DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of my family is an older woman who has been independent her whole life. After she retired, she became the chair of a charitable board and says she is not ready to relax or stop working. She is nearing 80, and my family has noticed that she seems to need assistance with physical aspects in her life. She cannot bend down easily or carry things over a couple of pounds without dropping them. Her mind is very sharp, but her body is not as able as it used to be. Whenever someone mentions anything regarding her needing help, she gets incredibly defensive and shuts down the conversation. I can imagine that realizing one's body is aging is not the best feeling, but I want her to accept her limitations and know how to ask for help with physical labor. Who should talk to her about this? We don't want her getting hurt over something avoidable. -- Handing Over the Reins, Dallas

DEAR HANDING OVER THE REINS: Part of the reason that older people who are vibrant remain so is that they put mind over matter. They often will themselves into being able to do things that their bodies no longer feel comfortable doing. This is also why it is important for people like you to be on the lookout.

One thing that we do with my 85-year-old mother, who sometimes has difficulty walking, is to say that in places like airports she should ride in a wheelchair. Why waste your walking on those long walkways? Save walking for when you have to do it! She likes that option. With your friend, you may offer to help with this or that while saying, "Why waste your energy on handling groceries when you need it for supporting your charity?" Translation: Think of a viable reason for her to relinquish certain duties without pointing out her frailty. You should get better results.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have several email addresses, primarily because I was trying to be super organized. What I have discovered is that I have missed important messages from people because I haven't checked all of my emails regularly. I missed a series of events because I didn't see the invitation until afterward. Now I'm feeling embarrassed and overwhelmed. My system doesn't work for me, at least not right now. How do I mend things with my clients who probably think I blew them off, and how do I manage my multiple addresses without going crazy? -- Techno Crazed, Syracuse, New York

DEAR TECHNO CRAZED: Start by writing to your clients and apologizing for missing their events. Admit that you did not see the invitations until after the events had passed. If you would prefer for them to use one email address, invite them to use that as a default.

Continue to monitor the other addresses, though. On a daily basis, glance through all of your addresses. Until you wean your clients off of the range of addresses, a daily check is your best way to stay on top of all communication.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was at a party recently with my friend Brad. At one point in the night, Brad burst into tears. It turns out he was crying about his father, who had passed away when he was a teenager. We are in our early 20s now, and I'm not sure if it was alcohol or lack of closure that caused this outburst. Brad left the party, and I have not spoken to him since. I simply do not know what to say because I have never dealt with the death of a parent. I feel as though suggesting counseling would be very forward, but so would implying that he has a problem with alcohol. Everyone is allowed to cry and grieve; I just don't know how to be of comfort to him because I am in uncharted territory. How should I break the ice? -- New Terrain, Detroit

DEAR NEW TERRAIN: You can reach out to Brad without getting into his business at all. Since you two are friends, just call him to say hello. If you often hang out, invite him to join you at a gathering of friends. Since you believe he has a drinking problem, try to pick an activity that does not include alcohol.

If Brad brings up his tears and grief about his father, express your sympathy that he lost his father and continues to grieve for him. Make it clear that you do not know how to support him because you have never experienced such a tragedy. Let him know that you want to be as helpful as you can. You can suggest that he see a therapist who may be able to help him sort through his feelings.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have reason to believe that my neighbor has anger issues. OK, I know that sounds strong, but the things that I see her doing are really disturbing. She seems to fly off the handle without cause. Like when I saw her at a small party I hosted, she started yelling at one of my guests out of nowhere. Then another time I saw her standing outside her house, and she was screaming at the mailman. He looked shocked and gave her the mail and walked away. She seems to yell at the slightest provocation. Who knows why, but I must say that it is disturbing. I have decided not to invite her over to my house anymore, but part of me feels like she needs help. How could I possibly do that? -- Estranged Neighbor, Philadelphia

DEAR ESTRANGED NEIGHBOR: Before writing her off, invite your neighbor for tea. When it is just the two of you, get to know her a bit. Listen to her as she talks about whatever is on her mind. People often reveal a lot about themselves when you just let them talk. Do not bring up her temper. If she creates an entry point in the conversation, you may gently mention that you got worried when she got so upset. Then you can ask her if she is OK. Otherwise, stop inviting her to your functions and keep your distance.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 40 years old, and I recently became a lawyer in New York City. I am walking on cloud nine because of this major accomplishment, but I have one problem. I am terribly shy and soft-spoken, and if I want to survive in the field of law, I need to toughen up just a little. What are some ways I can privately improve my interpersonal skills? -- Private Practice, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR PRIVATE PRACTICE: Congratulations on your accomplishment. Becoming a lawyer is huge, and you should be proud. One way to hone your presentation skills is through public speaking training. If your schedule permits it, you should consider Toastmasters, an international company that supports people in their quest to become comfortable and effective speakers.

Know, too, that practice is going to help you tremendously. The more you have the opportunity to do the work, the more comfortable you will become. Finally, when you feel confident that you know your material, it makes it easier for you to stand up in front of others and deliver it. I was taught that when you think of your work as service, it makes it much easier to let the butterflies go and stand in your own power. From the perspective of a servant of the law or your client, it may be easier for you to let go of any fears and find your voice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who borrowed a DVD, and he has not returned it. This has gone on for about four years now. I reached out to him via email and left messages on his phone. When I finally got ahold of him, he told me he would mail the DVD to me, but he has not. I can order a new DVD and let it be, but I want the original copy I gave him. Do you think I am belaboring the issue, or should I move on and buy a new copy? -- On Extended Loan, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR ON EXTENDED LOAN: There's a very good chance that you are never going to see that DVD again. Given that four years have already passed, the chance that your friend can locate it is highly unlikely. Rather than continuing to pine over your DVD, let it go. Remember not to lend that person anything in the future, especially if it is an item of value to you. But you are working yourself up over and over again over something that is gone. When you are able to let it go, you will be free simply to enjoy your life. That peace of mind is far more valuable than a DVD, no matter what content it holds. Move on!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)