DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents are divorced but have a relatively amiable relationship, especially for a divorced couple. Last year for Father's Day, my mother, sister and I organized a brunch for him in a nearby bistro. He did not even show up or call us. My sister and mother were very hurt, but I half-expected this behavior from him. With Father's Day coming up this year, do I ignore last year or not even try to celebrate with him? -- Bother With a Father, Syracuse, NY

DEAR BOTHER WITH A FATHER: My mother used to tell me when I would complain about a man I liked who often misbehaved, "To know him is to know that," meaning people are the way they are. We often want to change them, but it usually does not work. In your father's case, he has proven that he is unreliable when it comes to celebrations. So now you know that.

What you must do this year is to honor him without creating too much vulnerability for yourself. You can do that by getting a gift for him and sending it to him in advance so that he has it for Father's Day. You and your family can call him when you are together and leave a voice mail for him if he doesn't pick up. What's essential is that you can experience closure whether he is present or not. In that way, you reduce the chances of feeling hurt or angry.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love making and creating things. Is there any etiquette regarding homemade gifts? I'd love to make gifts for others, but I am not sure if those gifts are seen as cheap or undesirable. With birthdays and other celebrations, I like personalizing gifts. Are homemade gifts out of style and shabby? -- Do It on My Own, Salt Lake City

DEAR DO IT ON MY OWN: A homemade gift can be the best, most sincere gift a person ever receives. That is, if the person creating the gift keeps the gift recipient(s) in mind. For example, do make chocolate chip cookies for chocoholics. Don't give chocolate to someone who is allergic or uninterested. Do give an art object to someone who enjoys tchotchkes. Do not offer that same thing to a neat freak whose home has no extras sitting around.

The saying is, "it's the thought that counts." When it comes to homemade gifts, think long and hard about the person who will be receiving the gift. Create something that you believe that person will appreciate not only because you created it, but also because he or she values what it is. That's when you have a win-win situation. By the way, the best gifts are often the most affordable. The way they touch the heart is what matters.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father is planning a trip to his home in Poland over the next holiday season. I am excited to see my family, and we will make multiple stops in Poland to visit most of the relatives. I will not have been to Poland in two years, and it being the holiday season, will I be expected to have a gift from America for every family member I see? I will visit upwards of 20 family members, and do not want to overpack the suitcase and use all of my spending money. Do I have to bring everyone a gift? Could I buy some of the gifts in Poland? I know it's awhile away, but I am already worried. -- Thrifty Holiday, Greenwich, Connecticut

DEAR THRIFTY HOLIDAY: Whether it's holiday time or not, you definitely should come bearing gifts for each family member. Trust that just a small, affordable memento from America will be treasured by whomever receives it.

Rather than fretting about the cost of these items, consider some options. First, talk to your father and ask him if you can pool your resources and purchase gifts as a family for everyone. Tell him how much you can comfortably contribute, and ask him what he is able to give.

Make a list of all of your family members. Think about what they might appreciate. You can select anything from American candy to miniature likenesses of the Statue of Liberty or Mickey Mouse. Consider beauty products, like fingernail polish, that travels well. If you subscribe to magazines, consider bringing your old copies as giveaways. Books are great gifts as well. Depending on where your family lives and their interests, these things may not be readily accessible to them.

If you are up to it, you could also make gifts for the family. Something made with love specifically for them may be hugely popular.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am not attending my cousin's wedding next September. I will be in school in America, and the wedding is in Europe. I am not too bummed about missing it, but I do not know what to say to my cousin when I see him this summer. I wish him the best, but I need to learn in college and be frugal during the time that he is having his special day. -- I Do ... Not, Dallas

DEAR I DO ... NOT: Start by wholeheartedly congratulating your cousin on his upcoming wedding. When you are together, learn all that you can about his bride-to-be. Make an effort to be with him as he shares his excitement about his upcoming nuptials. If his fiance is also there, by all means spend time with her, getting to know her and establishing a bond that will be strong across the water.

Toward the end of your time together, tell him that as much as you would like to be there in person to celebrate his union, you are unable to attend because you will be in school. Offer your blessings, love and support for his very special day as you make it clear that you cannot come because you will be away at school. Send a gift and a lovely card. And stay in touch. That will be your real gift to them.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My grandfather has had multiple wives throughout his life. His most recent marriage produced a son who is 10 years younger than I am, leaving me with a 13-year-old uncle. I do not have a close relationship with him, so he is practically a stranger to me. I recently saw him for the first time in three years and was shocked by his appearance. He was severely overweight and lacked some basic social cues. Since my grandfather is in his mid-80s, I understand that he does not have the energy to constantly watch over my little uncle, but it is scary to see such a young kid dealing with these problems. Since I do not have that much of a relationship with him, I do not know what I can do to help him with his weight and social skills. How should I approach this situation? -- Looking Out for Family, Cincinnati

DEAR LOOKING OUT FOR FAMILY: If you can, invite him to spend some time with you this summer -- it would be great if you could welcome him to stay with you for a week or more so the two of you can hang out and get to know each other. Over the course of your time together, cook meals for him and invite him to learn to cook with you. You can do light exercise, such as walking in a park. You can ease your uncle into your personal patterns, even if you have to tailor them to be less rigorous. Generally speaking, people do not like to hear others ridicule them about anything, especially their weight. If you can lead by example and show your uncle a healthier lifestyle that is complete with solid social skills, you may be able to inspire him to learn more.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently went out to lunch with one of my friends and had an awkward situation with a waiter. It took at least 10 minutes to be seated, even though there were only two other people in the restaurant. Once we were seated, it took a while to have our orders taken, our water was never filled and our waiter was rude. Once our meal was over -- taking way more time than we had anticipated -- we decided to leave a $1 tip on the $20 bill due to the horrible service. As soon as we were a couple of steps away from the restaurant, we heard the waiter yelling and running after us with the bill in hand. Once he had our attention, he proceeded to point to the bill and repeat the number, signifying that we did not tip to his pleasure. Just to put an end to the situation, I handed him a $5 bill. While I know it is bad not to tip, we had horrible service. The waiter was completely inappropriate about the entire situation. In the future, how should I handle situations like this? -- Keep the Check, Denver

DEAR KEEP THE CHECK: Next time, speak to the waiter's boss early on. Explain that the service has been poor and ask for support. At the end of a poorly served meal, speak to the maitre d' or owner, and express your displeasure with the service. Also leave a small tip.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)