DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter just turned 16, and she got her driver's license. It seems like all of her friends are getting cars as gifts to go along with their new freedom to drive. My husband and I are not in a position to buy a car for our daughter, but she really wants us to. My husband told her to get a job if she wants a car. She can save up money and buy one when the time is right. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I had a part-time job when I was 16, but she has only had baby-sitting jobs. Is that enough? I don't know. I do know that we can't buy her a car right now, nor do we think that is a precedent to set. What do you think? -- She Wants a Car, Detroit

DEAR SHE WANTS A CAR: It can be tough on children and their parents when peer pressure takes over, especially when that pressure includes doling out big bucks. I learned early on that people value things most when they have to work for them. You are perfectly in line to want your daughter to work to buy her own car. There are plenty of used cars on the market that can be much more affordable than new cars. You may want to look online with her at some of these options. This will help her define a financial goal. As far as work goes, baby-sitting can be lucrative. She may want to expand her hours and save as much of the money as she can. As her parents, you may want to match her contribution to a car or give whatever amount you can. This will help her see that you are there to support her, but that she has to put forth significant effort, too.

As far as driving right now, let her drive your car as often as is viable. That way, she will still be able to be mobile without having to rely on her friends.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son spent the day with one of his friends, and the plan was for them to go to an amusement park and go out to lunch with the family. Because they were planning to do things that cost money, I gave my son money, and also told the mom that he had money for the day. She seemed insulted that I would give my son money when they were hosting him for the day. Did I do the wrong thing? I would never expect someone to have to pay for him. It was generous that they did, but I would never want to be presumptuous. How should I have handled this situation? -- Who Pays, Washington, D.C.

DEAR WHO PAYS: You were right to give your son money to be able to pay his own way. It was also generous and quite normal for the other family to pay for him since he was their guest. Next time, definitely give your son the money, but don't point it out to the family. If he wants to buy something, he will have money to do so. When you host their child, treat him to whatever you are doing together.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been getting serious. I have met all of his children, and I even attended his daughter's high school plays and graduation at her boarding school in another state. My boyfriend's ex-wife is not involved in her children's lives at all, so I am invited to practically every event to root them on. Since I have been invited to so many of their life events, I decided it would be nice to invite my boyfriend to my daughter's events, like prom and graduation. I have learned she is incredibly opposed to having my boyfriend there if her father can attend. I tell her it is not fair for me to be invited and not extend the invitation back. She said it's because they do not have a mother to attend these events. I have invited my boyfriend to her graduation behind her back, and my ex-husband is bringing his new wife as well. She found out and is not happy with our decisions. What should I do? -- Modern Family Faux Pas, Syracuse, New York

DEAR MODERN FAMILY FAUX PAS: Family dynamics, especially among divorced families, can be complicated, to say the least. Your daughter may be holding on to a naive desire to keep some semblance of her family together for her milestone moments. If she has a good relationship with you and her father, she probably wants the simplicity of her family being present and together, even if it is only for a moment.

You and your ex-husband have moved on while she has not. In order to work this out, you need to talk to her and come to a meeting of the minds. It may be that you grant her the gift of her milestones without your new families -- because these are her moments. Or you work it out with her so that she is willing to welcome these other people into her life. Decide together rather than behind her back.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My auntie is getting up in age. She is nearing 90. We have always loved each other, but we haven't always stayed in touch. I feel kind of guilty about that. She is my family, and I know she needs me now. I live the closest to her out of the family. I feel like I should step up and be more attentive, but I feel so guilty about not being there for her in the past. How can I get past my guilt so that I can be an asset to her in her twilight years? -- Beyond the Guilt, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR BEYOND THE GUILT: Instead of being stuck in the past, now is your time to claim the present. If you can keep your focus on the present, you do not have to be paralyzed by your behavior in the past. Make a commitment to call your auntie on a regular basis. Start out with a few days a week. If you can get to a daily call, that would be fantastic. The calls don't have to be long. You can call and check in, tell her you love her and ask her about her day. Always ask if she needs help. Visit her once a week, if you can. This will help your family to have "eyes" on her in case she needs more support.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I adore my daughter's boyfriend. He is a year older than my daughter, and he is polite, smart and funny. My daughter is going to college hours away while he is at New York University. He plans on transferring out of state, and it upsets me because I always enjoy spending time with him, and I will miss him so much. I want him to stay at NYU so at least he and I could see each other when my daughter is away. My daughter finds this "creepy," but I do not want to see both of them leave me. What should I do? -- Empty Nest Times Two, Bronxville, New York

DEAR EMPTY NEST TIMES TWO: I hate to say this, but your daughter is right. Yes, it can be devastating to have your child leave home to go away to college, even as you knew it was going to happen one day. It is also lovely that you have such a positive relationship with her boyfriend. That said, it is inappropriate for you to attempt to keep either of them nearby. Now is the time for them to spread their wings and build their lives as young adults. You should do nothing to stand in their way. Your job is to support your daughter as she pursues her education. You should be available to talk to her as she works through whatever challenges come her way. If she and her boyfriend like that you stay in touch with him, you can do so -- to a certain extent. You must remember that he is not your child. And who knows if the two of them will stay together. They are young. Let them figure out their long-distance relationship without having a pseudo mother-in-law in the mix complicating matters.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a niece who is smart and stupid at the same time. She has been floundering about for years. She never finished school. She freeloads off all of her family members and gets indignant when people question her choices in life. She came and stayed with me for a few weeks some years back, hoping to figure out her life. The visit was a disaster. She had no direction, no discipline and no money. She just asked me if she could come back to stay with me again. I don't think I am up for her. I tried everything I could think of to help her. She didn't listen before. I don't want to be in the middle of it this time, because I really don't think it will help any. What should I do? -- At My Wits' End, Orlando, Florida

DEAR AT MY WITS' END: You have every right to turn her down. This family member is not your responsibility, even though I'm sure you want her to be successful. It could be that saying "no" is what she needs to hear so that she recognizes that she has to be in charge of her life.

What you may want to do is call her parents and let them know that you are not inviting her to visit you. Sometimes the village that it takes to raise a child includes village members who tell that child to stand up and be independent.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)