DEAR HARRIETTE: I adore my daughter's boyfriend. He is a year older than my daughter, and he is polite, smart and funny. My daughter is going to college hours away while he is at New York University. He plans on transferring out of state, and it upsets me because I always enjoy spending time with him, and I will miss him so much. I want him to stay at NYU so at least he and I could see each other when my daughter is away. My daughter finds this "creepy," but I do not want to see both of them leave me. What should I do? -- Empty Nest Times Two, Bronxville, New York

DEAR EMPTY NEST TIMES TWO: I hate to say this, but your daughter is right. Yes, it can be devastating to have your child leave home to go away to college, even as you knew it was going to happen one day. It is also lovely that you have such a positive relationship with her boyfriend. That said, it is inappropriate for you to attempt to keep either of them nearby. Now is the time for them to spread their wings and build their lives as young adults. You should do nothing to stand in their way. Your job is to support your daughter as she pursues her education. You should be available to talk to her as she works through whatever challenges come her way. If she and her boyfriend like that you stay in touch with him, you can do so -- to a certain extent. You must remember that he is not your child. And who knows if the two of them will stay together. They are young. Let them figure out their long-distance relationship without having a pseudo mother-in-law in the mix complicating matters.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a niece who is smart and stupid at the same time. She has been floundering about for years. She never finished school. She freeloads off all of her family members and gets indignant when people question her choices in life. She came and stayed with me for a few weeks some years back, hoping to figure out her life. The visit was a disaster. She had no direction, no discipline and no money. She just asked me if she could come back to stay with me again. I don't think I am up for her. I tried everything I could think of to help her. She didn't listen before. I don't want to be in the middle of it this time, because I really don't think it will help any. What should I do? -- At My Wits' End, Orlando, Florida

DEAR AT MY WITS' END: You have every right to turn her down. This family member is not your responsibility, even though I'm sure you want her to be successful. It could be that saying "no" is what she needs to hear so that she recognizes that she has to be in charge of her life.

What you may want to do is call her parents and let them know that you are not inviting her to visit you. Sometimes the village that it takes to raise a child includes village members who tell that child to stand up and be independent.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends enjoy being comfortable, and I respect their fashion choices. But now we are all growing up and attending more formal events and dinners, yet there are some girls who ask if they can wear sweatpants to go out. I would never be seen wearing sweatpants, but I know some people value comfort. I have tried planning dressier brunches, yet some girls do not seem to understand neon flip-flops and short shorts are not appropriate. Am I being outrageous and overreacting, or am I allowed to tell everyone to be more put together? -- Dressed Up, Detroit

DEAR DRESSED UP: This is why dress codes are so helpful. Typically, what used to happen when people hosted events is that they wrote the dress code on the invitation. I recommend it. You can put it on an evite or a traditionally posted invitation where you describe how you want people to dress -- anything from cocktail attire (which means a dress and heels for women, jacket and tie for men) to festive dress (which suggests dressing up, but more playfully). You can request no jeans, no shorts -- whatever you want. But to encourage your friends to step up their attire, your best bet is to make the invitation fun rather than a reprimand.

DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the etiquette regarding a potluck dinner? I was once invited to a potluck dinner, but then was told I was not allowed to bring any food because my kitchen is not up to religious standards. Now I would like to plan my own potluck. Am I allowed to permit whatever food someone would like to bring, or should I regulate everyone's dish based off of some people's religious restrictions? I'd like to give everyone creative freedom but do not want to isolate those with religious, or even dietary, restrictions. -- Potluck Problems, Chicago

DEAR POTLUCK PROBLEMS: When people are invited to participate in a potluck meal, meaning to bring a dish, they often are given a list of what items are needed. In this way they can check off of the list what they will bring and others won't replicate that. If some guests have dietary restrictions, whether they are related to allergies or religious guidelines, that should be made clear from the beginning. The way that you were uninvited from bringing a dish was rude. You could have been asked to bring a beverage or some other item that wouldn't violate the host's dietary guidelines.

For your potluck, you do not need to create special guidelines unless your friend group requires them. Instead, you can create a framework for your potluck and invite your friends to participate. You can also ask if any of your guests have dietary restrictions so that you are sensitive to them. You do not need to design a meal based on others' preferences, though.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I cannot make my son be independent. He is 29 years old and has made his father and me pay for his college education, only to drop out months before he gets a degree. Our son was a month away from receiving his engineering degree, only to switch over to design and begin again. Three months before his graduation from that school, he decides to switch over to construction management. I want him to get a degree in something he truly loves, but I am sick of his reluctance to be independent. University is not cheap, and I want him to go on, get a job and flourish as an adult. How can I make my son mature and do something with his life without pushing him away? -- Getting Him to Grow Up, San Diego

DEAR GETTING HIM TO GROW UP: Perhaps your toughest job is before you. In order to help your son become independent, you have to cut the proverbial cord. If he hasn't figured out how to complete his education yet, your willingness to keep paying for him to figure it out is doing him no favors.

Cut off all financial support. If your son lives with you, explain that he needs to find a job and start contributing to the household expenses immediately. Tell him that if he wants to continue his education, he has to find the money on his own. Your son is almost 30. It's past time for him to step up. As long as you continue to catch him whenever he falters, he may never fully understand his responsibility.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am worried about my son. His fiancee is a body builder, and he has been sucked into this lifestyle as well. I love health and have a Ph.D. myself, but their crash dieting for competitions worries me. They do not even drink water for days at a time. I support activities for couples, but I think they go too far in this quest for physical perfection. Should I bring this up to them or hope it is a phase that will fade away? They have been doing this together for years now. -- Worried Mom, Racine, Wisconsin

DEAR WORRIED MOM: A parent's role when children are adults can seem precarious. On one hand, you know that you need to give your son space to learn and grow as an adult. On the other, when you see behavior that concerns you, it is only natural that you want to step in and provide direction. In this case, it sounds like you may have waited longer than is healthy to step in and say something.

Talk to your son. If you think he will hear you better if you talk to them together, you can try that. Express your concern that they sometimes go to the extreme in their fitness regimen and that you are worried about them. Suggest that your son get a complete physical. That should at least give him -- and you -- peace of mind.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)