DEAR HARRIETTE: I stayed with my extended family for a month this summer. Not wanting to seem like a freeloader, I gave them money that would have covered a room and the bits of food that I ate. Something that bothered me during my stay was realizing how sexist my uncle is. We come from different countries, and he married into the family. As I was reading a book in the family room, he came in and threw me his shirt to iron! I automatically assumed he was kidding, and jokingly responded by apologizing for the accident that left him unable to use his hands. My uncle was offended, took the shirt and said that he'd go find his wife to do it. I feel bad for being rude to my uncle in his home, but I was not freeloading off of him and did not think being a woman turned me into his maid. How should I respond if a sexist situation comes up again? -- Not the Maid, Dallas

DEAR NOT THE MAID: When you are staying in someone's house, it can be very difficult to manage clashing values. You did the right thing by giving money to contribute to the family's operating budget. Staying for a month is a long time -- even when you are family. It is important for someone who steps into that situation to do his or her best to fit in, so to speak, with the culture of the household.

That does not mean you have to endure sexist behavior and succumb to it. Your uncle probably considered making a joke as rude as his behavior was to you. What you could have done is to say you don't know how to iron and wouldn't want to burn his shirt. Same effect. You still don't iron the shirt, but you don't insult him either.

Whenever you stay in someone else's home, it is smart to find out what the house rules and expectations are so that you know where you stand. You should ask to be clear. As it relates to sexist behavior, sometimes humor works -- as you tried. Other times, quietly standing your ground can work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Every week at church, one of our church members brings me a little present. It might be a handkerchief that she had when she was a young woman or a newspaper clipping that she thought I would like. I have always thanked her for these treats, but I don't know if I should be doing something more. How can I show her my gratitude? She is an elder in the church with no family. -- Showing Appreciation, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR SHOWING APPRECIATION: If you are up for it, talk to this church elder and find out if she would like to have tea sometime. Or ask her if you can help her in any way. I used to help my great-aunt write out her holiday cards. There are many tasks that elders can potentially use help completing. Offer!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I sent my first son off to college this year. Now, a couple of weeks in, he is calling me extremely upset and ready to come home. Since this is my first time sending off a child, I was told to expect the initial homesickness that is supposed to last until Thanksgiving. I want him to be happy, and my son says the only way he can be happy is if he comes home. My husband believes our son should tough it out for now, and he'll learn to love college. We gave our son a car as a going-away present so he wouldn't feel stuck in his surroundings, yet he still feels stuck and upset. What should we do? My son claims this is not typical homesickness, and I am not sure what to believe. -- College Crossroads, Syracuse, New York

DEAR COLLEGE CROSSROADS: Trust that your son is in distress. It is a big deal to go away to college. While your husband has a point about having him tough it out, I actually think you should check in on him. You haven't said how far away he is from you, but I suggest that you go to him to see him for yourself and talk to him in person. Or invite him to come home for the weekend so that you can spend some time together.

Who knows if something happened that traumatized him? Being face to face may help him to open up to you so that you can get a better gauge of how to support him. Even if what he needs most is simply a hug, be generous with that offering. His knowing that you unconditionally support him may help him to navigate this challenging period. Becoming independent is no small accomplishment. For many, it takes quite some time to achieve.

DEAR HARRIETTE: School has started again for my twins. Luckily, they go to the same school, but they're not in the same class. This year, the more aggressive of the two has already started picking fights with a couple of his classmates. This is not the first time we have had to deal with his aggressive nature, but we have yet to figure out how to support him to make better choices. We really want this year to be a good one. How can we help him? -- Bad Twin, Boston

DEAR BAD TWIN: Often, when children are extremely aggressive, they are longing for attention. As parents, you can step back and notice how you respond to this child. Does he get the most attention from you and others when he is being "bad"? If so, shift the times that you focus your lens on him.

It is also sometimes true that children have chemical imbalances that trigger extreme behavior. Your child should have a complete physical during which you let the doctor know his behavior and your concerns. Additionally, work with the school officials, including the teacher and guidance counselor, so that your son has proper support as he acclimates. If this does not work, you may consider moving him into a different school. Being completely separate from his twin may give him the space to establish himself singularly.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into my old boss this summer, and it was pleasant on the surface, but I have to admit that I still hold a grudge against her. I felt like I was not treated well during my last days on the job. I felt like I was being taken advantage of, and, ultimately, she fired me because I called her on it. I have moved on, as this was many years ago. But I do not trust her. So when we saw each other, we were pleasant to each other, but the memories came flooding in. There were other former co-workers at this gathering, and they were all going down memory lane talking about the "good old days," and it was hard for me to participate in the conversation because that's not how I remember it. I mainly stayed quiet. I didn't see any good in reminiscing about what I would call the bad times. How can I let go of the bad feelings? I think that's the only way I can fully move on. -- Stuck in the Past, Cincinnati

DEAR STUCK IN THE PAST: Forgiveness is one of the most powerful practices and also one of the most difficult. Whatever happened between you and your old boss is in the past. Clearly, she hurt you. There's a chance you had some role in this as well. Rather than continuing to rehash and hold onto the dregs of the past, stay in the moment. Remind yourself of what is good about your life. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself and your boss for whatever occurred before so that you can be in the moment and reap whatever benefits await you. You deserve that freedom.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in a very small town where everybody knows each other. I am single, and over the years I have had a few different boyfriends, not in close succession. It's just that I have been single for so long that naturally there have been a few guys. So now I feel like since everybody knows everybody, there's nobody left for me to date in my town who doesn't know everyone else. I wonder if I should move. I really want to have a good relationship and even get married, but so far, this hasn't worked out. What should I do? -- Small-Town Love, St. Croix, U.S. Virgin Islands

DEAR SMALL-TOWN LOVE: Yes, it can be tough to date over time in a small town. Your neighbors, family members and friends will have their opinions about you and your life, and too often they will voice their feelings. Before you decide to move, you may want to review the landscape of your town to assess if there is anybody you could be seriously interested in. If so, check him out before giving up.

If he isn't a match, consider scheduling vacations in other areas. You can visit cities when an activity that interests you is going on. Put yourself out there to meet new people. If you meet someone you like, take it very slowly. Broadening your horizons may be your ticket to happiness in love. It may require a move, but possibly only a move after you meet someone in a new port of call.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)