Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 15-year-old daughter is having a hard time at school. She once got along with most of the girls and boys in her class, but now she seems to be ostracized by the lot of them. I know how girls can be. I had my fair share of torment from girls in my high school when I was growing up. The thing is, I do not know what to do to protect my daughter or even to guide her to a safe place. These girls are relentless. They either taunt my daughter or ignore her; at least that's what I can get out of her when she will talk. I want to do something, but my daughter has begged me not to say anything. How can I help her? -- Protecting My Girl, Seattle

DEAR PROTECTING MY GIRL: Keep the conversation going with your daughter by telling your own stories and those of other girls from your past who may have had similar experiences. Be sure to describe how you handled them, who helped you, what mistakes you think you made and what you might have done differently. Let her know that she is not alone, even as this is a very traumatic time for her.

Do your best to get her to talk to you. Listen for experiences that she is having that may seem dangerous. Monitor her whereabouts. Make sure she has a phone with tracking on it so that you can come to the rescue if needed. Check out her room thoroughly to look for indications of depression or drug or alcohol use. Some children who are taunted end up in those situations.

Finally, even though your daughter does not want you to talk to her school, if you fear for her safety, it is your duty to speak up. You can request a confidential meeting with the principal or guidance counselor to ask them to be on the lookout for your daughter and to intervene if it seems necessary.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My doorman and my ex-boyfriend got to be pretty close. My boyfriend and I were together for four years, and for a lot of that time, he basically lived with me. So our breakup was really bad. He cheated on me in my apartment, and when I caught him, I threw him out. This was about four months ago. Almost every day my doorman asks me about my ex. I told him early on that we broke up, but he can't seem to let it go. Should I tell him what my ex did to me? Sometimes I feel like my doorman is blaming me because we aren't together anymore. -- Shush the Doorman, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR SHUSH THE DOORMAN: Tell your doorman that you know he misses your ex, but that he is gone -- for good. Tell him it was a painful breakup for you, your boyfriend was not honorable and you don't want to talk about him. Ask your doorman to refrain from bringing up his name again.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I worked extremely hard on a pitch for my company throughout the winter. We presented it last week to our client, and my boss said he was very impressed. In the end, though, we did not get the business. Because of that, I am sure that I am going to lose my job. I work in advertising, and there is no project for me now. How can I leverage the goodwill that I gained from the work that I have done, including on this project, as I begin to search for work? Should I proactively ask my boss for a letter of recommendation? -- What's Next?, San Francisco

DEAR WHAT'S NEXT?: Starting with your boss is wise, but do not assume that you are automatically out of a job. Instead, believe that your boss will vouch for you because he sees your value. Go in and pitch yourself to him. Tell him that you are sorry that your company did not get the account that you worked so hard on, but you remain committed to doing great work and would like to continue working with him. Ask him what your chances are at the company and if there is other business that you can work on. Ask if he can see a way for you to have longevity there after this loss. By being frank and honest, you create space for him to do the same. Then you will learn how viable you are there and whether he will go to bat for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a high school student. I just got a phone, finally, because my parents didn't want me to have one before. I take really good care of it, too. So this is why I'm mad. I had my phone on the lunch table when I was eating with my friends, and when it was time to go, I realized that my earphones were nowhere to be found. Seriously, I looked all around. Half of my friends were gone by the time I noticed it, so I didn't get to ask everybody. How can I find out if somebody picked up my earphones by accident -- or otherwise -- without making a big fuss? They already think I'm hyper because I'm excited that I have a phone in the first place. -- At a Loss, Detroit

DEAR AT A LOSS: Before you overthink this, just ask your friends. I can't tell you how many times I have put down earphones and left them only to ask around and find that somebody had inadvertently picked them up. It is an innocent mistake.

Be honest. You left them on the lunch table, and they disappeared. Ask your friends if anybody has an extra set of earphones that they didn't realize they had. If you get them back, put a mark on them with a Sharpie or a piece of colored tape so that you can easily identify them in the future.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating a guy for several months now, and he just told me two completely different things. First, he almost proposed. He told me how much he cares for me and that he thinks he wants to spend his life with me. Wow, right? But then he also told me that his mother is ill, and he has to move back home indefinitely to take care of her. She is more than a thousand miles away in Louisiana. Really? He said he knew this would be a crazy thing to hear, but then he asked me if I would be willing to move to Louisiana with him. Nice, I guess, except he didn't propose. If I were to do that, which I might like, it would have to be with some clarity about what we are doing together. Given how fragile his mother's situation is, am I wrong to want to know what his plans are for us? -- Next Steps, Boston

DEAR NEXT STEPS: How about if you step back for a minute and assess the scenario from your own point of view. Do you want to spend your life with him? Do you want to get married? Do you want to get married to him? Can you afford to move to another town? Do you think you can find a job there? Has he said he will support you and his mother? What expectations would there be for your role in his mother's care? How do you feel about that?

These are some of the questions you need to be asking yourself and discussing with him. If you want to be with him and are prepared to have a real conversation about what you both want -- not just what he wants -- you will be able to gain clarity about what you should do.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my boyfriend of one year asked his best friend, who just came into town to visit, if he wanted to do a three-way with me. I couldn't believe it. We have never had that kind of conversation, let alone experience. I am so embarrassed that he would even think that is a good idea.

I found out because my boyfriend's friend told me. I think he was trying to figure out if I was game. It is so awkward now because it looks like my boyfriend and I don't have our stuff together. How can I fix this? -- Menage a None, Dallas

DEAR MENAGE A NONE: Guess what? You and your boyfriend do not have your stuff together! It's true. The good news is, you know that now. If you and your boyfriend have such divergent values on such an important topic, it is worth a moment of pause. Separate from his friend, talk to him. Ask him why he suggested this activity with his friend and what made him think you would go for it. Tell him that you were offended, hurt and caught off guard when his friend mentioned it to you.

Lay out the facts about your feelings on intimacy, exclusivity and friend bonds. Talk them through in order to decide whether the relationship is worth salvaging.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)