DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned from my son's school that he is not doing as well in math as we had hoped. He doesn't have to go to summer school, but it would be helpful for him to have support so that he could do better next year. We have already set him up in a number of programs for the summer, all of which are fun-based. Now I realize that we have to add tutoring. How do I break it down to him so that he will pay attention and do the real work when he expects to have the summer off to just have fun? -- Getting to the Point, Detroit

DEAR GETTING TO THE POINT: Before summer starts, sit down with your son and review his grades and whatever additional information you have gathered from his school. Ask your son to talk to you about how he has done in class. Do your best to get him to talk about where he may need support. If you can create a safe space in your conversation that allows your son to open up about his academic life, it will be easier to establish buy-in for the tutoring.

Talk to your son about the schedule you have put in place for him for the summer. Point out that you have added regular tutoring hours to it, based on his academic performance this year. Do not make it seem like tutoring is a punishment. Instead, point out that it is a support to ensure that he is prepared to step into the next academic year fully prepared. Then monitor his activities throughout the summer, and be sure to have him complete his studies before he jumps into fun. That way he can enjoy the best of his whole summer experience.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been trying to find a friend from high school because I came across some old letters from him from back in the day. I was cleaning out my house, and when I found them, they made me happy. I have had so much loss in the past few years between family members passing and a few friends in my age group, I want to find this old friend. Anyhow, I have asked around, and I learned that he is incarcerated. I feel so bad for him. I also wonder if I should follow up and send him a note or even visit him. It took some digging, but I know exactly where he is. My worry is that if I contact him, I will then need to somehow be responsible for him. What should I do? -- Finding a Friend, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR FINDING A FRIEND: You have gone far enough to figure out where this friend is. Don't stop now. Send him a letter telling him that you have been thinking about him and why. Enclose the letter that you found, if you like. Tell him that you wish him the best during this period of incarceration and that you want him to know that you are thinking hopeful thoughts for him.

You should expect to receive correspondence from him, and you may choose to become pen pals. You do not have to have an ongoing rapport with him, though. And you do not need to visit. Do what feels comfortable.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 8-year-old son is driving me bananas. He constantly leaves his bath towel pretty much anywhere in the house except where it belongs -- in the bathroom. I have reminded him time and again, and I have taken away privileges if he doesn't remember to put it back in the bathroom: Nothing seems to work. I am up to my ears in frustration about this. I don't want a wet towel on my bed or on the floor in his room. Why can't I get the point across so that he can follow directions? -- Towel Dry, Bronx, New York

DEAR TOWEL DRY: I hear your frustration screaming through your words. And I understand. Our children can push our buttons, and when that happens, it seems impossible for us to get them to understand the value of whatever lesson we are attempting to teach.

While the knee-jerk reaction may be to punish a child for not following directions, especially after having been reminded over and over again, there is another approach. I went to a seminar conducted by parenting coach Shelly McDonald, who suggests that threats and punishments never work. Based on the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber, McDonald encourages establishing respectful connection with your children rather than reprimands or blame.

As far as the wet towel is concerned, her approach would be to point out the reality -- there is a wet towel on the floor. Often, children recognize what to do after such a simple, non-judgmental revelation. Or saying the word "towel" could jumpstart the child to action, as opposed to, "I am sick and tired of having to pick up your towel all the time." By keeping your calm and guiding your child to right action without judgment, you stand a better chance of reaching your goal.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my close friends has been struggling with her self-image for many years. This struggle has caused her to do things such as crash diets. I thought that with age, these problems would go away. Instead, they have only gotten worse. These diets have gotten more intense as the years have gone by, and I am worried about what this might be doing to her health. I have brought up my concerns to her multiple times, but it always ends badly. How do I get my friend to love herself and begin treating her body right? -- Friendly Support, Los Angeles

DEAR FRIENDLY SUPPORT: The sad truth is that you are virtually helpless in this situation because you have no power over your friend's actions. She needs professional help to get her to see the impact that her choices are having on her life.

You do not have the power to love your friend into healthy action. If her behavior is impacting negatively on you, you may have to step away from her. That doesn't mean you don't love her, but you may need to say that you cannot watch her kill herself. Tell her you are praying for her to get the help she needs.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is nearing 32 and still living off her parents. She graduated from Yale and continued her studies at Duke as well as living abroad for a couple of years. But as the years passed, she was never able to commit to a job. I am worried that 10 more years will pass with nothing changing, and she will be left with no income. How do I approach her about getting her life together in a positive way? -- Being a Friend, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR BEING A FRIEND: Until your friend's parents stop enabling her, it will likely be extremely difficult for her to see the magnitude of her situation. On one hand, it is very generous of parents to support their adult children as they are completing their education and starting their lives. But at some point, it can become difficult for that adult child to learn how to be responsible and independent.

As a friend, you can attempt to talk to her about her choices. You might ask her about her dreams for the future. What does she want to do with her life? When does she plan to move out and be on her own? What can she do with the degrees she has? You can prompt discussion points, but she probably will not feel the pressure to "snap out of it" until she is pushed out of the family nest.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my close friends lost his roommate several years ago, and a little while after the death of his roommate, he lost another friend unexpectedly. Since those events, he has been unable to open up to people, try new things or basically live his life. I know losing people is one of the toughest things a person can go through, but it's been some time, and I don't want to see these tragedies shape the rest of his life. I have wanted to help this friend move on with his life, but I am unsure how to approach the situation since it is such a tough subject to talk about. Please tell me how to help my friend deal with his losses while gaining back his life? -- Choose Life, Washington, D.C.

DEAR CHOOSE LIFE: I listened to a minister, Dr. Michael Moore from Faith Chapel Christian Center in Birmingham, Alabama, preaching a sermon about the difference between mourning and grieving that was fascinating to me. He explained that when one loses a loved one, it is natural to mourn. You feel the sense of loss and have to go through a process of letting go, shedding tears and then healing. Grieving, on the other hand, he described as a state of being stuck in the sadness. When that happens, it becomes impossible to allow faith into your life, and darkness quickly takes over.

Your friend sounds like he is stuck in the space of grieving. The best you can do is encourage him to get professional help. He probably needs both spiritual and mental guidance in order to be freed from the dark space he is currently occupying. You can also pray for him.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)