DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into a former colleague who had been in a huge position the last time we saw each other. Now he is looking for work. When we saw each other last, he hardly had time to even talk to me. This time, he was much more attentive and friendly. I get it, but it really hurt my feelings a few years back when he basically snubbed me. We go so far back that I expected him to be more thoughtful, even though he had a big job. I don't know that I want anything from him, but I guess I want you to say something about how you think people should behave when they are building their lives, especially when they are enjoying success. -- Looking for Wisdom, New Haven, Connecticut

DEAR LOOKING FOR WISDOM: I have always been told that you should treat everyone with respect, regardless of her or your station in life. This is far easier to say than to do. Sometimes it is ego that clouds a person's ability to see clearly and notice how they are treating other people. Being extraordinarily busy can also contribute to a person's inability to notice the people who have been instrumental in their lives or even to follow common courtesy with friends, colleagues or strangers.

Commonly, when people find themselves in a more humble position due to job loss, illness, aging, changing family dynamics or financial crisis, they are able to notice aspects of their own behavior differently. They also can then see who the constants are in their lives. In the best of worlds, people would notice individuals and opportunities all along the way.

For your friend, it looks like a dose of humble pie opened his eyes a bit. For you, you must decide if you can forgive him his blindness in the past and rekindle your bond, or simply remain cordial but distant. It's your choice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When you go to someone's home for the weekend, is it appropriate to strip your bed and wash your sheets before you leave? I grew up in a large family, and our protocol was for everyone to carry their own weight, so to speak. It was considered the height of bad manners to leave dirty sheets on the bed. I just went to a wealthy friend's house in the Hamptons, and when I removed the bed sheets and asked where to wash them, my host looked at me aghast. Clearly I had broken some unwritten rule. What did I do wrong, and how can I fix it? -- Pitching In, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR PITCHING IN: Every household has different rules. Yours required all hands to be involved in caring for the home. In your friend's house, it is likely that they have housekeeping staff who handle all such matters. To clear any discomfort that may have come from you not knowing the way their household works, you could simply tell them that you were just pitching in. That's the way you grew up, and you wanted to be helpful as you showed your gratitude. Don't make a bigger deal of it than that.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I stayed with my extended family for a month this summer. Not wanting to seem like a freeloader, I gave them money that would have covered a room and the bits of food that I ate. Something that bothered me during my stay was realizing how sexist my uncle is. We come from different countries, and he married into the family. As I was reading a book in the family room, he came in and threw me his shirt to iron! I automatically assumed he was kidding, and jokingly responded by apologizing for the accident that left him unable to use his hands. My uncle was offended, took the shirt and said that he'd go find his wife to do it. I feel bad for being rude to my uncle in his home, but I was not freeloading off of him and did not think being a woman turned me into his maid. How should I respond if a sexist situation comes up again? -- Not the Maid, Dallas

DEAR NOT THE MAID: When you are staying in someone's house, it can be very difficult to manage clashing values. You did the right thing by giving money to contribute to the family's operating budget. Staying for a month is a long time -- even when you are family. It is important for someone who steps into that situation to do his or her best to fit in, so to speak, with the culture of the household.

That does not mean you have to endure sexist behavior and succumb to it. Your uncle probably considered making a joke as rude as his behavior was to you. What you could have done is to say you don't know how to iron and wouldn't want to burn his shirt. Same effect. You still don't iron the shirt, but you don't insult him either.

Whenever you stay in someone else's home, it is smart to find out what the house rules and expectations are so that you know where you stand. You should ask to be clear. As it relates to sexist behavior, sometimes humor works -- as you tried. Other times, quietly standing your ground can work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Every week at church, one of our church members brings me a little present. It might be a handkerchief that she had when she was a young woman or a newspaper clipping that she thought I would like. I have always thanked her for these treats, but I don't know if I should be doing something more. How can I show her my gratitude? She is an elder in the church with no family. -- Showing Appreciation, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR SHOWING APPRECIATION: If you are up for it, talk to this church elder and find out if she would like to have tea sometime. Or ask her if you can help her in any way. I used to help my great-aunt write out her holiday cards. There are many tasks that elders can potentially use help completing. Offer!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I sent my first son off to college this year. Now, a couple of weeks in, he is calling me extremely upset and ready to come home. Since this is my first time sending off a child, I was told to expect the initial homesickness that is supposed to last until Thanksgiving. I want him to be happy, and my son says the only way he can be happy is if he comes home. My husband believes our son should tough it out for now, and he'll learn to love college. We gave our son a car as a going-away present so he wouldn't feel stuck in his surroundings, yet he still feels stuck and upset. What should we do? My son claims this is not typical homesickness, and I am not sure what to believe. -- College Crossroads, Syracuse, New York

DEAR COLLEGE CROSSROADS: Trust that your son is in distress. It is a big deal to go away to college. While your husband has a point about having him tough it out, I actually think you should check in on him. You haven't said how far away he is from you, but I suggest that you go to him to see him for yourself and talk to him in person. Or invite him to come home for the weekend so that you can spend some time together.

Who knows if something happened that traumatized him? Being face to face may help him to open up to you so that you can get a better gauge of how to support him. Even if what he needs most is simply a hug, be generous with that offering. His knowing that you unconditionally support him may help him to navigate this challenging period. Becoming independent is no small accomplishment. For many, it takes quite some time to achieve.

DEAR HARRIETTE: School has started again for my twins. Luckily, they go to the same school, but they're not in the same class. This year, the more aggressive of the two has already started picking fights with a couple of his classmates. This is not the first time we have had to deal with his aggressive nature, but we have yet to figure out how to support him to make better choices. We really want this year to be a good one. How can we help him? -- Bad Twin, Boston

DEAR BAD TWIN: Often, when children are extremely aggressive, they are longing for attention. As parents, you can step back and notice how you respond to this child. Does he get the most attention from you and others when he is being "bad"? If so, shift the times that you focus your lens on him.

It is also sometimes true that children have chemical imbalances that trigger extreme behavior. Your child should have a complete physical during which you let the doctor know his behavior and your concerns. Additionally, work with the school officials, including the teacher and guidance counselor, so that your son has proper support as he acclimates. If this does not work, you may consider moving him into a different school. Being completely separate from his twin may give him the space to establish himself singularly.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)