such as craigslist.org and others. Be clear about your expectations of a roommate and how much you can afford when you list yourself. With strategic planning, you can create a stable foundation upon which to build your life.

Work & SchoolMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Family Splits To Watch Tv

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 17th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I believe that television is destroying my family life. Whenever my children and my husband and I get home, we seem to automatically retreat into different rooms to watch whatever is our favorite TV show. When I attempt to corral everybody into the same room, it works for a quick meal, but then we invariably end up in our corners, so to speak. I want us to talk as a family and do other interactive things. I almost feel like it's too late, though, because we have been doing this for so long. How can I coax us out of our corners and into each other's lives in real time? -- Competing With the Idiot Box, Dallas

DEAR COMPETING WITH THE IDIOT BOX: Start by talking to your husband about this. Ask him if he will partner with you on limiting TV time in your home. Come up with a plan, which may include hours when the TV is off no matter what. Schedule talk time during meals and after. Introduce games that you can play together. Talk about your day with each other. Do your best not to pry with questions. Instead, ease into chatting.

When you get TV or mobile device pushback, explain that everyone is participating. This will not work as well if you don't have full agreement, which needs to start with the parents.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Mental HealthFamily & Parenting

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