DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been married to my husband for 40 years, and I have this huge problem with his facial hair. He has not shaved in about 18 years, and he has a huge beard. I would beg him for years to shave it. He would laugh and tell me to deal with it. His facial hair is disgusting; food gets in it, and he doesn't bother to clean it out. My husband and I have not been intimate in years. I find him gross because of his beard and his overall lack of cleanliness. He doesn't seem to care at all. How can I get my husband to shave his beard? -- Miss the Man I Married, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR MISS THE MAN I MARRIED: The chances that your husband will shave his beard after 18 years are slim, don't you think? That said, the promise of sexual intimacy is often enough to turn a man's thinking around. Why not start a shift in your relationship? Rather than the threat of chopping off the beard, offer to groom it for him. Invite him to shower with you, and during that shower, take the lead and bathe and groom him. Or offer to give him a head and beard massage in your sink, the way we used to wash our children's hair. The point is that if you show him that practicing basic hygiene will help the two of you to get closer, he may open his eyes to the concept.

You, in turn, will need to get your mind right on what you are willing to do to encourage the seismic change that you want. Trust that it needs to include intimacy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the past two years, I have had five jobs across the United States. Every time I take a job, I say to myself: This is the dream job, and this is where I want to live. However, after the third month of employment, I get bored, and I start to make plans to find another place of employment. This is getting tiresome because I am 45 years old, and I would like to settle down and eventually start a family. How can I find some solace in settling down? Can you offer any advice? -- Drifting Memory, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

DEAR DRIFTING MEMORY: Let this be your wake-up call. For whatever reason, you have been running away from responsibility for a long time. Stop for a moment and write out a list of your choices in recent years. Make another list of your desires for the future. Compare your lists to see how you can make them compatible. To "settle down" and start a family requires a level of consistent responsibility in order for you to be successful. Perhaps your "dream job" needs to look different. Consider what your dream really is. Allow your answer to guide your steps. If your dream truly is to share and build a life with someone, look for a job that can support that.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter made a new friend at camp this summer, and they hung out a lot. I think it may have been too much, though, because now, several weeks after leaving camp, the new friend is MIA. These two hung out so much -- almost every day after camp. They had several sleepovers and really seemed to hit it off. After their last sleepover, it seems like something happened, although I can't figure it out from my daughter. Both girls are 9 years old, by the way. Now, whenever I call to coordinate time for them to spend together, the mom comes up with a reason that it won't work. I asked my daughter about it, and she didn't have a clue. I know that my daughter can be intense. Given how much time they spent together, there is a chance she may have been too pushy in trying to make friends. In any case, what do I do now to manage my daughter's feelings? She is sad that this new friend seems to have cut her off entirely. Should I ask the girl's mom if something happened, or just let it be? -- Broken Friendship, Charlotte, North Carolina

DEAR BROKEN FRIENDSHIP: You may want to contact the girl's mother and ask her directly if something happened that you don't know about. Since you know your daughter's behavior, bring it up. Ask if your daughter was too pushy or if something else occurred to turn her daughter off. Perhaps the mother will tell you -- if she even knows.

If you don't get a response but the schism continues, help your daughter focus on other friendships and on her schoolwork. Sometimes relationships end awkwardly. All you can do is your best to help make this one end with clarity. But it takes both sides to figure that out. What you can manage for sure is preventing your daughter from begging this girl to pay attention to her again. Help your daughter to move on if that's what the moment requires.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a city girl, and I have recently been dating a man who grew up on a farm. I know -- classic! We met through mutual friends, and it seems like we hit it off. My worry is that I know absolutely nothing about farm life. He talks longingly about going home to visit his family and spend time with the animals. It all sounds romantic coming from him, but I don't have a clue as to how to manage in a situation like that. And I don't even know if I want to get my hands dirty like that anyway. I don't want to be the awkward city girl who gets continually embarrassed by all that I don't know if I decide to go with him to visit his family. How can I avoid that? -- City Vs. Country, San Francisco

DEAR CITY VS. COUNTRY: Don't make a decision about the future of your relationship without seeing for yourself what his home life is like. Talk to him about your concerns about not fitting in and about being awkward. Ask him to help you to be more comfortable in his world. Go for a visit before you make a final decision. What you enjoy about each other is worth at least that much effort.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am feeling emotionally paralyzed. I have taken on so much responsibility lately, handling the aftermath of my father's death and having to deal with his paperwork. I've never had to do this before, and it is overwhelming. Along the way of sorting through everything, I have made some missteps. I have had some heated exchanges with family members, with bankers, with a lot of the people who are part of this process of closing out his affairs. This has meant that on top of all of the actual work, now I have people mad at me because I have not handled everything well. I want to hibernate. I don't want to deal with any of the follow-up calls from people who are mad for one reason or another because the process isn't going smoothly. Obviously, hiding isn't a solution. But I am seriously feeling overwhelmed. How can I handle this situation better so that I can feel less stressed out? -- On the Brink, Detroit

DEAR ON THE BRINK: Rather than hibernate, can you take a few days off to rejuvenate? Maybe a long weekend where you relax and pamper yourself would be a smart idea. Getting rest is so important in having a clear head. If you have a friend or loved one who can be neutral about the situation and supportive at the same time, you may want to invite that person to join you.

When you are feeling refreshed, consider doubling back to the people with whom you have experienced friction and simply apologizing. Even if both of you were wrong, or if the other person was absolutely off-course, you can apologize for your heightened emotions surrounding handling your father's affairs as you also ask for patience, compassion and focus from them. To the best of your ability, keep yourself organized as you complete handling your father's business. This will help you to finish the work and be free to grieve.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have never been close to my brother, although I have attempted to stay in touch with him over the years. He moved away from our hometown years ago and rarely comes home to visit. He has built a nice life for himself, I suppose, but I think that family is also important, so I have tried to maintain some kind of connection to him. The thing is, when I call him, it is often awkward because we don't have much to talk about. I realize I can't force him to do anything. Now that our parents are getting older, I fear that when they go, he will disappear completely. How can I prevent that from happening? -- Keep It Together, Dallas

DEAR KEEP IT TOGETHER: You cannot force your brother to stay in touch with you -- which you already know. You can state the obvious. You can call or write to him and put your thoughts on the line. Tell him of your worry that you will lose each other entirely if you don't both make the effort to stay connected. Tell him you think it's worth it to keep your relationship alive. Ask him if he will make that commitment as well. If he does not, pivot and focus on your own life and the other family members who are alive. That may be the best you can do.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)