DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 40 years old, and I recently became a lawyer in New York City. I am walking on cloud nine because of this major accomplishment, but I have one problem. I am terribly shy and soft-spoken, and if I want to survive in the field of law, I need to toughen up just a little. What are some ways I can privately improve my interpersonal skills? -- Private Practice, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR PRIVATE PRACTICE: Congratulations on your accomplishment. Becoming a lawyer is huge, and you should be proud. One way to hone your presentation skills is through public speaking training. If your schedule permits it, you should consider Toastmasters, an international company that supports people in their quest to become comfortable and effective speakers.

Know, too, that practice is going to help you tremendously. The more you have the opportunity to do the work, the more comfortable you will become. Finally, when you feel confident that you know your material, it makes it easier for you to stand up in front of others and deliver it. I was taught that when you think of your work as service, it makes it much easier to let the butterflies go and stand in your own power. From the perspective of a servant of the law or your client, it may be easier for you to let go of any fears and find your voice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who borrowed a DVD, and he has not returned it. This has gone on for about four years now. I reached out to him via email and left messages on his phone. When I finally got ahold of him, he told me he would mail the DVD to me, but he has not. I can order a new DVD and let it be, but I want the original copy I gave him. Do you think I am belaboring the issue, or should I move on and buy a new copy? -- On Extended Loan, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR ON EXTENDED LOAN: There's a very good chance that you are never going to see that DVD again. Given that four years have already passed, the chance that your friend can locate it is highly unlikely. Rather than continuing to pine over your DVD, let it go. Remember not to lend that person anything in the future, especially if it is an item of value to you. But you are working yourself up over and over again over something that is gone. When you are able to let it go, you will be free simply to enjoy your life. That peace of mind is far more valuable than a DVD, no matter what content it holds. Move on!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student, and I am currently interning at a very cool advertising company. My boss called me into her office, and she told me that I should straighten my hair because it is a distraction around the workplace. I walked out of her office disappointed because I want to be critiqued about my work, not my appearance. Going forward, how can I appease my bosses? I really like my internship. -- Big Hair, Don't Care, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR BIG HAIR, DON'T CARE: Appearance should not make a difference in the workplace, but it always does. Every company has a corporate culture that dictates the look, style and feel of that company. Without seeing you, I cannot comment on your hair. I can tell you a story: My first job was working for a member of Congress. While in college, I had been doubling as a model, so I didn't want to dress conservatively at my new job. I did wear the requisite suits, but I would also wear long, dangly earrings that were obviously not traditional attire for this conservative office. The office manager, who was a compassionate woman, came over to me one day and complimented me on the earrings, saying how pretty they were, and then adding, "for the club." That was her creative way of letting me know they weren't appropriate in that environment.

It could be that your hairstyle is a distraction. Rather than being angry, get creative. Figure out ways to keep your texture while making your look more professional. Also, build a relationship with your boss so that you can turn the discussion toward work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I cannot take it anymore. My friend goes on these amazing adventures to "find himself." And every time he has these religious mountaintop experiences, he tells the world. When the experience wears off, my friend becomes extremely depressed. He called me two days ago to share his "crisis," and he was not happy with my response because these adventures have gone on for about five years now. I am tired of hearing my friend's one-sided adventures. I do not know what he is looking for when he goes on these various excursions, but I would like to offer some words of wisdom because I believe everything he is looking for is already in him. What do you think? -- Friend in Need, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

DEAR FRIEND IN NEED: You know that saying, "What goes up must come down?" Well, it works regarding experiences as well. This is why thrill-seeking is dangerous. Reaching for euphoric highs guarantees the equal and opposite fall into depressing lows. It is better to seek contentment and to recognize the joy within yourself. You are right: Each of us is complete on the inside, including your friend. As fun as it can be to have great adventures, they do not automatically fuel inner peace. Encourage your friend to seek spiritual solace. Through faith and spiritual discipline, he can discover a mountaintop experience that may last.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and her mother have an extremely tumultuous relationship. One day, the mom will tell her daughter that having her was her biggest regret, other days they are each other's BFFs. The ups and downs in their relationship certainly appear hurtful and confusing, and being a confidante in this situation has proven to be harder than I anticipated. After listening to my friend, I can lament her mother's parenting style on their bad days, but on their good days, it's as if the prior day's abuse is erased. I know they typically do not apologize to each other and just wake up and flip a switch. Their relationship is not stable, and I simply never know what to say. It's hard to understand the mom saying the most horrible things one day and then becoming the "best mom ever" with frozen yogurt and manicures. What should my advice be to my friend when she brings up their rocky relationship? I am going away to college and am not sure how to be a support to her from a distance. -- Mother-Daughter Duel, Little Rock, Arkansas

DEAR MOTHER-DAUGHTER DUEL: Resist the urge to give advice. You should not try for one second to interpret, get in the middle of or otherwise comment on your friend's relationship with her mother. Count your blessings that you come from a more stable environment. While you should tell your friend that you can't help her with her situation with her mother, let her know how much you love and support her. Be as consistent as you can in your friendship, even from a distance. Continue to email or text her as you normally do. But remember that you have to live your life. Naturally, friendships change course sometimes when friends transition into new experiences. Don't forget your friend, but don't be absorbed by her troubles, either.

DEAR HARRIETTE: With an empty nest and a new relationship, I am thinking of moving to a different town. My children are not completely independent and are still in college, but I want to move out of their hometown and closer to my boyfriend. I do not have plans to give them a room in my new apartment, and I was thinking more along the lines of a foldout couch or guest bedroom. I do not want my kids to feel as though they do not have a home, but I want to move forward with my life. Do I have to ask for their approval to leave their hometown and move into my own place? -- Flying Forward, Cincinnati

DEAR FLYING FORWARD: You are the parent. No, you do not need your children's permission to take action; however, it will be hard on them if they feel that their mother has abandoned them. Tell them your intention. Explain the plan for the setup of your new home. Make sure they know they will be welcome, although you do not expect them to move back home. Have a plan for school breaks in terms of where they will sleep, etc. You can do this by being proactive and thoughtful.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)