DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating a guy for about three months now. He seems to have his sights set on building a good life for himself. He is frugal and kind. He seems to have a really good attitude about moving forward in his life, and I like that about him. I just learned that he has a mouth full of dentures. It turns out he wasn't always so responsible, and he let his teeth rot, or so it seems. This man is in his early 40s and doesn't have any of his real teeth. Learning this really bothers me. To be fair, he has told me that he is reinventing himself, and it looks like he is on a good path, but how could he have been that irresponsible? And what else don't I know? I don't mean to be judgmental, but I feel like this is a sign of other things that might be way off. How do I find out? -- Beyond the Smile, Dallas

DEAR BEYOND THE SMILE: You have described someone who seems to be focused on making a good life for himself. You have dated him for a short time, so there is no way that you could already have all of the information about who he is. Relax and take your time. Choose to discover more about him. Ask him about his dating history, his work history and what he has done in his life over his adult years. Address the elephant in the room: Ask him what happened that he lost all of his teeth. Sometimes people lose teeth due to neglect. Other times it is because of gum disease or other illness. Don't be shy. Ask so that you can understand his health history and life choices.

As you talk to him, think about your own life. What has occurred that you are not so proud of? What choices do you wish you had made differently? Seek balance in your view of him by taking a sober look at your own life and sharing that with him during these talks.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family has a summer house on Long Island, and we enjoy spending time there with friends. We are traveling for about a month, and we have invited close friends to spend a weekend at our house while we are away. We gave them the stipulation that they should not invite guests over, though. Last year, we made the same offer to other friends, who then had a party at our house. We didn't like that. Do you think it's selfish of us to allow friends to enjoy our house with the caveat of not having guests? -- Guest Rules, Easthampton, New York

DEAR GUEST RULES: You have every right to decide who can enjoy your house -- including when you are not there. At the same time, in a resort community it is common for people to go from house to house visiting friends. That is different from having a party, though. Decide if you want no guests to visit at all or if you are banning parties. Whatever you decide is fine. Just know that not allowing anyone to stop by could be more of a challenge for people who are hanging out on the island.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am Jewish and have known that there are anti-Semitic country clubs in the nation. I live in Long Island and am surrounded by plenty of accepting country clubs. I have recently found out one of my friends belongs to a club that, although not explicitly stated, has no Jewish members due to a history of anti-Semitism. No one in her family is Jewish, and I doubt she knows how widespread the discrimination can be. I find offense with their choice of country club. Is it inappropriate for me to suggest she change clubs? Should I assume she is anti-Semitic? -- Anti-Friend, Commack, New York

DEAR ANTI-FRIEND: I will start by saying you shouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions. You are already judging your friend because of this affiliation, and it may not be valid. She may not be aware of the history of her country club. Unless you know that it currently practices anti-Semitism, you should tread lightly. That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to her about it. But don't come with hearsay. What have you concretely learned about this club's history and its current status? You can share with her what you know and how you learned it. Tell her how uncomfortable it makes you.

I do not think you should immediately ask her to change clubs. You can open her eyes to your discomfort about the club's history and that she is part of its community.

I remember as a young woman complaining to my mother about certain stores that she frequented in our hometown of Baltimore. One that she liked a lot had been rude to her when I was a child, and I remembered the racist incident. When I asked my mother why she continued to patronize that store, she told me that if she were to boycott all of the stores that had been discriminatory against African-Americans in the past, she would have virtually nowhere to shop. So, she chose to forgive those that had changed their ways.

Obviously, it is unwise for your friend to patronize a club that continues to discriminate. I say find out if that is actually true, though, before you press her to rescind her membership.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am invited to spend the weekend at a friend's summer house in Massachusetts. I have never done this before, so I'm not sure what to bring. Should I bring food and linens? Do I offer her money to contribute to the cost of the weekend? I'm stumped. -- Moving Up, Philadelphia

DEAR MOVING UP: Start by asking your friend what you should bring with you. Chances are, you won't need sheets. You may need a bathing suit, casual clothing for the daytime and cocktail wear for the evening. It is smart for a man to bring a jacket in case you go to a restaurant or club that requires it. Ask about the activities you may be participating in so that you are ready for them in terms of wardrobe. You can bring a bottle of wine as a host gift. And, as things are purchased, you can offer to contribute.

DEAR HARRIETTE: On my morning commute, there is a blind man with a service dog. We have never spoken, but we have been getting on the same train for the past couple of weeks now. A couple of days ago, there were two women making rude comments about how his service dog smelled. Another woman chimed in on how the dog was touching her on the packed train. The three of them continued as if the man was not even there. I wanted to stand up for him, but had no idea if it would be appropriate for me to do. The man is probably thirty years my senior and has a functioning job. He did not say anything to the women, and neither did I. Should I have said something? -- Tongue-tied, Queens, New York

DEAR TONGUE-TIED: Yes, you should have spoken up. This is an instance where it's better to be an ally than a bystander who allows someone to be disrespectful to another. You could have said, "It can be hard to ride a packed train with lots of people and sometimes animals, but that doesn't give you the right to be disrespectful to this man. I see him all the time, heading to work just like the rest of us. Please stop saying such rude things. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if someone talked about you like that."

I realize that it takes a lot of courage to say that, but if you can do so in a calm, compassionate tone, you can potentially put out the fire rather than stoke the flame.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Although I know how inappropriate it is, I need to learn how to cancel plans as politely as possible. With a new, longer work schedule, I am sometimes simply drained when I get home. I have started to lessen my social schedule, but there are certain pre-existing events I have already agreed to. I know I will not be at my best and would like to politely decline the offers that I have already accepted. I know this is a faux pas. Should I make up excuses? -- No Reservations, Dallas

DEAR NO RESERVATIONS: I am a big fan of the truth. Be proactive and contact the people with whom you have scheduled engagements that you feel you need to cancel. Be honest. Tell them that you do want to get together, but that you do not have the energy to do so right now. Explain how your life has changed. You can briefly describe your new work schedule and add how you feel about it. For instance, if you are enjoying the work even though the workload is heavy, say so. Perhaps this is your time to devote more of your time to building your work life and career. Tell your friends that you look forward to getting together in the future, but for now you need some downtime to rest and be able to show up at work raring to go!