DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends enjoy being comfortable, and I respect their fashion choices. But now we are all growing up and attending more formal events and dinners, yet there are some girls who ask if they can wear sweatpants to go out. I would never be seen wearing sweatpants, but I know some people value comfort. I have tried planning dressier brunches, yet some girls do not seem to understand neon flip-flops and short shorts are not appropriate. Am I being outrageous and overreacting, or am I allowed to tell everyone to be more put together? -- Dressed Up, Detroit

DEAR DRESSED UP: This is why dress codes are so helpful. Typically, what used to happen when people hosted events is that they wrote the dress code on the invitation. I recommend it. You can put it on an evite or a traditionally posted invitation where you describe how you want people to dress -- anything from cocktail attire (which means a dress and heels for women, jacket and tie for men) to festive dress (which suggests dressing up, but more playfully). You can request no jeans, no shorts -- whatever you want. But to encourage your friends to step up their attire, your best bet is to make the invitation fun rather than a reprimand.

DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the etiquette regarding a potluck dinner? I was once invited to a potluck dinner, but then was told I was not allowed to bring any food because my kitchen is not up to religious standards. Now I would like to plan my own potluck. Am I allowed to permit whatever food someone would like to bring, or should I regulate everyone's dish based off of some people's religious restrictions? I'd like to give everyone creative freedom but do not want to isolate those with religious, or even dietary, restrictions. -- Potluck Problems, Chicago

DEAR POTLUCK PROBLEMS: When people are invited to participate in a potluck meal, meaning to bring a dish, they often are given a list of what items are needed. In this way they can check off of the list what they will bring and others won't replicate that. If some guests have dietary restrictions, whether they are related to allergies or religious guidelines, that should be made clear from the beginning. The way that you were uninvited from bringing a dish was rude. You could have been asked to bring a beverage or some other item that wouldn't violate the host's dietary guidelines.

For your potluck, you do not need to create special guidelines unless your friend group requires them. Instead, you can create a framework for your potluck and invite your friends to participate. You can also ask if any of your guests have dietary restrictions so that you are sensitive to them. You do not need to design a meal based on others' preferences, though.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I cannot make my son be independent. He is 29 years old and has made his father and me pay for his college education, only to drop out months before he gets a degree. Our son was a month away from receiving his engineering degree, only to switch over to design and begin again. Three months before his graduation from that school, he decides to switch over to construction management. I want him to get a degree in something he truly loves, but I am sick of his reluctance to be independent. University is not cheap, and I want him to go on, get a job and flourish as an adult. How can I make my son mature and do something with his life without pushing him away? -- Getting Him to Grow Up, San Diego

DEAR GETTING HIM TO GROW UP: Perhaps your toughest job is before you. In order to help your son become independent, you have to cut the proverbial cord. If he hasn't figured out how to complete his education yet, your willingness to keep paying for him to figure it out is doing him no favors.

Cut off all financial support. If your son lives with you, explain that he needs to find a job and start contributing to the household expenses immediately. Tell him that if he wants to continue his education, he has to find the money on his own. Your son is almost 30. It's past time for him to step up. As long as you continue to catch him whenever he falters, he may never fully understand his responsibility.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am worried about my son. His fiancee is a body builder, and he has been sucked into this lifestyle as well. I love health and have a Ph.D. myself, but their crash dieting for competitions worries me. They do not even drink water for days at a time. I support activities for couples, but I think they go too far in this quest for physical perfection. Should I bring this up to them or hope it is a phase that will fade away? They have been doing this together for years now. -- Worried Mom, Racine, Wisconsin

DEAR WORRIED MOM: A parent's role when children are adults can seem precarious. On one hand, you know that you need to give your son space to learn and grow as an adult. On the other, when you see behavior that concerns you, it is only natural that you want to step in and provide direction. In this case, it sounds like you may have waited longer than is healthy to step in and say something.

Talk to your son. If you think he will hear you better if you talk to them together, you can try that. Express your concern that they sometimes go to the extreme in their fitness regimen and that you are worried about them. Suggest that your son get a complete physical. That should at least give him -- and you -- peace of mind.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: In middle school, I became friends with a girl named Alice. Alice later moved to Japan, and we became email pen pals. Alice and I would email regularly for two years and became even closer than we were when we lived in the same town. We lost touch, and, much to my surprise, a year later she came back to my hometown. When we first saw each other, neither of us made a move to acknowledge the other. Now that some time has passed since that moment, I wonder if it is too late to try to salvage our friendship. The initial awkward moment separated us, and I want to know if there's anything I can say to break the ice. -- Surprise Reunion, Dallas

DEAR SURPRISE REUNION: If you can figure out how to find your long-lost friend, by all means attempt to contact her. Call her and admit that you were so surprised to see her that you were speechless. Tell her how happy you are that she is stateside and that you would love the opportunity to get together and catch up.

You are much more grown-up than when you last were friends, so finding a friendship today will require you to see each other for who you are, acknowledge the closeness you once had, and then spend time together to see if you still share interests. If you want to find out, tell her you think the potential rekindled friendship is worth the effort.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I do not sympathize with picky eaters. I am very sympathetic to food allergies, but I rarely understand a refusal to try anything new when there is no medical condition prohibiting it. Some of my friends are picky eaters, and this comes to light when we are trying to make dinner plans. I am not happy with eating and spending my money at generic restaurants and would like to explore more creative dining options. How do I bring up this idea amongst my friends? I do not want to alienate anybody, but I have found myself turning down dinner plans because I cannot handle another night at a chain chicken wing place. I know I cannot change anybody, so is not inviting some people an exclusion or selective planning? -- New Culinary Horizons, New York City

DEAR NEW CULINARY HORIZONS: You should consider starting a dining club. Just like a book club, this group can be formed as a gathering of people who want to explore new cuisines together. You will expand your horizons foodwise and friendwise. A bonus for your core group of friends is that the pressure will be off of them to have to conform to your broader palate. When you spend time with them, don't assign so much value to what you are eating. Let the focus be on being together.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)