DEAR READERS: Today marks the anniversary of independence for our great nation. At a time when the freedom of so many of our citizens is being questioned, compromised and otherwise made less stable, it is essential for us to think about who we are. Without question, there are flaws in this great experiment in democracy. And yet, when I travel to different parts of the world, I see beauty all around while valuing my own country that much more.

When bad things happen stateside, many people stop to think about what they can or should do to make a difference. During certain political elections, depending on which side a person is on, there's plenty of talk about defecting to another country. Guess what? This isn't new. Going back as far as Marcus Garvey, there have been leaders who attempted to liberate Americans in bondage. Even then, the better choice turned out to be fighting on this soil for equal rights -- or so many believe.

Today, our country is in the midst of waging war all around the world in order to preserve our freedom here. Yes, there are people who fall on both sides of this debate over whether we should have boots on the ground in different regions of the world. A bigger discussion, though, is happening on our own soil.

A scab has been pulled off a very old wound, one that was created back when our country was founded. I see, through my own experience as well as through many years of studying racism and the insidious nature of how it plays out in everyday life, that our country must tackle it head-on so we can move past our unhealed sores.

Too many tragic events have occurred in the past year alone that point to the need for a national discussion about what Rodney King infamously asked: "Why can't we all just get along?" Interestingly, I believe the reason it is so hard for people of all backgrounds, genders, sexual orientations, races and economic status to cohabitate peacefully has everything to do with the capitalistic desire to want what we want when we want it, no matter what.

What happens when you feel contracted because there is something you want and believe you deserve, but you cannot have? And worse, when someone from a different group than you has that very thing?

In the simplest of descriptions, this is what happened to Dylann Roof, the young man who had been baptized into white supremacist thinking, who traveled to an historic African-American church in Charleston, South Carolina, and who murdered eight parishioners plus the pastor. His thinking got tangled in a web of rhetoric.

How often does this happen? Dare I say "too often"? Racism trumps most of the other "-isms" in terms of its breadth and depth, yet the reality is that discrimination of any kind erodes the very foundation of our country and its culture.

On this day of independence, I challenge us all to consider new ways of considering each other, starting with making the choice to accept those before us for who they are, without judgment. What happens then? From that vantage, we create the chance to redefine our truth. We make space to recognize and welcome the humanity in each and every one of us, even when we do not understand who is facing us.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was hanging out with a group of friends last weekend when I heard a kind of disturbing thing. As we were going around the room telling things about ourselves, it became apparent that one of our friends is in trouble. She is so bitter. Each of us was saying how long we had been married, and when it got to her, she said the number -- which was above 15 years -- but with disdain. She then uttered under her breath that it probably wasn't going to last. That one comment blossomed into a long list of things that are wrong with her husband and her marriage. It was awkward since he was definitely within earshot. I tried to calm her down, in part by suggesting that we talk about it privately later. But now, I really don't know what to do. I'm not a therapist, and I have no idea what to say to her about her marriage. I know couples go through all kinds of stuff over the years, but I can't advise her. Should I back out of our get-together? If not, what should I say to her? -- No Advice Here, Saratoga Springs, New York

DEAR NO ADVICE HERE: If your friend follows up to get together -- which is a big "if," given that a lot of people spout off in the moment but don't want to get into the weeds when a sounder mind prevails -- you can agree to meet with her. Before the conversation gets cooking, say upfront that you are no expert. Be a good listener, but if she wants advice, suggest she go directly to a professional. Do not get caught up in her drama to the point where you attempt to turn your story into hers. It's OK if you don't have parallels. Just listen. Tell her you care about her and her husband and family, and you pray that they can find peace. If she asks you to take sides, tell her that you will not do that. You have learned that it is very important not to get in the middle of people's marriages. It is up to them to figure that out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am at a loss for how to help my niece, who is almost 30 years old and still doesn't have her life together. She never finished college. She has not been able to keep a job because she hasn't developed the discipline to get up and go to work on time if she doesn't like the work she's doing. It seems like she expects other people to pay her way in life. I can't believe it, but I look into the future and only see her as a leech. Like she could become a brilliant homeless woman. How can I help her to turn her life around? Nothing has seemed to work yet. -- Olive Branch, Dallas

DEAR OLIVE BRANCH: Sometimes you have to let go in order to give people the space to figure out where they are in their lives. Your niece needs to hit her own bottom in order to determine how to climb out of it. Tell her that you will be there for her when she starts making smart choices, but for now, you have to love her from a distance.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: As my peers and I are gearing up to go into the workforce, some of my friends have begun to introduce themselves with their full names. They were previously always known by nicknames, and I have begun to question if this transition indicates that I should now refer to them more formally as well. I have a long name myself and have had nicknames my whole life. I am OK with being referred to casually by friends. Now that we are getting older, what should I call my friends? -- Name Change, Boston

DEAR NAME CHANGE: Entering the workforce is a major turning point in life. It is wise to think about every aspect of how you identify yourself and your friends. Nicknames tend to be too casual for work environments. Similarly, email addresses that feature nicknames or catchphrases are not appropriate for work environments. Take a look at your social media handles as well.

To professionalize your life, you must take a fresh look at everything that defines you to see if it remains in alignment with who you are today and who you intend to become. From there, you can take steps to refine your self-identity.

To that end, if your friends are formalizing their names, honor their decision by calling them what they now choose to call themselves. You can also ask them if they want their former names to be names of the past entirely, or if they are still OK for friend time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My partner and I have big family dinners. Between the two of us, we have six children, and many of them have boyfriends and girlfriends, so we usually have a dozen people at a dinner. One boy is 16, but the rest of the children are legal adults. With so many people, I find it hard to seat them. Is having a "kids' table" inappropriate? It is nearly impossible to find a table that seats a dozen people, but I am worried that they will find this offensive. -- Modern Family, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR MODERN FAMILY: Since the "kids" aren't young children, it will be important for you to use other language. But you can absolutely have more than one table for the meals, and they can be in separate rooms if needed. Chances are, the younger people will appreciate being slightly segregated. Their conversation topics are likely different from the adults', so it will probably be a relief not to have to sit with you. Sorry, but it's true!

At the same time, you do not have to tell people where to sit. Just have enough room for everyone, and let them pick where they want to be. Since you host these meals frequently, you may find that people rotate their seats. Older folks may want to cozy up to younger folks sometimes -- and vice versa.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)